Eye Candy #562 - "The Source Code"

The Source Code:  This over-praised sci-fi film is the second feature from director Duncan Jones, who gave us the fantastic “Moon”.  It’s a more straight-forward thriller about a young man, Colter Stevens (played by Jake Gyllenhaal), who wakes up on a train bound for Chicago, across from a beautiful woman he doesn’t know named Christina (played by Michelle Monaghan).  Several minutes later, the train blows up, killing everyone on board.  Except Colter isn’t dead – he comes to in a sealed module, with only a monitor for contact to the outside world.  A military handler appears (played by Vera Farmiga), who informs Colter he is part of a program called “the source code” that, through vaguely defined quantum mechanics, allows them to recreate the last eight minutes of a person’s life.  His job is to relive the last 8 minutes of one of the victims so that he can find the person responsible so a second bombing can be prevented.  He is also told not to attempt to alter any events.  The problem being that the source code is not a virtual reality program, it’s an alternate reality program.  So Colter attempts various means of learning the identity of the bomber, the location of the bomb, and deals with various red herrings (if you’re paying attention, you’ll figure out who the bomber is in the first 15 minutes), but he also finds himself identifying more and more with Christina and the other people on the train and decides to save them.  Jeffrey Wright co-stars as the head of the source code program (which let me just say, is a terrible title for a movie).  Less nebulous and metaphorical than “Moon”, and honestly, not nearly as interesting to watch, “The Source Code” plays like a fairly standard Hollywood thriller – boy meets girl under extreme circumstances and must save her and the day.  There are literally dozens of movies that follow that pattern.  And the execution here isn’t particularly noteworthy or technically remarkable.  Nor does the plot hold up to close scrutiny (if you want a general explanation of how the source code works, you’re not going to get it).  Gyllenhaal and Monaghan are fine in the leads, but Farmiga and Wright are wasted in do-nothing roles.  This one didn’t live up to the hype.  See “Moon” instead.  Woodchuck sez, "Nothing special.”

Eye Candy #561 - "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2"

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2:  Seven books and eight films later, the Harry Potter franchise draws to a close.  Picking up directly after the end of “Deathly Hallows, Part 1”, Harry and friends Ron and Hermione must complete their quest to destroy the remaining horcruxes that contain pieces of Voldemort’s soul so that he can be defeated once and for all, while rousing their friends and allies into action against him and his evil cronies to save Hogwart’s, their way of life, and their world.   Director David Yates has been on board the franchise since “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix”, giving the franchise more visual continuity than previous directors and fully grasping the general darkness of the last several books (they’ve become less and less like children’s books and movies).  Several changes from the source material here, with most of the supporting cast put on the back-burner (the Battle of Hogwarts is neutered quite a bit, as Yate chose to focus on the main trio rather than the other players, which is unfortunate as there are/were some good bits for some of them).  And many of the players from previous entries are back as well for one final hurrah.  The battle and its rejoinder take up the bulk of the film, and what we get to see of it is well-staged.  We also get a bit in the vaults at Gringot’s that is done well.  My favorite performance – actually it’s Warwick Davis playing Griphook the Goblin.  For some reason, I thought he handled it extremely well and was unrecognizable.  My main complaint, aside from the supporting cast mostly relegated to the shadows, is length – there is really no good reason that this couldn’t have been done as a single film.   There are so many lingering shots on faces and reactions that it gives the film a bloated running time.  It’s the same problem part 1 had.   You just want them to hurry up and DO SOMETHING.  Oh, and the aging effects for the epilogue at the end aren’t all that believable.  As a movie, it’s fine.  As a series conclusion, I was hoping for a little more.  I don’t think it’s the best film in the bunch (my favorites are parts 4-5).  And this film is definitely for completists who have seen all the previous films.  If you haven’t, good luck - the creators don’t bother to wait for you.  Woodchuck sez, “Worth a look.”

