Eye Candy #373 - "The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus"

A movie most famous for being the one Heath Ledger was knee deep in before joining the Choir Invisible, I’m not entirely sold on the idea it would have been more coherent had he survived to complete it.  Dr. Parnassus (Christopher Plummer) is an ancient monk who made a deal with the devil for longevity, with the bargain being that Mr. Nick (Tom Waits) will take any daughter Parnassus has when she reaches her 16th birthday.   In the present day, he runs a traveling theater show with a magic mirror that leads people into the depths of their imagination (which is sometimes a good thing or a bad thing).   It also happens to be his daughter’s 16th birthday.  After a particularly disastrous show, the troupe runs across man trying to hang himself named Tony (played by Ledger) that soon inserts himself into their lives.  In order to save his daughter, Parnassus and Nick lay out another wager - the first to capture five souls wins.  Tony launches himself into the task, wooing unhappy women with a chance to live out their fantasies through the magic mirror.  Every time Tony steps through the mirror he is played by a different actor (specifically the three that stepped in to cover for Ledger’s demise - Johnny Depp, Colin Farrell, and Jude Law).  But Tony isn’t all he appears to be.  Very much in the same vein as director Terry Gilliam’s more phantasmagorical work, like “Time Bandits” and “The Adventures of Baron Munchausen”, I don’t see how anyone thought this was going to make money at the box office.  It is definitely way way out there, particularly for the casual viewer not familiar with Gilliam).  And it’s not altogether satisfying as a motion picture (the ending seems particularly nebulous).  The acting is fine, with Plummer, Waits, and Ledger the best (the three stand-ins seem forced at best).  CGI-heavy, with multiple dream sequences, some of which are interesting.  But visuals aside, it left me with an overall ho-hum feeling.  Woodchuck sez, “Meh.”

Eye Candy #372 - "Mimic"

Mimic:  Granted, I know this isn't the exact version that Guillermo del Toro originally envisioned, but I still can't help but like this movie. It's got mood to spare, convincing (and I think clever) monster effects, and my favorite part: a director who's not afraid to have children die on-screen. You see, it is very very infrequent that you will actually get to watch a child die in your full view. Muerto los ninos! Muerto los ninos! It just doesn't happen...unless you watch Guillermo. It's daring, it's unconventional, and for most, it makes people darned uncomfortable to watch children getting eaten on screen by giant mutant bugs. Good stuff.

Eye Candy #371 - "Deathproof"

Deathproof:  Not really a horror movie, not really a thriller, not really remarkable in any way. WAY too much dialogue in this film. Kurt Russell's Stuntman Mike, as portrayed, rates somewhere just slightly higher than Gargamel on the "Smurfs" on the villainy scale. Only saving grace - graphic, slo-mo ways of dying. If you want to see a violent car crash, replayed multiple times in slo-mo just so you can see how everyone gets it, this film is for you. For me, this film couldn't end fast enough.

Eye Candy #370 - "The Wire Season 2"

The Wire Season 2:  An interesting contrast to Season 1: whereas Season 1 was fairly self-contained, wrapping up most of the salient threads so they didn't need any further closure, Season 2 is all about starting more and more threads and revisiting all the plot threads you thought were done, spinning bigger and bigger and bigger, while resolving very little (though we do have at least one major player from Season 1 exit Life's stage in Season 2). The detail from the first Season have all received their "rewards" for jobs well done, including postings to the Harbor Detail, the Evidence room, and various assorted other places. But the remnants of Avon Barksdale's organization are re-grouping, and there are new problems to tackle, like corruption on the Baltimore waterfront, such as smuggling, hijacking, sex trafficking, and murder. We get a lot this season on the ins, outs, and troubles of Baltimore longshoremen, as well as the local Greek mob. A dead Russian girl ends up floating in the harbor, and McNulty and Co. are back in action. I've grudgingly given this a 4, because it was inferior to Season 1. But I do want to see Season 3, based on what happened in Season 2. So I guess its mission was accomplished.

Eye Candy #369 - "Captain Scarlet The Complete Series"

Captain Scarlet - The Complete Series:  I vaguely remember watching an episode, lo these many moons ago, as a child.  But figured it was available on DVD, it’s time to see what all the hubbub was about.  One of the Gerry & Sylvia Anderson creations involving marionettes, scale vehicles, explosions,  and such, “Captain Scarlet” is the story of Spectrum, a world protection organization where all the agents are color coded.  Scarlet is one of the leaders of the group, is nigh immortal, and sounds like Cary Grant.  We’ve also got Captain Blue, Captain Ochre, Colonel White, Captain Magenta, Lieutenant Green, and Professor Plum in the conservatory with a wrench.  In addition to those chaps, we also have the Angels,  4 women pilots named Rhapsody, Symphony, Harmony, and Melody (think if it like “Barbi’se My Own F-15 Strike Eagle”) that spend most of the series hanging out in their own private lounge.  From their base in the clouds called…”Cloud Base”, Spectrum fights against the alien Mysterons (who are never shown) and their various agents on earth, including the nefarious Captain Black, traitor to Spectrum.  The Mysterons want revenge on Earth for an unprovoked attack on their civilization on Mars, so every episode they fricking SHARE with Spectrum exactly where they are going to attack!   Yes, they are so dastardly that they telegraph every single move they make.  They typically kill someone at the beginning of the episode that is related to their plan, replace him with a duplicate to do their dirty work (and they typically only use one person…versus the entire Spectrum organization)…and, unsurprisingly, fail almost utterly on every occasion.  Fun in a kitschy way with good production values (though the soundtrack to the show is extremely repetitive), I enjoyed “Captain Scarlet” though I’m sure it’s not for all tastes.  But you can see where contemporary homages like “Team America World Police” get it from.  Woodchuck sez, “May be up your alley.”

Eye Candy #368 - "The Wire Season 1"

The Wire Season 1:  Solid, well-acted, well-written (most important) police procedural from HBO, that doesn't rely on the glitzy razzmatazz of the "CSI" shows or big-named star power. This series follows the investigation into a drug dealer by members of a Baltimore Police Department taskforce, all the players on both sides, the various and sundry crimes that make up day-to-day life in the Baltimore slums and the politics going on behind the scenes. We get the perspective of the cops, the low-level foot soldiers, the kingpins, and the civilians caught in between. Not simply a black and white story, with "good" police officers and "bad" criminals, this series does a lot to humanize both, showcasing their faults as well as their strengths. I also want to say that I appreciate HBO TV shows because the seasons tend to be short and sweet: I don't have to wade through 24 episodes to get the whole series (and see the sometimes egregious padding that takes place to make a higher episode count). It reminds me of the BBC - 12 shows then out. Me likey. Moving on to Season 2 of "The Wire".

Eye Candy #367 - "54"

54:  A view into the "world" that was the 70's era New York nightclub Club 54. However, as an exercise in making people care about something that so few people actually experienced firsthand, it comes across as an overproduced in-joke that lowered both my opinions of the club itself and the people who frequented it. Wow. The debauched debauching, how bland. What was extraordinary about Club 54? Nothing that didn't happen and continues to happen at any other club across the country to this day - drugs, sex, booze, music, dancing. Wash, rinse, repeat. The only reason I gave this two stars was because of Mike Myers cast and acting against type as Steve Rubell.

Eye Candy #366 - "The Genius Club"

The Genius Club:  Seriously disappointing film made even more so by its heavy-handed, Christian themes, communicated by characters in stilted, ridiculous dialogue that doesn’t sound much like real human speech on essentially one set.  A group of genius IQ-level individuals are brought together in Washington DC by the federal government, to play a game with a terrorist who has placed a nuclear bomb “11 blocks from the White House”.  The “geniuses” are required to debate various topics from faith to war to politics, all while being awarded by points by Armand the terrorist (played by an incredibly hammy Tom Sizemore), who also heckles them the entire time in a highly annoying fashion.  All they really do is reveal just how petty and idiotic they are.  Amongst the geniuses we have an economist, a professional baseball player, the owner of a casino, and a pizza delivery guy (played by born again Steven Baldwin), most of which are fleshed out in just the broadest strokes possible.  A thriller with no thrills, low production values, and a message that overwhelms everything else in the picture, this SHOULD have been labeled “Faith and Spirtuality” in the genre listings.  I would have avoided it.  Woodchuck sez, “Skip it.”

Eye Candy #365 - "In the Valley of Elah"

In the Valley of Elah:  An odd film in the fact that while it is well-made and well-acted, I haven't the faintest idea what the "message" of the movie is about. A retired military officer (Tommy Lee Jones, in a great performance) launches an investigation into the disappearance of his enlisted son, who has just returned from Iraq. Along the way, he teams up with a local police officer (Charlize Theron, trying to look unattractive), and learns more than he wanted to about his son and how the war changed him. But the film isn't "Oh, the war in Iraq sucks" or "the military sucks" or "our servicemen and women are under a lot of stress". It's none of those things. The closest I can come up with is "Just when you think you know a guy..." The problem being (what keeps it from being truly great) - you have no opportunity to like, know, or even care about the missing soldier before our illusions about him are all shattered. It's the same problem I have with director Paul Haggis' wildly overrated "Crash" - there is no journey. The people are who they are at the beginning of the film as they are at the end.

Eye Candy #364 - "Darkness"

Darkness:  A "dark scary house" movie in the vein of Amityville and the like, it has got mood and atmosphere to spare. There are even some genuinely creepy visuals, with evil beings creeping across the ceilings of darkened rooms and down hallways. But this film suffers from a crippling lack of exposition - you just don't know the what and why of what's going on. I mean, it's a horror movie so the explanation doesn't have to be great, but it does have to be complete. You can't just go "it's all because of an evil cult" and then let the audience alone. I mean, yes, the new Amityville film may have been a steaming pile, but at least it attempted to explain what happened and why.

Eye Candy #363 - "A Perfect World"

A Perfect World:  Eastwood's directing follow-up to "Unforgiven" and just as strong, and his best directing effort until 2003's "Mystic River" (which I feel is inferior to this picture). The tale of Butch Haynes (Kevin Costner, in one of his strongest performances), a murderer who escapes from prison and goes on the lam with a little boy he kidnaps. The boy, from a repressive Jehovah's witness family, finds a father figure in Butch and Butch finds someone he can treat like a son/impart wisdom. They flee across Texas circa 1963, evading police chief Red Garnett (Clint Eastwood). Well acted and well directed, this is about a low-key a thriller as you can find, and accomplishes what it does through simplicity rather than artifice. Costner didn't have a part as good as Haynes for 10 years (until 2003's "Open Range"). Woodchuck sez, "Me likey."

