Eye Candy #449 - "Tango & Cash"

Tango & Cash: This may be the epitome of the goofy buddy cop action genre that really spun out of control in the 1980‘s.   It’s also a perfect example of movies advertised through comic book ads are almost always garbage.   Which isn’t to say that I don’t like this movie.  I do, it‘s a guilty pleasure.   Ray Tango (Sylvester Stallone as the trendy one) and Gabriel Cash (Kurt Russell, playing the Martin Riggs role) are LA’s two most unconventional cops.  They run afoul of criminal mastermind Yves Perret (a very hammy Jack Palance) who sets them up for murder.  So it’s up to our two mavericks cops to work together to clear their names.  Slick, flashy, over-produced, with an irritating synthesizer score, incidental nudity, terrible dialogue (they are trying soooo hard to come up with witty banter), and a ludicrous plot.  Character actors abound like Brion James, Clint Howard, and James Hong.  Oh, and we get Robert Z’dar, who is notable mostly for having a freakishly large chin.  A loud dumb movie that exists only as an excuse to stage loud dumb action set pieces in a loud dumb way.  Large quantities of sugar glass were harmed during the making of this movie.  Russell fares better with the one-liners than Stallone.  This film set Russian director Andrey Konchalovskiy’s career back decades.  Woodchuck sez, “Utterly trashy fun in a very mindless way.”

Eye Candy #448 - "The Night of the Generals"

Night of the Generals:  A “thriller” (though extremely mild) about the murder of a Polish prostitute that was committed by one of 3 German generals during World War 2, played by Donald Pleasance, Charles Gray, and Peter O’Toole.   Omar Shariff, in heavy make-up, plays a major pursuing the killer across Europe, his hunt for the killer climaxing in conjunction with the failed assassination attempt of Adolf Hitler.   Of course, with that list of suspects there is no surprise at the “reveal” of who the murderer is as he is easily the most manic of the three actors to begin with.  Flat, boring, and overlong (almost 2 ½ hours), there is very little thrilling about this “thriller”.  Woodchuck sez, “Skip it.”

Eye Candy #447 - "Out for a Kill" (SEAGAL! #9)

Out for a Kill:  One of the least comprehensible of Seagal’s offerings in his “Usedtobe” mini-genre - he used to be a world renowned art thief who became an award-winning archeologist in China by the name of Robert Burns.  Running afoul of the Tongs, they murder his assistant and set him up for smuggling charges, so he gets to spend some time in the fine Chinese prison system.  Upon his release, the Tongs responsible for his prison stay work to silence him permanently, including killing his wife.   So he fights through the Tong, killing the various bosses and their never-ending stream of flunkies located in farflung corners of the globe.  From the mid 2000’s, this film is part of the “Fat Era”,  as I call it, as he is overweight in every one of the films.  Even his hair looks fat.  The dialogue is terrible (as are the Chinese translations - I could have sworn he walks into a room and says “hello”, but it’s translated into “a-hole”), the acting is bad (even Corey Johnson, who is usually fairly dependable), the plot is dumb, and the special effects and wirework are equal parts sloppy and atrocious (there is some terrible green screen work here).  It’s just as bad as I was expecting it to be.  Woodchuck sez, “Godawful”.

Eye Candy #446 - "Machete"

Machete:  I’d love to tell you this was a rational, well-reasoned treatise on the state of immigrant affairs, but I’d be lying through my teeth.  This is a big loud action/black comedy from Robert Rodriguez, expounding on a fake “Grindhouse“ trailer from several years back, though Danny Trejo has played variations of the same sort of character in many of Rodriguez’ films to date.  Machete (Trejo) is a Mexican federale who, while trying to right wrongs, is betrayed and his family destroyed by Torrez (Steven Seagal in his first theatrical release in years).  Years later, he is on the US side of the border in Austin, Texas, and finds himself the pawn of several gringo powerbrokers (played by Jeff Fahey, Robert DeNiro, and Don Johnson), set up for a politically-motivated shooting by a Minutemen-like militia.  But he’s not alone - a young ICE agent (played by Jessica Alba) and a local immigrant underground, headed by “She” (Michelle Hernandez) don’t stand idly by.  So Machete goes on the warpath to extract some vengeance and justice for illegals everywhere.  Cheech Marin and Lindsay Lohan are here in support.  Gory, funny, with ridiculous violence delivered with a wink and a nudge and more than a little nudity (for those that ever wanted to see Lohan‘s breasts, your ship has come in; even Alba gets a little almost nakey), the film is extravagantly silly fun.  Not high art, not by a long shot, but another stylish, audacious flick from Rodriguez.  He may have some wild ideas, but you can’t say that he doesn’t commit fully to them, which includes a finale that pushes the limits of credulity. And any movie that uses “(Hey Baby) Que Paso?” in the first several minutes can’t be all bad.  Woodchuck sez, “Check it out.”