Eye Candy #362 - "Spaced - The Complete Series"

Spaced - The Complete Series:  Here is the series I’ve been waiting for: the sitcom for those of us who couldn’t actually relate to “Friends”, for those of us who were weird, had weird friends, strange landladies, and led just generally odd lives whether we intended to or not.  Tim (Simon Pegg from “Shaun of the Dead“ and “Hot Fuzz“), an aspiring comic book artist, and Daisy (Jessica Hynes), an aspiring writer, find themselves as flat mates out of necessity, pretending to be a married couple to get a cheap apartment.  And into the orbits of their lives are their strange neighbors and friends, including artist Brian and paramilitary nut Mike (“Shaun of the Dead’s” Nick Frost) , pop culture references galore covering everything from the A-Team to “The Sixth Sense“ to Star Wars and comic books, this is the show about my life…without all the awkward sexual tension between a female flat mate and myself as I live alone.  Unless one can have awkward sexual tension with oneself.  This show was extremely funny, and definitely worth a look.  It’s a shame this took so long to be released in the US.  Woodchuck sez, “Check it out.”

Eye Candy #361 - "The Haunted World of El Superbeasto"

The Haunted World of El Superbeasto:  Decidedly NOT for children, this animated musical is from the mind of Rob Zombie.  Equal parts Ren & Stimpy, Hanna-Barbera cartoons from the 1960’s & 70’s, Foster’s Home for Imaginary Pets, and porn, the plot combines Mexican wrestlers, sex, one-eyed super-spies, sex, boobs, zombie Nazis bikers, Hitler’s head in a jar, werewolves, a talking gorilla, and sex, as dim-bulb ex-wrestler Superbeasto and his sidekick Suzi-X fight Dr. Satan (Paul Giamatti), to save stripper Velvet Von Black (Rosario Dawson) in Monsterland.  I guess you could call this “the lighter side of Rob Zombie”.  In production for years, it’s wildly crude, and for a comedy, not really that funny.  If cartoon boobs are your thing…then this is all about your thing.    Fine for what it is, but not remarkable.  When Zombie described it as “if Spongebob and Scooby-doo were filthy”, he was right on the money.  Best line - “Love is a battlefield.  Ah, the wisdom of Benatar.” Woodchuck sez, “Eh.”

Eye Candy #360 - "The Crazies" (1973)

The Crazies (1973):  Low-budget actioner about a chemical weapon that leeches into the water supply of a small Pennsylvania town, driving those exposed to it murderously insane.  The military comes in to close off the town and find a cure, while various townspeople try and survive.  More and more townspeople go insane, as the military lose control of the situation, hampered by their lack of technology and own bureaucracy. Directed by George Romero, this is one of his earlier post-”Night of the Living Dead” films from the  beginning of the 1970’s.  Not a horror movie, as much of his oeuvre is, this is more akin to “Outbreak” or even “Planet Terror”.  With a  budget of $250,000, you don’t get a lot in the way of special effects, but the film competently does what it does with creative editing and music even if it feels a bit like a made-for-TV movie.  Very kitsch in that “I can’t believe we wore that in the 70’s” way, while it feels dated, it’s not a bad flick.  The iconic  image of military personnel in white haz mat suits and gas masks is still spooky and effective.  A remake is due in 2010.  Woodchuck sez, “Worth a look.”

Eye Candy #359 - "Burden of Dreams"

Burden of Dreams:  Having had this documentary built up in my mind for years about how great and wild and insane its subject (Werner Herzog and the making of his film "Fitzcarraldo") were, there is possibly no way it could have lived up to my expectation. Frankly I was expecting more. I mean, there is Herzog, in the middle of the Amazon, with broken equipment, a sinking boat, mud up to his armpits, restless natives, death threats, amoebic dysentery, Klaus Kinski...and when all this happen, you don't even see this guy get just A LITTLE perturbed. He's positively stone-faced. I mean, people are threatening to kill him because of his film...and he's got a look of benign resignation almost the entire time. No meltdown, no anger, no frustration, no blows between he and Kinski, no heart of darkness. He's just the harmless German uncle on the river that lousy things happen to.

Eye Candy #358 - "Sling Blade"

Sling Blade:  Billy Bob Thornton's performance in this movie quite simply blew me out of the water. I had seen Thornton before in bit parts in "Tombstone" and "One False Move", playing sort of loutish, ignorant Southern goons, but his complete transformation into the simpleton man-child Karl Childers was so complete, so convincing, that he has not had a better part before or since. But it's not just Thornton that makes this film - he's surrounded by an exceedingly competent cast including John Ritter (playing way against type), Lucas Black, JT Walsh (in a small over-the-top creepy bit), and Dwight Yoakum in a performance as bravura as Thornton's as an abusive stepfather who dislikes midgets and antique furniture (yes, you read that right). It's the story of a mentally-retarded man released from the mental hospital he has been incarcerated in since he was a child and his successes and ultimately failures at blending back into society. I do believe that Thornton was robbed of this Oscar this year (it went to Geoffrey Rush, and I thought Thornton's performance and this film in general was much stronger than "Shine")

Eye Candy #357 - "XXX State of the Union"

XXX State of the Union:  My boss and I had a bet on a business trip that each of us would try and find the worst DVD movie we could at a used DVD store. I picked this: "XXX State of the Union". He picked "Soul Plane". "Soul Plane", sadly, was better. Here is a movie that makes the first outlandish "XXX" movie look like a good idea. Ice Cube, as Darius Stone, is recruited by Samuel L. Jackson to save the life of the President from a military coup. Insert lame action set pieces, including a ridiculous convoy scene through the streets of D.C., shake vigorously, serve over ice, and you've got one heckuva lame movie. Lee Tamahori directed this waste of time, and he somehow continues to get work while being utterly unspectacular or consistent. It's hard to like a film that treats its audience like they all ride the short bus. Woodchuck sez, "Utter poo."

Eye Candy #356 - "Saw IV"

Saw IV:  And installment 4 of the hardly venerable "Saw" series arrives with a palpable thud as ideas already trotted out in "Saws 1-3" are rehashed here again. You remember that girl who was Jigsaw's "apprentice"? Oh wait, now he's got a NEWER one. Granted, it's a better "Saw" movie than "Saw 2", but it's a lesser film compared to "Saw" and "Saw 3". The death traps are here again, but since they're all rigged by Jigsaw's new apprentice, they lack his flair for engineering, so they're required to be more human-based traps. Donnie Wahlberg is back, as is Costas Mandylor (playing a part that is largely undefined through either "Saw 3" or "4"). And we have flashbacks galore, which means either the film (intentionally or unintentionally) is incapable of standing on its own. Only good thing - we finally get more of Jigsaw's back story and what originally put him on the path he followed. Woodchuck sez, "Almost the worst of the bunch."

Eye Candy #355 - "East Side Story"

East Side Story:  It's odd that a documentary about singing and dancing can be so lethargic and static. A look at musicals that came out of the Soviet Union and East Germany in the 20th century, and the comparisons and contrasts between those musicals and those in the West. It's interesting to fans of the genre and as a glimpse into life behind the Iron Curtain, and while some of the films look like fun, some of them are obviously overblown, overproduced propaganda. And the narration is about the most unenergetic, disinterested drone that's been captured on film in a while. The Leonard Maltin Movie Guide gave this film high marks. I don't. Woodchuck sez, "I was expecting more."

Eye Candy #354 - "Saw III"

Saw III:  Unlike "Saw 2", which began its life as the script for a non-"Saw" related film and followed the "a group of people in spooky house" formula that's been done SOOOO many times before (and better), "Saw 3" sees Leigh Whannell and James Wan, who gave us the first "Saw", return to the property and they've written a much more appropriate script for keeping the storyline alive. Jigsaw is back, as well as his apprentice introduced in "Saw 2" (an idea that I've always thought silly, mostly because I thought the actress wasn't appropriate for it). This time he's trapped a doctor and a vengeful father in his house of horrors and the elaborate Rube-Goldberg-from-hell deathtraps are even more grotesque this time around (imagine a device that twists all your limbs, including your head, almost off your body one at a time), and ol' Jigs is on death's door. The point is less clear here in terms of what Jigsaw wants to accomplish, but at least it's done with flair and the movie, more importantly, feels like it belongs in the series, as the challenges the people face involve hurting other people to free themselves (whereas "Saw 2" had people crawling through syringe-filled pits to save themselves). If I could have given this film 2.5 stars, I would have. Woodchuck sez, "Better than 2, less than 1".

Eye Candy #353 - "Men with Brooms"

Men with Brooms:  A slight, very slight comedy about the sport of curling (from the Canadian perspective), those obsessed with it, and the lives they lead. I rented this because I'm a fan of Paul Gross and just about anything he touches, even the really crappy stuff. He plays the "skipper" of a curling team that helps get the gang back together to win the Golden Broom for his recently deceased coach. Leslie Nielsen and Molly Parker co-star as Gross' father and love interest respectively. Some random laughs here and there, and actually a very good soundtrack composed exclusively of Canadian musicians (like Our Lady Peace, Matthew Good Band, etc.). It was okay, but didn't stick with me for long. Woodchuck sez, "Maybe up your alley. Maybe not."

Eye Candy #352 - "Persepolis"

Persepolis:  A refreshing change of pace in the current trend of animation, the bulk of which is crowded out with computer-generated or anime-derivative mediocrity. Based on the graphic novels of the same name, "Persepolis" is the story of Marjane Satrapi, a young Persian girl growing up before, in, around, and after the Islamic Revolution in Iran (specifically Tehran) during the late 1970's/early 1980's. She and her family are fairly political but not religious, and it's not long before the promises of a new start and justice for the abuses of the Shah turn to oppression and overbearing religious zealotry. Dealing with much weightier themes than surfing penguins and cooking rats, this is the film that should have won the Academy Award for Best Animated Feature. Woodchuck sez, "Me likey".

Eye Candy #351 - "The Wild Bunch"

The Wild Bunch:  "It's his word." "That ain't what counts! It's who you give it to!" In my opinion, the best Western committed to film, a bloody, violent tale about the realities of the changing West (particularly the romanticized myth of it, with its gunslingers, whiskey-soaked towns, jezebels, and money) and how it jarred violently with a rapidly changing world, and the people caught in between because the world didn't wait for them to catch up. The Wild Bunch, with the first line, "If they move, kill 'em", is a gang or murderers and thieves that starts shooting two minutes into the credits and don't stop until their final bloody end. They're on the run from the railroad-hired gunmen, from the Mexican army, and from Time itself. This is Sam Peckinpah's masterpiece, and it echoes all his recurring themes of honor, friendship, brotherhood, and the relativity of right and wrong, good and evil, more effectively than any other film he directed before or after. The special edition lengthens the cut of the film by about ten minutes, and none of it's wasted. John Wayne complained that "The Wild Bunch" destroyed the myth of the Old West. That's damn right. Woodchuck sez, "Me lovey".

Eye Candy #350 - "The Amazing Screw-On Head"

The Amazing Screw-On Head:  Fans of Mike Mignola and both his live-action and animated "Hellboy" work will love this short adaptation (a pilot episode made for the Sci-Fi Channel) of a one-shot comic produced in 2002. The Amazing Screw-On Head is a talking metal head in the service of Abraham Lincoln, and is called into the action by the President to fight Emporer Zombie. So Head screws himself into a robot body and away we go, with vampires, werewolves, zombies, and elder gods galore, with the help of his manservant Mr. Groin and his dog Mr. Dog. The animated look is much closer to Mignola's original style than the "Hellboy" cartoons (which goes to show how impractical talking is for some of his characters). The voice talent is high B-list - Paul Giamatti is Head and David Hyde Pierce is Emporer Zombie, with Molly Shannon and Patton Oswalt in supporting roles. This is just silliness, but it's fun silliness and a faithful adaptation of its source material.

Eye Candy #349 - "Audition"

Audition:  One of the most intensely disturbing films I've ever watched. I own it on DVD and can't bring myself to watch it again, it bothered me that much. The story of a older Japanese man looking for a new wife. He sets up a fake audition to meet prospective women, and meets Asami, a shy, retiring thing that is a LOT more than she seems. Disturbing in the way the film "Se7en" was: the evil and horror of 'regular' people who have the propensity for extreme acts of cruelty on other people because their own moral compass is so twisted or absent. This is easily the strongest of the recent Japanese New Wave Horror that I've seen. Beats the pants off "Ringu". I hope that Hollywood doesn't try to remake it.

Eye Candy #348 - "Hearts in Atlantis"

Hearts in Atlantis:  The problem with translating this book into a movie is very plain to those who have read said book - it's tied clearly to his Dark Tower mythos and complements the other books from the Gunslinger series. It's not integral, but it does some 'splaining. However, rather than opening that can of worms (wisely, I would say, because you couldn't begin to cover it all in one film), it's completely stripped from the script, removing that magical element of the book (beings from another dimension in pursuit of Anthony Hopkins' character) to something much more pedestrian (at least, more pedestrian for Stephen King, who usually isn't associated with the word 'pedestrian'). So what was a dimension-crossing "thriller" of sorts (though it's more of a 'coming of age' story than anything, with a hearty helping of "books are good!" thrown in)ends up being a neutered something...else. Read the book instead. It's excellent.

Eye Candy #347 - "Home Movie"

Home Movie:  While inferior to Chris Smith's previous (and utterly brilliant) documentary "American Movie", "Home Movie" has its own charms, is competently done, and does what it sets out to do and does it well. The title says it all - it's a documentary about a handful of "exotic" homes from around the country, from a waterfall-powered treehouse in Hawaii to a converted missile silo in Kansas. It's as much about the owners of the various structures (some of whom redefine the word 'eccentric' and 'kooky') as the structures themselves. Smith never passes judgment on his subjects, and I don't know if it's intentional or not, but several of the subjects are pitiable (to hear the rambling cajun guy talk about how he got third and fourth degree burns because of the stupidity of another watercraft or the old man who describes the dog he had stuffed when it died as his "son", you can't help but feel sorry for these folks; envied for their homes, pitied for their lives). Don't get me wrong - living in an abandoned missile silo would probably rock. Suffice it to say, there is definitely a whole lotta different drumming going on here.

Eye Candy #346 - "Rush Hour 3"

Rush Hour 3:  There is almost no way this couldn't be a disappointment compared to the first two, given the large gap between parts 2 and 3 and the overall nature of sequels in general. Still, I did find Rush Hour 3 enjoyable for what it was. Mostly, I realized how much I missed Chris Tucker (sure, I know he plays roughly the same guy in all his films, but I'm not watching him to see his depth of range and he hasn't put out a film since 2001). The plot is mostly an excuse to film on location in Paris, and seems more akin to the silliness of Shanghai Knights and Noon rather than Rush Hour 1 and 2. Very few physical stunts and a little fighting here and there, it doesn't feel like a Rush Hour film (or a Jackie Chan film for that matter). It feels like some other script shoe-horned into a Rush Hour film. The dialogue is fun, with Jackie given some uncharacteristic swearing and some good one-liners. Tucker is in fine form, given what he's got to work with. The length of the film was a concern: I am learning to fear action comedies that clock in or around 90 minutes (considering the final fight began 10 minutes prior to the end of the film). Less time equals less plot and less plot ain't good.

Eye Candy #345 - "Slither"

Slither:  A throwback to 50's sci-fi movies of the "Blob" variety, with a heavy dose of 21st century special effects thrown in, "Slither" is, plain and simple, a lot of fun. The script does not for a minute takes itself seriously, the cast (especially Nathan Fillion and Gregg Henry) are game, and it's never dull. And there are some out-and-out funny lines in this film (mostly from the aforementioned Henry and Fillion), as a small-town sheriff, his old flame, and the rest of the town come to grips with an alien invasion of little worm-like creatures that take people over a la the body snatchers. Not for kids, but should be fun for adults. Woodchuck sez, "Me likey."

Eye Candy #344 - "Tunnel Rats"

Tunnel Rats:  One needs to set their expectations exceedingly low for Uwe Boll.  His entire oeuvre is pretty much garbage.  Based on the first person shooter video game of the same name, this extremely superficial take on American soldiers in the Vietnam War is laughably bad, but I’m a sucker for Michael Pare even though his career has resembled Boll’s since just after “Eddie and the Cruisers”.  The action follows a group of American tunnel rats exploring a large tunnel complex populated by all manners of booby traps and Viet Cong near their base in the jungles of Vietnam (their base is literally within short walking distance of the VC complex, which seems like the world‘s worst place to set up a firebase).  The American soldiers are stereotypes,  portrayed as largely incompetent and poorly trained (for some reason, they can’t seem to actually shoot from behind cover EVER in the course of the film), while the Viet Cong are portrayed as tortured underdogs with strong family ties.  The obligatory message about the wrong-headedness of war is completely lost in the trite script.  This film is just a poor excuse to waste some squibs.  Woodchuck sez, “Total crap.”

Eye Candy #343 - "Eye of the Needle"

Eye of the Needle:  Based on the 1978 best seller by Ken Follett,  “Eye of the Needle” hasn’t aged gracefully.  Donald Sutherland is German spy the Needle, who is undercover in Britain during the run-up to Operation Overlord and finds evidence of the true landing location of the D-Day invasion.  Pursued by British forces, he finds himself on the barely inhabited Storm Island off the coast of Scotland, waiting to abscond on a u-boat with his microfilm..  While there, he seduces a lonely housewife (Kate Nelligan), while arranging his escape until she realizes who he is and what he‘s done.  Although billed as a WW2 spy caper, it devolves into your standard psycho killer picture fairly easily.  It also has some weird anachronisms (like use of a fairly advanced helicopter towards the end of the picture when no such vehicle existed).  While Sutherland is perfectly fine in sinister spy mode, he is almost the least believable romantic lead I’ve ever seen.  This film bored the heck out of me.  Couldn’t end soon enough.  Woodchuck sez, “Skip it.”

Eye Candy #342 - "Full Contact"

Full Contact:  When it comes to Chow Yun Fat, mine is love that dares not speak its name.  I can’t help it.  Anyone out there who has seen “Hard Boiled” and “The Killer” knows why.  So in pursuit of my unrequited man crush, I have watched more Chow Yun Fat movies than the average person, from the good to the bad.  “Full Contact” falls right in the middle of the pack. Jeff (Fat) joins a robbery to help a friend pay off his debts, but double crosses abound.  Wounded in the melee, Jeff disappears to heal himself so he can get himself a heaping helping of that dish which is best served cold. Lots of what you’d expect from any Asian shoot-em-up from the time period, with exotic gunfights and characters painted in the broadest swaths.  And while the plot is fairly standard, it’s the time capsule-like quality I particularly enjoy - made in 1992, apparently early 90’s Hong Kong resembled the mid-to-late 1980’s United States, down to the hard rock score, incessant repetitive electronic dance music, and bad hair.  Directed by Ringo Lam, this doesn’t have the staying power or quality of “Hard Boiled” (that came out the same year) and comes at the end of Fat‘s hey-day (which was 1986-1992, with none of his subsequent films reaching quite the same level as those from that period), but it’s not terrible like say, “Bulletproof Monk”.  Woodchuck sez, “Chow fans will enjoy it.”

Eye Candy #341 - "The Secret Glory"

The Secret Glory:  An extremely esoteric documentary by director Richard Stanley (who gave us 1990’s sci-fi film “Hardware”) about Otto Rahn, a Nazi SS officer obsessed with Catharism and locating the Holy Grail in southwestern France.  He was also, for a brief period of time, in Himmler’s inner circle as well as a functionary at Buchenwald concentration camp.  It is speculated that Rahn was prototypical for various Nazis searching for religious treasures as portrayed in pop culture, such as “Raiders of the Lost Ark”.  And while this film may be of interest for those who care more than the average about Grail lore and the various parties involved in its search in recent history, the appeal of this documentary is limited in appeal to the general public.  I have an interest in this subject and it took me over 2 weeks to watch it (not a good sign).  Rahn himself is not terribly compelling, and the film spends more time on him as a person (he was relatively weak-willed, and eventually committed suicide after being outed as a homosexual half-Jew by other members of the SS; you would think having been involved with the SS for some 4 years prior, he would have picked up on their various sentiments earlier on) than his accomplishments.  It isn’t explored what he found in France, just that he was searching (on the payroll of the SS) or the goals of the SS in having such treasures at their disposal.  Also, if you don’t speak French and German, you’re going to have to read the subtitles all the time.  Woodchuck sez, “Misses its target.”

Eye Candy #340 - "The Brown Bunny"

The Brown Bunny: I’m one of those rare people that actually like this particular exercise in gratuitous filmmaking. And make no mistake, everything about this is gratuitous – long dialogue-free sections, large swaths of motorcycle racing and van driving, with Vincent Gallo as Bud, a motorcycle road racer traveling cross country between races and the various liaisons he has with women he encounters along the way. Controversial for the graphic sex scene between Gallo and actress Chloe Sevigny, sure, and we can debate if it was indeed prosthetic or not, but I don’t believe that’s the point and that’s not why I care for the film. Its simplicity appeals to me, the mystery of it appeals to me. And this from someone who has an extremely low “self-aggrandizing auteur” threshold - Gallo has miraculously managed to make me wonder why Bud does what he is doing, which is awfully hard to do these days. Is it a great film? Absolutely not. Is it complete trash? No, it’s not that either. But it is definitely not for all tastes. Woodchuck sez, “This MIGHT be worth your while.”

Eye Candy #339 - "Fast and Furious"

Fast and Furious:  It’s sad when someone can call this particular series of films “venerable” as the original spawned not 1, but 3 mediocre sequels that appeal mostly to that young male set who like cars doing exotic and darn-near-impossible feats with the help of Hollywood wizardry.  Back again for the first time in a role that helped make him a star, Vin Diesel, has returned as Dom Toretto, professional street racer and minor thief.  Oh, and Paul Walker is here again too, since lord knows his career hasn’t really skyrocketed either.  This time Toretto is out for revenge, to find the killers of one of his crew, Letty  (played all too briefly again by Michelle Rodriguez).  Insert souped-up automobiles here, as we get a ludicrous plot involving drug runners who use street racers to take drugs across the border and of course, they only want the fastest and the best.  Now, I haven’t even seen all 4 of these movies, but it’s certainly worse than 1 or 3.  The action set pieces are just silly, including some of the silliest mine runs this side of “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom”.  Good news is I had exceedingly low expectations to begin with (there is only so much mileage you can get out of a plot that shallow, pun intended).  Woodchuck sez, “Skip it.”