Eye Candy #445 - "The Runaways"

The Runaways:  This is the fictionalized biopic of the rock band of the same name, focusing on lead singer Cherie Currie (played by Dakota Fanning), guitarist Joan Jett (played by Queen Scowl, Kristin Stewart), and their mercurial manager, Kim Fowley (played indulgently by Michael Shannon, who almost single-handedly steals the picture).  For all that, the film remains aloof from its subjects, content to spend more time on the debauchery and sexuality then who they actually really were, trying to lend more profundity to a story that just wasn‘t all that inherently profound to begin with (unless of course you fell for all of Kim Fowley‘s PR spin).  Cherie gets a bit of a whitewash, even though everything I’ve seen or read about our her, including her own words, reveals her as a raging egomaniac fully aware of what she was doing.  Fanning plays Currie like Little Girl Lost, a victim of her surroundings instead of an active participant in her own self-destruction, a character worthy of pity even if her issues were mostly self-inflicted.  Beyond Jett and Currie, the rest of the Runaways get minimal exposure.  The only redeeming feature of the film is the soundtrack, which is loaded with Runaways songs as well as other punk and rock hits.  The film did lousy at the box office.  The studio said it was because it didn’t resonate with a particular target-marketed audience.  I think it’s because it’s a nearly worthless film.   Woodchuck sez, “Skip it.”

Eye Candy #444 - "Brooklyn's Finest"

Brooklyn’s Finest: Better than its lack of studio support and marketing would have you believe, this is a very busy picture about three different cops working the beat in the seedier parts of Brooklyn: one on the verge of retirement but with a lackluster career spent mostly covering his own rear, one undercover so long he has a hard time returning to normalcy or walking away from his friendship with a just-released convict, and one looking to score extra cash, even if it means murdering crooks to do it.  The talent pool is very deep here - Richard Gere (nicely against type), Wesley Snipes (refreshing to see him in something that wasn‘t direct to DVD), Don Cheadle, and Ethan Hawke, along with Brian F. O‘Byrne, Will Patton, and Ellen Barkin in support.  So lots of story tangents here to follow through on, lots of actors to feature.  Antoine Fuqua directed.  Almost too much going on here, which explains its over-length (it’s longer than 2 hours), and lacks some of the dramatic notes that would push this over the top from good to great picture.   Still probably the best “cops are crooks” picture to come along since “Training Day”.  Woodchuck sez, “Worth a look.”

Eye Candy #443 - "Harry Brown"

Harry Brown:  The British answer to “Death Wish” and “Gran Torino” about retired Royal Marine Harry Brown (Michael Caine) who is tired of watching the decline of his housing area at the hands of criminal gangs (to say that the “estate” has gone to seed would be like saying that Flint, Michigan is in need of minor urban renewal).  After one of his friends is murdered by the gang, Brown decides to take vengeance upon them, hunting down the youths responsible, as two detectives (Emily Mortimer and Charlie Creed-Miles) attempt to learn the truth about the death of Harry’s friend, all while trying to function in a failed police bureaucracy.  Liam Cunningham and Iain Glen are here in support.  Stark, depressing, and grim, like “Snatch” without the humor, the film does less to glamorize vigilantism than “Death Wish”, but is missing the crusty humanity of “Gran Torino”.  Harry Brown is an emotional island long before we ever get to know him, and his journey is not one of redemption, but of calculated destruction.  The ending is also a bit too pat,  unless you can believe that one septuagenarian with a pistol can clean up an entire neighborhood in this day and age.  The message here is muddled.  Still it’s very watchable and Caine does great.  Woodchuck sez, “Check it out.”