Eye Candy #338 - "The Last Winter"

The Last Winter:  An odd mélange of horror and environmental awareness films about an oil crew working to open up a long-abandoned oil well that was shut down years before for reasons that are never fully elaborated upon. In their midst is an environmental assessor (James LeGros) who is making sure that all is on the up and up and he butts heads with the crew chief (Ron Perlman). However, things start to go very, very wrong, people start to die, and yes Virginia, there is something inhuman coming out of the abandoned well (**SPOILERS** that resembles ghostly reindeer monsters). I was hoping for a lot more since this had Perlman in it and he’s usually great in just about everything he touches. The film did well with the cabin fever element, but once the supernatural stuff starts to take place (particularly since there are no explanations given as to what is exactly going on other than some nebulous hooey; hey filmmakers! You can’t have the message of the film be spouted by the craziest person in the film, because then we just think it’s more of him being crazy). Disappointed to say the least. Woodchuck sez, “Skip it.”

Eye Candy #337 - "The January Man"

The January Man:  A very dated film from the late 80's that hasn't aged well, from it's alto sax/synthesizer score to the teased-up big hair. It's definitely a curio of the times. It also attempts to meld two great tastes into one Reesy cup, with romantic comedy and serial killer thriller being the two genres chosen (you may note that those two genres seldom if ever go together well). The story of Nick Starkey (Kevin Kline), a former NYC cop brought back to the force to track down a serial killer preying on woman in the city, after he left the force under a cloud of corruption. To say that Starkey is unconventional would be an understatement, and in the course of his investigation, ends up bedding down the mayor's daughter while sparring with an ex-lover. Written by playwright John Patrick Shanley, it often feels like watching a filmed play (granted, Shanley's screenplay work tends to either be lackluster or good...and this is lackluster). The film can't decide which kind of film it would rather be, and thusly, fails at being either. Alan Rickman has a small role as Starkey's artist-neighbor-aide Ed. Woodchuck sez, "Skip it."

Eye Candy #336 - "The Impostors"

The Impostors:  The problem with farce movies is that are either really, really good or really, really mediocre/bad. I think part of this stems from having seen so many well done farces, pratfalls, etc. in the Marx Brothers movies, Buster Keaton, the 3 Stooges that contemporary takes will be unfairly compared to the "classics" in terms of quality. But it also stems from the fact that there is a conceit upon which the farce is founded - at least someone in it tends to be in on the the joke. Look at the Marx Bros. for several perfect examples of this. Farces that are played straight tend to fall flat, and frankly that's what happens in "The Impostors". Tucci and Platt are two out-of-work starving actors who run afoul of a "diva" actor (played by Alfred Molina) and stow away accidentally on a boat to evade him, but then find themselves in several plots involving other people on the boat. For a comedy, the laughs are few and far between for one that is loaded with some incredibly funny people (Billy Connolly is about the only one that does well, as the sexually ambigious tennis pro). The script seems to limit the actors, rather than launch them into the hijinks. It's similar in tone to "Noises Off", another farce that was oddly lethargic on screen (as opposed to frenetic onstage). Woodchuck sez "No great shakes."

Eye Candy #335 - "Aqua Teen Hunger Force: Movie for Theaters"

Aqua Teen Hunger Force: Movie for Theaters:  I'm a big fan of ATHF, and even I have no idea why the producers of this film thought it would be a good idea to create a full length animated film to be released to theaters based on the property. The plot is absolutely nonsensical, with absolutely NO exposition for those that have no idea what ATHF is, is it any real wonder that people stayed away from this film like dog doo on the sidewalk? If you are already on the outside, looking in on ATHF, you're going to be even more so by the end of the film. Sorry. Hey, Cartoon Network! "Direct to DVD", ever heard of it? It would have been cheaper, and you would still have sold however many copies you've sold regardless. We get another chapter in the continuing adventures of inaction heroes Master Shake, Frylock, Meatwad, and their neighbor/landlord Carl, as well as appearances from many of the "villains" from season's past as we learn the history of Frylock and a giant exercise machine goes crazy and threatens all civilization. Yes. I just said "giant exercise machine". No, no, it doesn't get any more coherent than that. If that doesn't grab you, then no, the movie is most definitely Not-For-You. However, I rented it, bought it, and still enjoy watching it because it does fit fairly well into the whole ATHF 'mythos' (and I use that word extremely loosely). Woodchuck sez, "For fans only. All others will think ATHF fans need our heads checked. And perhaps they're right."

Eye Candy #334 - "Stuntmen"

Stuntmen:  The first 2-3 minutes of this film is very promising, but once you get past that, you realize just how thin this script really is.  Two nigh-idiotic stuntmen, Eligh Supreme and Tank Macho, are both up Stuntmen of the Year.  This mockumentary delves into both stuntmen, their friends and family, and the film crew making the mockumentary.  Absolutely everyone featured in this film is an oddball like Eligh’s over-libidinous grandfather.  With several turns from familiar faces like Brandon Routh and Zachary Levi, and lots of off-the-cuff dialogue, this is one giant let-down.  I thought Alanna Ubach as producer Tovah Freiberg acquitted herself the best (she has a very exchange where she tries to get her mute, blind elderly husband to stop from touching himself).  Unfortunately she’s not in it enough to carry the whole film and it doesn‘t take long before this self-referential, Hollywood in-joke wears thin.  People making a film that pokes fun at people who make films may only be amusing to people who make films.   It’s 90 minutes feel interminable and it could have very easily been a 30 minute short. Woodchuck sez, “Almost completely disappointing.”

Eye Candy #333 - "The Fifth Commandment"

The Fifth Commandment:  C-list actor Rick Yune (best known as Zao from “Die Another Day”) cranks the dial on the Way-Way-Back Machine to the mid-1990’s for his first screenwriting effort, the story of an Asian assassin fighting other nefarious Asian stereotypes in a film that looks like it was swiped from other films over 10 years old.  Chance Templeton (that names just SCREAMS 1994) is an orphaned youngster raised as an assassin by “Coolbreeze” (Keith David, proving again that he has yet to find the script that is not worth his time).  When he decides to square off against some other assassins to prevent them from killing a pop star in Thailand, he joins his former adoptive “brother” (Bokeem Woodbine) who was also raised by Coolbreeze.  As this film was produced by Rick Yune, written by Rick Yune, and featured Rick Yune, it has one major drawback…Rick Yune.  He has the acting depth of a large stone and sounds like he‘s trying his best Dirty Harry impression.  His script is tired cliché after tired cliché that we’ve all seen Chow Yun Fat do better.  The only thing he has going for him is that he happens to be an Asian guy that is 6 feet tall.  Woodchuck sez, “Pretty crappy.”

Eye Candy #332 - "The Burrowers"

The Burrowers: In this horror/western set in the Dakota territory in the 1840’s, the Stewart family is kidnapped from their homestead, and Irish immigrant Fergus Coffey helps start a posse to track down his fiance (who is also one of the Stewarts).  Along with several other locals and a fairly inept Army colonel, they assume that the Stewarts were taken by Indians, and soon find themselves in over their head, fighting an enemy that isn’t Indian or even human.   Avast, matey, there be SPOILERS AHEAD!  The family was kidnapped by the Burrowers, a race of creatures that live and move underground, like giant cicada people, disappear for generations at a time, returning to feed periodically on men, animals, and whatever else gets in their way.  They poison you, bury you in the ground until your innards get nice and soft, and then drink you down while you’re alive.  Not really a chase picture, as the cowboys don’t really know what they are up against until it’s too late, so it’s more of a meandering picture, like riding drunk across the prairie.  A few name actors here - Clancy Brown (looking very old), William Mapother, and Doug Hutchinson, who is apparently going to take every weird, affected role thrown his way.   Not a really great story, and some of the characters are painted in big goofy swaths, but for all its faults and miniscule budget, it was an entertaining film.  Woodchuck sez, “Me likey.”

Eye Candy #331 - "TILT - The Battle to Save Pinball"

TILT - The Battle To Save Pinball:  The least energetic documentary I have probably ever seen. Focusing on the history of the pinball machine up to its revival during the 1970’s through the 1990’s, it pays particular attention to Williams Gaming, one of a handful of pinball machine companies, and some of the innovative games they created in the last 20 years. This film has several problems: 1.) it’s almost clinical in its approach to its subject. For a game that a segment of the country still feels very strongly about, it has an extreme lack of vitality; 2.) while it tries to be the “Who Killed The Electric Car?” for the pinball set, it comes across more as the riveting story of “Company Changes Business Model to Things That Actually Sell” (specifically video slot machines), which just isn’t that sexy of a quandary quite frankly. Sure, Williams was attempting to create content that would keep them relevant in the Video Game Age, but they just capitulated to video games to do it. What’s the message there? This is everything “The King of Kong” wasn’t. Where are the fans and why don’t they get more focus? People have a hard time relating to the plights of companies versus the plights of people. Woodchuck sez, “The King of Dull.”

Eye Candy #330 - "The Devil's Tomb"

The Devil’s Tomb: For the life of me, I can’t figure out how so many good actors ended up in this hooey. A US special forces team is dispatched to a remote desert lab that has lost contact with the outside world, on a snatch-and-grab run. Turns out the scientists at the lab unburied something that shouldn’t have been unburied (I can hear you groaning with familiarity at that old chestnut) and once underground, the special forces team finds itself fighting zombie-ish creatures, each other, and a being who may either be the Devil or a little gray man. For a cast, we get Cuba Gooding Jr. (acting with the same wooden quality he seems to display in all his direct-to-DVD offerings), Ron Perlman (who must have had about a day’s worth of shooting), Ray Winstone (Ray! What the hell are you doing here?!), one of the London twins (Jason, who gave us the relatively good “Out Cold”) and Stephanie Jacobsen, acting on a set that looks like the steam tunnels of a generic warehouse in east Los Angeles, with $1.15 for their special effects budget. Quite frankly, it’s a better cast than this script deserves. Directed by Jason “All I’ve Got Going for Me Is My Famous Dad” Connery, this movie is worthless. Now is apparently the time to be a Hollywood screenwriter, as there is a large quantity of horrible, derivate, and boring crapola making its way to your rental counter. Woodchuck sez, “Avoid completely. In fact, if Cuba’s output doesn’t improve any time soon, I’d recommend avoiding all his direct-to-DVD titles henceforth.”

Eye Candy #329 - "G Force"

G-Force: Not to be confused with the Japanese cartoon of the same name, this film is aimed squarely at a demographic younger than myself (which granted, it was completely up front about). A mixture of CGI and live action, It’s the story of a team of super-rodents running secret missions so that they can become full agents at the FBI, and taking on the dastardly Mr. Saber (Bill Nighy). There are 3 guinea pigs (and then a 4th), a mole, a hamster, mice, a fly, lots of roaches, Zach Galifianakis (in a role 180 degrees removed from what he did in “The Hangover”), and a load of incompetent FBI agents. Hijinks predictably ensue. In addition to Zach and Nighy, we get the voice talents of Sam Rockwell, Penelope Cruz, Nicholas Cage, and the tiresome Tracy Morgan displaying yet again what little acting depth he actually has. Sure the animation was fine, but the film just seemed to be missing some oomph. Maybe I just ask too much of my children’s movies (in all fairness, they can’t all be “Up”). And I have a feeling that guinea pig sales are going to go up for all the wrong reasons (“Mom, why does my guinea pig just poop and eat grass? He won’t use his retractable climbing hook at all!”). Woodchuck sez, “Fine for the kiddies. Adults will probably be underwhelmed.”

Eye Candy #328 - "Screamers 2 - The Hunting"

Screamers 2 - The Hunting:  A long-delayed sequel to the 1995 original based on the Philip K. Dick story “Second Variety”, about a desolate mining world overrun by self-replicating “automated swords” called screamers.  They are built to attack on human beings unless they think you are already dead.  And that won’t necessarily stop them from harvesting your body anyways.  The screamers come in different models, ranging from primitive to those that look and act human, even display feelings.  The original was a sleeper with a very cynical ending.    This time around, human survivors on planet Sirius 6B (the setting of the first film) send a distress signal and a small military unit is assembled to evacuate survivors before a meteor storm renders the planet inert.  However, the screamers have continued to evolve since the first film  and it’s not altogether clear who is and is not a killer robot.  The first film felt like a low-budget “Aliens” rip-off (and I still liked and own the first one), and this one feels even cheaper version of that with the bulk of the same plot.  The story is fairly pedestrian (it’s a “chase” picture, your standard running-from-monsters variety, and the characters, for landing on a planet they know to be overrun by killer robots, act REALLY, REALLY dumb.  I wouldn’t want them rescuing me, I’d most assuredly die due to their efforts.   Add to that an ending that is equally silly,  and well, it’s just what I thought when I decided to rent it. Woodchuck sez, “Just as expected it to be.  Not much.”

Eye Candy #327 - "Man of the Year"

Man of the Year:  It should come as no surprise that director Barry Levinson, who steered Robin Williams through the schtick-heavy “Good Morning Vietnam” (which couldn’t decide if it wanted to absurd or serious), duplicates that same ride here, updating it to contemporary politics.  Williams is Tom Dobbs, a Bill Maher-like comedian/commentator that through a fluke in a Diebold-like voting machine wins the presidency against all odds, and brings a level of candor to the Oval Office not seen, well, ever.  And at the same time, we have an employee of the Diebold-like company (played by Laura Linney) trying to expose the truth at great risk to herself, while she falls for Dobbs.  It’s not every day you see a comedy try and be “Patch Lincoln”, yet have a sinister undertone that leaves a bad taste in the mouth.  You want to laugh…y’know, up until the point people get attacked and have cocaine injected into them to discredit them.  It was okay as a one-time view, but doesn’t hold up to serious scrutiny (nor does it do serious terribly well anyway).  Robin Williams can play these sorts of rolls in his sleep.  If I want Williams’ stand-up, I can rent it.  I enjoy it when he plays against type more.  Woodchuck sez, “Underwhelming.”

Eye Candy #326 - "The Grey Knight"

Grey Knight:  An interesting idea brought down by a low, low budget, and some really atrocious acting.  During the Civil War, a young Union captain (Adrian Pasdar, long before his “Heroes” ship came in) is assigned to track down a group of rogue soldiers, composed of Confederate and Union alike, who are committing atrocities all over the countryside, including crucifying other soldiers.  Seems that something supernatural is in the works, and the rogue soldiers may no longer be on this mortal coil and now have something to do with bad juju from Africa that migrated over with the slaves.  To that end, the captain recruits his old mentor Nehemiah (Corbin Bernsen), now a Confederate commander/racist, to go track down the rogues, some of whom served under Nehemiah whilst they were a-living.  Supporting cast includes Martin Sheen, Billy Bob Thornton, at least two Arquettes (David and his younger brother-sister Alexis), good ol’ Ray Wise, and, if you believe the credits, “Friends’” Matt LeBlanc (proving once again, there is no script that Leblanc can say ‘no’ to).  The problem with the film is this - the budget is about $3.50, so we get no real horror effects.  Plus some of the acting is capital B-Bad - Billy Bob Thornton is embarrassing and Pasdar seems to be channeling Sheen’s performance in “Apocalypse Now” with his incessant narration.  “Grey Knight” is the director’s cut of the film, which is also known as “The Killing Box” and “Ghost Brigade”.  I never saw the original.  Woodchuck sez, “Not completely garbage, but definitely not good.”

Eye Candy #325 - "The Flock"

The Flock: A low-budget, direct-to-video thriller in the “Silence of the Lambs” variety, with Richard Gere as Erroll Babbage, an Albuquerque city employee responsible for keeping track of registered sex offenders (the ones he is responsible for are the “flock” of the title).  However, he has become more than a little obsessed with his work, acting more like a vigilante than public servant.  Claire Danes is a rookie assigned to learn the ropes from Erroll who comes to see Erroll‘s self-destructive obsession.  They soon find themselves on the trail of a kidnapper/killer that is baiting Erroll by kidnapping a local girl for your standard litany of sex and murder turn-ons.  After watching this film, I now have a new Woodchuck Rule of Film - sexual criminal thrillers are populated with characters with exotic names, all the way back to Jame Gumb.  Here we’ve got Erroll, Edmund, Custis, Haynes Ownby, amongst others.  Apparently there are no Bob Smiths in the realm of fictional killer-perverts.  Some of the characters are obviously based on Canadian killers Bernardo and Homolka.  Still the sum of the parts here is disappointing, and Claire Danes is no Jody Foster.  Woodchuck sez, “Largely underwhelming.”

Eye Candy #324 - "Gallipoli"

Gallipoli:  While on the surface, people may complain about the fairly obvious "foolishness of war" theme that runs through the end of the film (and since WW1 had several glaring examples of officer-level gross incompetency, while it may not be accurate for Gallipoli, it was certainly accurate for the war as generals held dear to the Napoleonic Wars-style of troop formations), to me it's more a picture about friendship, brotherhood, about what bravery is, and how people get swept along with notions of adventure and heroism when the reality is something much more real and worse. The story of two young Australian men (played by Mel Gibson and Mark Lee) who join up with the ANZACs during World War 1, from their recruitment, training in Egypt, and then to the trench warfare of the Gallipoli campaign along the Dardanelles in Turkey in 1915. The bulk of the film is about the journey to Gallipoli, not the battle itself. I'm a fan of Peter Weir to begin with, but this is easily my favorite of his films, and the two lead performances are great. Having seen a lot of war movies in my several years on this planet, this is in my top 5 favorite war films. Definitely worth a look and it’s held up well for being 26 years old. Woodchuck sez, "Me likey."

Eye Candy #323 - "The Greatest Game Ever Played"

The Greatest Game Ever Played: This Disney film is manipulative in the extreme. Directed by Bill Paxton, it's the true story of Francis Ouimet (played by Shia Lebeouf), life-long amateur golfer who, at the age of 20, is picked to represent the US at the 1913 US Open against the greatest player of his age, Harry Vardon (Stephan Dillane), with Ouimet going against both his family's wishes and the golf-playing society at large, to win it. It's manipulative in the fact that it changed the actual ending of the event (yes, Ouimet won; in the movie he scrapes by with 1 over, in reality he won by FIVE). The film is well made, spending as much time on Vardon as it does on Ouimet, and both leads are solid as their respective players. It just feels like it's lacking some kind of "oomph" to put it over the top. I would give a 3 1/2 stars if I could. Greatest movie about golf? Nope. That's still "Caddyshack". Woodchuck sez, "Was hoping for more."

Eye Candy #322 - "A Man Apart"

A Man Apart:  A fairly pedestrian, middle-of-the-road entry into the world of macho violent revenge-driven escapism, "A Man Apart" is a Vin Diesel project that followed the poo-tacular "XXX". He plays DEA agent Sean Vetter, who runs afoul of Mexican drug kingpin. Bullets fly, his wife gets killed, and suddenly Vetter is out to get him some of that which is best served cold, all while completely denying the fact that it was his irresponsibility and blase tough guy act that got his wife killed in the first place (i.e. when you take down the drug kingpin, you probably don't carry on like everything is normal). Throw in one WEIRD performance by Timothy Olyphant (better here than he was in "Live Free or Die Hard" or "The Hitman", but chewing scenery nonetheless), and you've got "A Man Apart". Typically I like director F Gary Gray's stuff (he did the great "Italian Job" remake that I can't not watch when it's on TV), but here, the script just doesn't have a lot to it. Best part - great job from character actor Jeff Kober, who usually gets to play the part of his chin. Woodchuck sez, "I expected better from Gray, and expected about the same from Diesel"

Eye Candy #321 - "Kick-Ass"

Kick-Ass:  I’ve been a comic geek longer than I’ve been most of the things in my life.  And while I have not read Mark Millar’s comic “Kick Ass”, upon which this movie is based, I’ve read enough of his other work to get the over-the-top, ridiculous streak that runs through some of his most violent work - it’s absurd and played for laughs.  So it should come as no surprise that “Kick-Ass” is very much in that same style.  High school nobody Dave Lizewski (Aaron Johnson) decides to become a costumed superhero in NYC, even though he has no powers or skills to speak of.  But through the amazing communication power of the internet, he becomes a sensation.  This puts him into the crosshairs of two different groups - 1.) mob boss Frank D’Amico (Mark Strong, very good here) and his cronies; and 2.) two other costumed vigilantes, Big Daddy (Nic Cage) and Hit Girl (Chloe Moretz), who do have the skills to pay the bills.  Kick-Ass himself is also juggling girl troubles, with the cute girl Katie finally coming around, but only because she thinks Dave is gay.   Blacker-than-pitch comedy, with enough violence and gun-fu, it would make John Woo proud, this film is raucous, laugh-out-loud funny, and profane.   People are shot, stabbed, microwaved, burned, blown up, run over, and severely beaten (sometimes repeatedly).  We also get Moretz stealing the picture as Hit Girl, the most violent 11 year old you’ve ever seen with the mouth of a sailor (she has some GREAT lines that even grown men would be ashamed to say).  Matthew Vaughn, who gave us the great, great “Layer Cake”, directs here with style (I particularly like the use of punk music when Hit Girl swings into action; the first time it’s to the Dickies’ version of the “Banana Splits” theme song, which I found a hysterical contrast to the carnage HG was committing on the screen).  I laughed a lot at this film, but I can see how the easily offended would be put off by this (as the easily offended are put off by just about anything).  And I think Roger Ebert’s comments about this film being “morally reprehensible” misses the point of the film - people that express an interest in being superheroes may indeed be sociopaths and more than a little masochistic, regardless of their hearts being in the right place, because sometimes that is what’s required when you can’t fly through the air or talk to sea creatures.  Woodchuck sez, “Good stuff.”

Eye Candy #320 - "King Kong" (2005)

King Kong:  I've been a fan of Peter Jackson since before the LOTR trilogy came out, and I've always enjoyed his appreciation for classic cinema (including his mockumentary "Forgotten Silver", that was so convincing some audiences tried to track down more of the fictitious director it featured), this is the third telling of "King Kong" since the 30's, it's the "gorilla meets girl" story to end all "gorilla meets girl" stories: On the heretofore unexplored Skull Island, a giant gorilla falls for the blond damsel, and then we've got the other humans and monsters trying to save her and/or kill her. Heavily investing in CGI and using Andy Serkis as the live model, Jackson makes Kong believable and sympathetic. The relationship between Ann Darrow (Naomi Watts) and Kong takes time to develop to make it realistic. The acting from the supporting players including Adrien Brody is solid. The special effects are quite simply some of the best committed to film outside of the sci-fi genre. The climactic Empire State Building scene actually induced vertigo in me when I saw it in the theaters (not so much on TV). The film is spooky, scary, touching, and funny. The only real weaknesses - Jack Black as showman Carl Denham (he seems like a caricature) and the length (3 hours). Woodchuck sez, "Me likey".

Eye Candy #319 - "Semi-Pro"

Semi-Pro:  When compared to both “Blades of Glory” and “Talladega Nights”, “Semi Pro” pales in comparison, as both a Will Ferrell comedy and a sports flick. In fact, it may be the weakest of all Ferrell’s comedies. This is the story of Jackie Moon, owner/coach/player of the Flint, Michigan Tropics in the American Basketball Assocation (the association was real, the Tropics, however, were not). Jackie is much more of a showman than a coach, who’d rather spend more time choreographing half-time dance presentations than actual basketball plays and fundamentals. With the impending merger of the NBA and ABA, the Tropics attempt to play better ball so they will be one of the teams that makes the cut. In doing so, they bring on board an older player, Monix (Woody Harrelson), who finds himself actually coaching the other players to make them better. We’ve also got Andre Benjamin (Andre 3000 from Outkast) and Will Arnett as commentator Lou Redwood. There are laughs here, just not as many as I’ve come to expect from Ferrell. Woodchuck sez, “Worth a look, but no Ricky Bobby.”

Eye Candy #318 - "The Counterfeiters"

The Counterfeiters:  While I often disagree with the Academy in terms of who wins what award for Best Picture, Actor, and so forth, they are often spot-on for the winner for Best Foreign Picture.  The winner for 2007, this movie details the Nazi’ “Operation Bernhard”: the mass counterfeiting of foreign documents including currency, travel papers, etc., with the initial goal of flooding the various Allied countries with these documents and leading to economic collapse.  The Germans forcibly recruit Jews with financial and criminal backgrounds from their various concentration camps to the project, providing them better than average accommodations. After initial success with the British pound note, they are then tasked with duplicating the US dollar.  The main character is Salomon Sorowitsch, the “King of Counterfeiters”, who finds himself interred with other printers, engravers, and artists at Sachsenhausen concentration camp.  Sorowitsch finds himself the de facto leader of the Jews on the project, protecting them from the Nazis as well as leading their counterfeiting efforts which are helping the Nazi war effort against the Jews.  A well-made movie all the way around, with solid acting, directing, and pacing.  Woodchuck sez, “The Academy got this one right.”

Eye Candy #317 - "Beer Wars"

Beer Wars:  A recent documentary by Anat Baron about the struggle of independent breweries to survive in a market dominated by 3 extremely large competitors, not the least of which is Anheuser-Busch (now InBev).  It’s a very one-sided look at the business and if you work for A-B, this is not the movie for you.  Baron focuses on two different parties in the film: the owners/operators of the Dogfish Head Brewery in Delaware run by Sam Calagione and upstart marketer Rhonda Kallman, who is struggling to sell her caffeine-laced beer Moon Shot on a regional, much less a national level.  And in the other corner, the Big 3, but Anheuser-Busch is easily painted in the most sinister light, with an advertising budget of some $300 million a year.  It does a good job detailing the unforeseen consolidation of the beer industry that has made it difficult for smaller breweries to find distributorship because of antiquated laws that protect more established brewers and their good ol’ boy distribution networks that freeze out competitors by refusing to carry their products at all.  A-B, as portrayed in the film, will do anything in its power from introducing identical products to suing over words used in beer titles to planning shelf space in grocery stores that highlight the placement of their product over others.  Also interesting to note the sheer number of brands that A-B under it now (over 80), including some you probably weren’t aware of (like Boddington’s Ale or Hoegaarden?  That‘s A-B).  So it has sullied my impression of Anheuser-Busch as all that was good in American brewing and reinforced indeed that they are most of what is bad - anti-competition, politically-connected, and over-marketed.  It’s time to go find me a craft beer.   However, as a film, it really depends on how much or little you can stand Anat Baron, who inserts herself readily into the picture.   You have seen better documentaries than this.  Woodchuck sez, “For aficionados.”

Eye Candy #316 - "Attack Force" (SEAGAL! #6)

Attack Force:  I continue to be amazed at the depths I have to plumb to find the worst Seagal movie.  Every time I think I’ve hit rock bottom, something else like “Attack Force” pops up.  Here is a Seagal movie so bad they OVER-DUBBED half of Seagal’s dialogue because they changed the plot after the film was already shot.  And the guy they have dubbing Seagal sounds nothing like Seagal.   Described as a “horror action movie”, Seagal is Marshall Lawson, who runs his own special forces unit for the American military.  While in Paris, several of his men are killed by a hooker who is under the influence of an experimental weaponized drug called CTX, that amps up your adrenaline and reflexes, making you extremely hard to kill.  It seems that the inventors of CTX wants to put it into Parisian water supply, creating a whole slew of hyped-up, hard-to-kill humans.  A really, truly terrible film in almost every way and a complete waste of time, to boot.  Woodchuck sez, “For the moment, the worst Seagal movie I‘ve ever seen.”

Eye Candy #315 - "Mirrormask"

Mirrormask:  With Neil Gaiman writing and production design and direction by Dave McKean, you just know that a film like "MirrorMask" is going to be visually interesting, yet still have an entertaining story. And the final product sort of does. Sort of. Throw in lots of bizarre creatures, maskwork, the most comprehensive use of bluescreen filming since "Sky Captain", and a little betrayal thrown into the mix, and you've got at least a pretty, different movie to look at it. As far as a story goes, however, it's got some serious flaws: 1.) the story moves at a snail's pace; 2.) good production design that serves only itself isn't technically good production design; and 3.) there are some definite Britishisms, including the setting and the backstory of Helena, which isn't explained at all. Imagine a Cirque de Soleil show, throw in some monsters, and turn it into a movie, and you've got the same fairly empty but really pretty to look at result. And that's unfortunate. I expected more of Gaiman's and McKean's story -- while it does have some nice touches, it just doesn't work. This is obviously trying to be a modern-day Alice in Wonderland but is too visually weird for its own good. I apparently had higher hopes than this movie was able to deliver. I hope that some day somehow, someone somewhere decides to film Good Omens instead.

Eye Candy #314 - "The Condemned"

The Condemned:  A vast improvement over previous films starring WWE wrestlers (particularly "The Marine" which was godawful), however this film is particularly mean-spirited and violent, to the point where I don't know how they were going to cross-market this film to children. We've got people blowing up, one impalement, arrows to the chest, at least one attempted rape, violence against women, lots of gunshot wounds and fatalities...quite simply, the kids who watch WWE and root for SCSA on Monday Night RAW are *NOT* the target audience for this film, not by a long shot. With almost no sense of humor, this film earns its R-rating.

Eye Candy #313 - "The Mutant Chronicles"

The Mutant Chronicles:  This is a sci-fi film that pulls heavily from steam punk fiction.  On a future Earth, where humanity uses steam technology to power aircraft and weaponry, the planet is attacked by necro-mutants, unleashed from a buried city during trench warfare between two neighboring super-corporations.  The necro-mutants are extremely durable and violent killing machines.  In six weeks time, they overrun much of the planet, with the remaining human  survivors abandoning the planet.  Meanwhile, a small team of hand-picked soldiers and combatants, led by a priest, Brother Samuel (Ron Perlman), are given a suicide mission and tasked with finding the “machine” responsible for creating the necro-mutants and destroying it before the planet is lost.  Had a better cast than I was expecting, with Thomas Jane and Benno Furmann joining Mr. Perlman, as well as some other noticeable character actors (provided you notice any character actors to begin with) like the immortal Sean Pertwee.  Not total garbage, but exposition heavy and with ambitions much loftier than its capabilities, with great heaping gobs of blue screen special effects and a conclusion that doesn’t really successfully conclude or explain anything.   The script for this could have been tighter, though in his defense, this is only the second feature for director Simon Hunter.  Woodchuck sez, “Coulda been, shoulda been.”

Eye Candy #312 - "The Ghosts of Girlfriends Past"

The Ghosts of Girlfriends Past:  A slight romantic comedy that leans heavily on Charles Dicken’s “The Christmas Carol”, starring Matthew McConaughey (for some reason, he alternates one romantic comedy, one something else).  Misogynistic fashion photographer Connor Mead, on the eve of his brother‘s wedding, is visited by several relations from his past, including his profligate dead uncle Wayne (Michael Douglas), at least one sexual conquest, his personal assistant, and an angel, all in an effort to show him the errors of his philandering, womanizing ways and that true love does exist.  Jennifer Garner is along for the ride as Jenny, Connor’s childhood sweetheart.  Supporting cast also includes Breckin Meyer, Lacey Chabert, Robert Forster, and Anne Archer.  When I said “slight” earlier, this is REAL slight.  I keep hoping he’ll morph into my generation’s Paul Newman, but he keeps signing up for these romantic comedies.   The film has some problems - the characters by and large are stereotypes of the broadest strokes.  And while some performances stick out (like Emma Stone’s, as Connor’s first sexual conquest at 16), they can’t carry the whole film.  Sure, it had some “cute parts“, but no film worth its salt is remembered for its “cute parts”.  Woodchuck sez, “I keep being disappointed, McConaughey.”

Eye Candy #311 - "Nosferatu the Vampyre" (1979)

Nosferatu the Vampyre:  I’m a sucker (no pun intended) for a Herzog/Kinski collaboration and I suppose any director worth his salt would want to give any of the great horror franchises a whirl (and historically, the Dracula films fare better than any of the others).  Performed by European actors for whom English was their second language (some obviously learned their lines phonetically without understanding what they were saying), there are several deviations from the original story here.  Jonathan Harker (Bruno Ganz) is sent to Transyvlania by his employer, Renfield, to help Count Dracula (Klaus Kinski) purchase a piece of property is Wismar, Germany.  Harker leaves behind his wife Lucy (a combination character of Mina Harker and Lucy Westenra), and Dracula travels to Wismar to take her as his own, turning Jonathan into a vampire, and bringing doom with him.  A more subdued take of on the ol’ Count, where he is less a malevolent force and more the victim of his own circumstances.  The bad things that befall people around him seem more a byproduct of who he is rather than deliberate action on his part.  He is a Dracula tired of immortality, starved for love, and desperately lonely.  Harker is barely a hero, with the focus on Lucy, who stops Dracula.  Also, rather than the sweeping gothic horror shows, the film plays the setting very straight - this is easily the most well-lit Castle Dracula ever committed to film.  Not a menacing shadow, or spooky cobweb to be found, and the sexuality that oozes from some versions is almost completely absent.  The film is okay, but not great, and not the best of the Herzog/Kinski collaborations. I'd give it 3 and a half. Woodchuck sez, “Worth a look.”

Eye Candy #310 - "Flight of Fury" (SEAGAL! #5)

Flight of Fury:  I don’t expect to find anything particularly good as I make my way through Seagal’s oeuvre, but I am amazed about how bad some of it is.  “Flight of Fury” is TERRIBLE, easily one of the worst (though not as bad as “Against the Dark“).   When a top secret stealth aircraft is stolen (which sounds an awful lot like the plot to half-a-dozen other movies), the commanding general turns to ex-military ne’er-do-well John Sands (Seagal) to get it back.  The plane is in the possession of terrorists in Afghanistan so Sands goes to get it back.  He is supported by the world’s most inept SEAL team (we’re talking a gunfight where not a SINGLE ONE OF THEM actually SEEKS COVER).  Their behavior is so ridiculously dumb, it’s offensive to even pretend they are remotely similar to current enlisted active duty military (who at least have the good sense to fire from BEHIND COVER).  And the badness doesn’t stop there.  Vehicles change mid-car chase as do planes in mid-flight (apparently the producers thought any plane that began with an F could be substituted for any other plane that began with an F),  there is some awkward lesbianism, the re-use of old SR-71 footage from 60’s and 70’s (you can tell, because the film stock changes dramatically during the superfluous refueling scene).  And the really ridiculously cherry on this pile of a ridiculous sundae is the sad news is that this is a REMAKE of a Michael Dudikoff movie called “Black Thunder“…who the hell remakes a Michael Dudikoff movie?!  So Seagal stole from Dudikoff…who had the kinds of roles in the 1980’s that Seagal had in the 90’s.  I guess it’s only a matter of time before we get Seagal’s “American Ninja” remake (called something else, of course).  Poo begets poo, people.  Not the bottom of the barrel but you can see the slats. Woodchuck sez, “Absolute crapola.”

Eye Candy #309 - "The Adventures of Pluto Nash"

The Adventures of Pluto Nash:  Considered one of the worst films in the last 10 years, and one, if not, THE biggest financial flop in history, I decided I should take it upon myself to check it out.  And oddly enough, while slow-moving, and devoid of anything resembling a laugh, it’s not the worst film I’ve ever seen.  Eddie Murphy is Pluto Nash, bar owner and former con living on the moon, who is trying to find out who blew us his nightclub.  Loud and bright, like a live-action Looney Tunes cartoon, I can’t figure out who they were targeting with this movie (there are certainly several non-kid jokes and language).  For some reason, I kept thinking of “Total Recall”, except that’s, y’know, a good movie.  Lots of decent actors phoning it in (Murphy actually does the best with what he’s given;  Peter Boyle, Rosario Dawson, Illeana Douglas, amongst others, seem to be floundering).  The only bright spot is Randy Quaid as Bruno, Nash’s late model, vaguely sociopathic robot bodyguard.  Not complete hooey, but let me temper that by saying, “Eddie, how is your agent letting you read these scripts?”.  Not complete hooey, and if this had come out ten years ago, it would have been cutting edge and probably better received (considering the original script was conceived in the mid-80‘s).  Woodchuck sez, “Better than ‘Leonard Part 6‘.”

Eye Candy #308 - "The Thaw"

The Thaw:  One of these “Ghost House Underground” thingees, a slew of low-budget horror movies with some recognizable names attached to them, whether in front of or behind the camera. It has Val Kilmer in it, and while he’s on the downside of his career, he’s given me enough good memories on the way up, I’m being kind to him on his way back down, even if it is almost exclusively direct-to-video hooey (I have yet to find that undiscovered diamond in the direct-to-dvd rough). At a remote arctic station in Alaska, Dr. David Kruipen (Kilmer) has discovered a frozen wooly mammoth in the snow. Unfortunately the mammoth isn’t the only thing thawing out. A group of students, including David’s daughter Evelyn, are assigned to assist his research, but things go all pear-shaped before they arrive, as prehistoric parasites are happy to find warm, new human hosts to infect. And Kruipen has ulterior motives of his own. If you don’t like creepy crawlies or bugs, this is NOT the video for you. Not at all. Seriously. I’m not kidding. A weird mélange of gross-out horror, global warming tirade, and low-budget creepiness, it relies too heavily on the “inherently eerie winter wilderness” (as other similar recent winter-themed horror movies have too, like “The Last Winter”) – if the evily googaly-moogalies don’t get you, the stir craziness will. It’s meant to be low budget, and it certainly is. Woodchuck sez, “Nothing to write home about.”

Eye Candy #307 - "Rendition"

Rendition:  A one-sided, heavy-handed indictment of the use of rendition and torture in the "War on Terror" to obtain information used to interdict other terror acts and terrorists, "Rendition" does come across as the latest entry in the "America...BAD!" school of film (look at this year's documentary Oscar nominees as other examples of this genre, as if the only documentaries worth seeing this year all somehow managed to slag the US, the Iraq War, or both). It's not even going for parity, it's wearing that right on its sleeve. As a film, "Rendition" is fine. It's not the best, not the worst of its kind. It kept my attention, and it's watchable. The performances break down into two categories - 1.) the good guys (Jake Gyllenhaal, Reese Witherspoon, the rendered husband, the young martyr); 2.) the bad guys (Alan Arkin, Meryl Streep, the interrogator). It's portrayed as that black/white - authority figures are capital B Bad, while the mavericks, rebels, those against the system are capital G Good, and that is hardly capital R Realistic. But in those terms, some folks are going to eat this film up with a spoon because its simplifying a complicated problem in a manner that will get them riled. Fine. Everybody absorbs every film and every message through their own filter. Just don't forget - it is a feature film, from a fictional script, designed to agitate people enough to buy a movie ticket or rent it to watch it and see what it's "all about". If you want to know more, please, please, please inform yourself through some venue or medium other than Hollywood. The best part of the movie? Peter Sarsgaard, not playing a heavy, layabout, criminal, murderer, or scumbag, but rather as the most realistic person in the film, as opposed to say Meryl Streep, who, if she had a mustache, would be twisting the ends like Snidely Whiplash, she's played as so much of an out-and-out heavy.

Eye Candy #306 - "The Chronicles of Narnia - Prince Caspian"

The Chronicles of Narnia - Prince Caspian: Not nearly as bad as some of the reviews would have you believe, but definitely lacking the umph of “The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe”.  Based on the second book of C.S. Lewis’ Narnia books, “Prince Caspian” even as a novel, is a step-down from the first book.  Thousands of years have passed in Narnia since the Pevensie children left, with a race of humans called Spaniard, er, I mean, Telmarines have invaded and cast the natives out into the wilderness.  Enter Prince Caspian, latest Telmarine in line for the throne, except his uncle covets it for himself and is willing to foment war with the Narnians to get it.  He summons the Pevensies back to Narnia to help him stop the Telmarines and restores the Narnians.  Good things about this movie - some of the action set pieces are very well done, some of the voice talents (including Eddie Izzard) are very good.  Bad things about this movie - length (it’s over 2 hours long); unnecessary Spanish accents on some characters (particularly Caspian), flat character depictions not supported by the text or the previous movie (I privately call this movie “The Chronicles of Narnia - Peter is an @$$”), and a general lethargy that doesn’t translate the urgency to the plot to urgency in the film.  I understand that book 3 is now in pre-production, based on “The Voyage of the Dawn Treader”, so we’re not done with Narnia yet.  Woodchuck sez, “Not awful, just average.”

Eye Candy #305 - "XXX Special Edition"

XXX Special Edition:  A silly "action" movie with a plot just this side of absolutely ludicrous. Vin Diesel is Xander Cage, professional thrillseeker and extreme sportsman (I use the term "sportsman" very loosely) whose idea of a good time is stealing other people's sports car for use a mobile platforms for his BASE jumping. He is recruited by Agent Gibbons, of the NSA, to infiltrate a Russian crime group, Anarchy 99, in the hopes of shutting down a terror plot they are hatching. So off Xander goes to Europe and it takes him all of FIFTEEN MINUTES to infiltrate the terrorists, as they are apparently brought together by their love of extreme sports and the German pyrotechnic hardcore band Rammstein. Seriously it takes THAT LONG. With such an arduous vetting process, it's any wonder that the Russian crooks are a threat AT ALL. Along the way Xander hooks up with Asia Argento, notable mostly for being the daughter of Dario Argento and for having him direct her first nude scene. That's a new spin on "Take your Daughter to Work Day". Dear Marton Csokas, of LOTR fame, is Yorgi, head of the Russians and is apparently playing the part of his accent. Another middling yea-style-screw-substance action film from Rob Cohen. Woodchuck sez, "Only for the easily amused."

Eye Candy #304 - "Surveillance"

Surveillance:  It has now become readily apparent that the only reason that Jennifer Lynch is allowed to direct films is that her father David Lynch is willing to bankroll them.  This is only the second feature film from Lynch the Younger (the first being the widely reviled “Boxing Helena”, the poor reception of which caused Lynch the Younger to go into seclusion) and it tells a very Rashomon-like story - a traffic stop gone awry involving out-of-control cops, drug addicts, a family of four, five cars, and two killers wearing masks that look like they are made out of skin.  Two FBI agents (Bill Pullman and Julia Ormond) arrive on the scene to determine what happened, and the three survivors of the events have differing versions of what happened for the agents to sort through.  And there are still the two killers to deal with.   Low-key, boring thriller where most of the characters and some of the performances seem lifted directly from one of her father’s films (Bill Pullman seems to be channeling “Blue Velvet” specifically).  In spite of its lack of originality and vitality, its biggest flaw is…there is no point to the story.  You get to sit through the whole dang thing to get to say, “who cares?!” or “what the heck was that all about?”  Lynch says it has to do with “how people change their stories based on what they see”.  Really, Jennifer?  It seemed more like “how people change their stories when they are engaged in full-on CYA to save themselves”.  And the title has nothing to do with anything plot related (there is no surveilling, no surveillance cameras, or anything to do with the word ’surveillance’ in the film).   Here is hoping Jennifer stops riding Daddy’s coattails and doesn’t direct again.  Woodchuck sez, “Skip it.”

Eye Candy #303 - "Blood - The Last Vampire"

Blood - The Last Vampire:  Based on the anime of the same name about a teenaged demon/vampire hunter stalking and killing vampires in the 1970’s on a fictional American military base in Japan, Kanto Air Force Base, a stand-in for the real Yokota Air Force Base. Saya (Korean actress Gianna Sun) goes undercover as a schoolgirl to track down demons disguised as humans in a Tokyo just chock full of monsters. American student Alice (Allison Miller) finds herself drawn into Saya’s “work”, as Saya is out to get Onigen (Koyuki, who you may recognize from “The Last Samurai”), the oldest and most powerful of the vampires. British character actors abound here, including Colin Salmons and Liam Cunningham. In fact, with the exception of Miller, there’s not an American to be had, for all the people playing Americans with varying success at their accents. It doesn’t really bring anything new to the table in terms of the property. The special effects could be better. The violence is goofy and outlandish (particularly one set piece in a ravine that is straight out of a cartoon). We get overuse of slow motion and CGI blood effects that are just ridiculous. All I’m saying is don’t get shot in the world of “Blood”, or something akin to cranberry rice pudding will explode out of you. Schoolgirl fetishists will enjoy this in particular. French director Chris Nahon gave us Jet Li’s “Kiss of the Dragon”, and this film could use a heaping helping of Tcheky Karyo. Nahon plays the least convincing Army interrogator you’ll ever see at at the end of the film and his mispronunciation of English words is entertaining. Watchable, but not memorable. Woodchuck sez, “Fans of the genre and property will probably enjoy it.”

Eye Candy #302 - "The Filth and the Fury - A Sex Pistols Film"

The Filth and The Fury - A Sex Pistols Film:  The Sex Pistols are one of those groups that half the music lovers swear was some paradigm-expanding band that changed the way music was done up to that point, and the other half swear someone else did it first.  Elvis, the Beatles, Nirvana all fall into the same sort of classification (in the case of the Pistols, it was the New York Dolls and the Stooges that did it first).  I have never personally invested a whole lot in the allure of the Sex Pistols, while I will freely admit I haven’t listened to much of their music.  This documentary about the incendiary punk rock band takes us from their humble beginnings to their meteoric rise and just as meteoric dissolution.  Incorporating concert footage and interviews from all the band members, including the deceased Sid Vicious, this film was put together with the blessing and participation of John “Rotten” Lydon, who is notorious for being media confrontational (you even get to see Lydon break down on camera while talking about the death of Vicious;  noticeably absent from the film is their Svengali of a manager Malcolm Mclaren). The story of the Sex Pistols has all of what are now standard musician pitfalls and excesses - working-class background, destructive relationships, drug abuse and death, domineering management and financial destitution, from their creation in 1974 to their break-up in 1978, they lived it all.  And while much of the Sex Pistols schtick was absolutely calculated to elicit the reactions they received from establishment,  they were an insect light for disaffected young people rebelling against the conventions of their respective societies.  I will say that after having seen this film, my respect for the Sex Pistols has grown leaps and bounds.  When you look at the musical morass they emerged from (Bay City Rollers, ELO, ELP, Yes, prog rock galore), they may very well have saved music for us all.  I also liked that the film juxtaposed the real-life footage against clips from Sir Laurence Olivier’s version of “Richard III”.  Good stuff.   Woodchuck sez, “Check it out.”

Eye Candy 301 - "Driven to Kill" (SEAGAL! #4)

Driven to Kill:  Would have preferred the original title, “Ruslan”, the name of Steven Seagal’s character in his latest direct-to-DVD offering.  Seagal is a retired Russian mobster who now writes crime thrillers under a pseudonym.  During the preparations for his daughter’s wedding, unknown parties murder his ex-wife and grievously injure his daughter, and it’s up to Ruslan to get himself a heaping helping of revenge, with his former son-in-law to be in tow.  Seagal’s Russian accent is fleeting like the wind, and his hair looks like he dumped a can of the shake-on variety on his head.  Violent as you would expect, but better than the Seagal average (so instead of a 1 star movie, you get a 2 star movie).  Watchable, predictable, but not memorable, with too many jump cuts during the fight scenes that it's nausea-inducing.  Woodchuck sez, “Better than what you’re expecting, but not good by any means.”

Eye Candy #300 - "Elizabethtown"

Elizabethtown:  I like almost all of Cameron Crowe's films (with the exception of "Vanilla Sky"), so I was keen to see this film when I saw the previews. Orlando Bloom plays a shoe designer to who designs arguably the worst athletic shoe in the history of athletic shoes, causing the company he works for to lose $3 billion. To top that off, his father dies and he goes to Kentucky for the funeral. Along the way he meets a stewardess who is say, more than a little obsessive and detail-oriented, and the two start an odd kind of friendship. I really enjoyed this film. I think the two leads have good chemistry, and the supporting cast is uniformly solid, including the immortal Bruce McGill. Sure, there are some outrageous plot elements (a lot of people get hung up on the shoe part), but I'm okay with it being a device that moves the plot along and not the focus of the plot itself.  Great soundtrack, too.  Woodchuck sez, "Me likey".

Eye Candy #299 - "The Horsemen"

The Horsemen: Dennis Quaid and Zhang Ziyi (improbably) star in this vastly mediocre thriller, involving a group of ritual killings based on the biblical 4 horsemen. Dennis Quaid is Aidan Breslin, a recent widower and police officer with a background in dental forensics. He and his two sons are growing apart rapidly after the death of his wife, and Breslin soon finds himself investigating what appear to be several related gruesome murders involving torture, mutilation, and piercing festishes. One of the victims has an adopted Asian daughter (Ziyi), and soon Breslin finds himself in way over his head, dealing with multiple killers and their various agendas who have had it out for him from the very start. If there was ever an “emo thriller”, this is it. The villains are overly emotional teenagers looking for the gray lining behind their silver cloud lives. Apparently, growing up the product of a middle class, White background makes you a self-destructive monster with feelings of inadequacy. If this was a serious effort by Ziyi to continue appearing in American films, it was a terrible decision (easily the worst film I’ve ever seen her in) – her talent is way above this script and she is given barely anything to do. Only bright spot – Clifton Collins Jr. as Stingray, Breslin’s sidekick who looks like he fell out of a 70’s cop show. Otherwise, no surprise why it went direct to DVD. Woodchuck sez, “Disappointing all around.”

Eye Candy #298 - "The Haunting in Connecticut"

The Haunting in Connecticut: Allegedly based on the real experiences of the Snedeker family of Southington, Connecticut and their own haunted house, “The Haunting in Connecticut” is a ‘dark scary house’ picture, one of those where the house and its otherworldly residents try to kill, take over, eat, rape, and/or destroy their respective tenants. Matthew de Luglio is a teenage boy stricken with cancer. In order to receive better treatment, his family moves to Connecticut to be closer to the hospital. They move into an old house with a past that was once connected to abductions, embalming, necromancy, and séances. Soon Matthew is seeing dead people who aren’t there, bodies, ghosts, burned corpses, and having flashbacks, with the supernatural acts becoming more and more violent and affecting additional members of his family the longer they stay in the house. Turns out “old house with a past” doesn’t begin to cover what was going on in the basement of said house years ago. Cut from the same cloth as “Amityville” and the like (but better than either “Amityville”, original or remake, both of which bordered on the ridiculous. If I want to watch a “dad goes crazy” picture, I’ll watch “The Shining”), it doesn’t bring a great deal new to the table either. The “based on a real story” claim is extremely tenuous as about the only thing they have in common are ghosts and a house. Reminded me most of the film “Darkness” and was equally as disappointing (both had interesting ideas they failed to capitalize on). Not awful, but not good either. Woodchuck sez, “For fans of the genre.”

Eye Candy #297 - "My Bloody Valentine 3-D"

My Bloody Valentine 3-D:  Never saw the original horror movie this remake was based off, but I have to say that this one wastes absolutely no time in accruing a body count.  We’ve got people catching pick-axes in the back of the head within 2 minutes of the opening credits, complete with eyes popping out of heads and other heads being severed in two with the creative use of a shovel.  And the situation does not improve for our hapless victims from there, as they are hunted down over a period of years by Harry Warden, a masked homicidal former miner who was the victim of a mine cave-in that left him all kinds of not right in the head.  Lots of gore here (very few of the killings happen off-camera and all the victims are dismembered in some way) along with some odd nudity (at least one character had no budget for costumes, as she is naked the entire time she is on screen), and several of the good ol‘ genre clichés (the inability to outrun a walking villain).  Fun and dumb.  Or dumb and fun.  I can’t tell for sure.  Woodchuck sez, “Fan of the genre will like this.”

Eye Candy #296 - "The Saint"

The Saint:  This is one of those movies that I never saw when it first came out and have somehow managed to dodge with no great effort since then.  But I generally like Val Kilmer’s work and this was the movie that he walked away from the “Batman“ franchise to do, and it was cheap from the video store, so here we go.  Plus, I’ve liked some of the other movies by director Philip Noyce quite a bit (like “The Quiet American”).  Kilmer is Simon Templar, professional thief with a talent for disguises (though they never seem to actually fool anyone) looking for his last big score.  He is hired by a corrupt Russian politician/gangster to steal information concerning cold fusion power generation developed by an American scientist (Elizabeth Shue, who is absolutely DREADFUL).  However the scientist falls for him, the Russians double cross him, and what follows is a fairly anemic “thriller” that is devoid of real urgency and any other sensation of note (the love scenes are almost clinical).   This film, along with “The Island of Dr. Moreau” the year before helped  since Kilmer’s career for the better part of a decade (until 2004’s “Spartan”).   This one was let down by its script and the usually reliable Ms. Shue. Woodchuck sez, “Really quite terrible.”

Eye Candy #295 - "The Boy in the Striped Pajamas"

The Boy in the Striped Pajamas:  Based on the children’s book of the same name, we’ve got the story of a young German boy Bruno who befriends a Jewish child Schmuel who is prisoner in a camp run by Bruno’s father (played by David Thewlis).  Shortly after arriving at the camp, Bruno discovers the “farm” behind his family’s house and the “farmers”.   Left mostly to his own devices, he meets Schmuel, not knowing how he is supposed to treat Jews.  They spend days talking from opposite sides of the fence, as Bruno learns more and more about who the prisoners are, why they are kept there, what is done to them, and his father’s part in it.  At the same time he is tutored by a propaganda-spewing professor, needled by his propaganda-swallowing older sister, and adrift from his mother, who is emotionally in the same boat as Bruno but can’t articulate it to him.  On the eve of his family’s departure from the camp, Bruno offers to help Schmuel find his missing father in the camp, necessitating his sneaking into the concentration camp and dressing like a prisoner, setting into motion events that can pretty well be described as “the worst ending you can think of.”  You know what I’m talking about.  Think of the movie “Se7en”, the worst possible ending is Gwyneth Paltrow’s head in the box.  You could have any other characters’ head in the box but hers and the audience would have felt better.   This film ends just like that. No hope.  No silver lining.  Nada.  It’s a well made film and well acted, even though the supporting characters are painted in broad swaths and the conclusion is completely expected if you’ve been paying attention for the first hour of the film.  The last 20 minutes of the film seems slapped on prematurely (the film clocks in right at 90 minutes, making it possibly the shortest movie ever to deal with the Holocaust), and the ending is abrupt.  Woodchuck sez, “Worth a look.”