Eye Candy #560 - "In the Name of the King - A Dungeon Siege Tale"

In the Name of the King – A Dungeon Siege Tale:  I was looking for a cheap movie to waste some time at an airport, and I think I paid too much.  Based on the “Dungeon Siege” game, which I freely admit I have never played nor know much about, this fantasy film is intensely derivative of other films in the same genre, in particular “Lord of the Rings” (the soundtrack sounds like outtakes from LOTR), and “Willow”, amongst others.  Jason Statham is the imaginatively named Farmer (who is, guess what? A farmer). He is a simple man whose village is attacked by the Kurg and his son is killed and his wife is kidnapped. So he ventures forth to get her back.  Statham is aided and abetted by a cast that includes Burt Reynolds, Claire Forlani, Matthew Lillard, John Rhys-Davies, Ron Perlman, Ray Liotta, and LeeLee Sobieski (who I’ve always thought was pretty terrible and here is no exception). Most of them are over-acting their respective rears off, with Lillard and Liotta particularly terrible here.  Reynolds’ performance displays his full cognizance that, by being in this movie, he is indeed polishing a turd.  Most of the dialogue is clichés of the worst kind and dumb.  The plot is terribly, horribly contrived (for example, ropes breaking randomly at just the right moment for no reason at all). There are various poorly staged action set pieces, including one bit where tree people descend on vines looking like extras in Cirque de Soleil that is so goofy it’s laughable, mixed with dopey comedic bits.  Even in HD, the film looks cheap (which is odd, as the budget was $60 million).  Woodchuck sez, “Pootastic.”

Eye Candy #559 - "Season of the Witch"

Season of the Witch:  Thematically very similar to the recently released “Black Death” (middle ages, plague, witches), this film follows Behmen of Bleibruck (Nicholas Cage) is a Teutonic knight returning abruptly from the Crusades after becoming disillusioned with the cause.  He is accompanied by fellow knight Felson (Ron Perlman).   Arrested for desertion upon returning to Germany, Behmen volunteers to escort a young woman accused of being a witch to a distant monastery for trial.  He is joined by Felson and others, and head out into the German countryside for what should be a six day journey.  Along the way, the travelers are beset by strange phenomenon like possessed/controlled wolves and hallucinations, resulting in the deaths of several members of their party.  Upon arriving at the monastery they determine there is more to the witch’s possession than they previously thought.  Chaos ensues.  Christopher Lee has a small role as a plague-ridden cardinal.  .  Directed by Dominic Sena, this is more action-oriented than the “Black Death”, though the violence is cartoonish, and it suffers from the same aggravating lack of exposition (plague-specific devices are introduced and not explained for the public at large; sure, plague masks are visually cool, but they also have a purpose), not to mention a sluggish pace and some silly set pieces (like a wooden rope bridge over a deep chasm).  Cage is miscast and uninspiring as Behmen.  Perlman is better, but he can play this sort of role in his sleep by now and he‘s not given a whole lot to do.  The other actors are unmemorable.  I’ll just chalk this up as one of Nicholas Cage’s seemingly never-ending stream of underwhelming films he’s doing to pay off the IRS.  Woodchuck sez, “Nothing to write home about.”

Eye Candy #558 - "The Last Lovecraft - Relic of Cthulhu"

The Last Lovecraft - Relic of Cthulhu:  A horror comedy with tongue firmly planted in cheek, this film sends up the Cthulhu mythos of pulp writer H.P. Lovecraft, involving monsters from outer space, elder gods, and evil beasties from beneath the sea.  Lovecraft has been fodder for films for decades, from pictures like “Re-Animator”, “Dagon”, and “Dreams in the Witch-House” to fan-produced versions of “The Call of Cthulhu”.  The plot:  Jeff is a loser in a dead-end job who finds out he is the last descendent of  Mr. Lovecraft and it is up to Jeff to protect a relic that the minions of Cthulhu need to bring him back, as he is the only one that can resist their powers.  Jeff, his best friend Charlie, and former schoolmate Sheldon embark on a mission to save their fair town from a fate worse than death (that fate being “fish rape”; and quite frankly, anyone who has ever read Lovecraft knows that coupling with amphibious monsters from the deep is a prominent, recurring theme), all while riffing on stories like “At the Mountains of Madness” and “The Shadow Over Innsmouth”.  The first feature film from director Henry Saine, it’s low budget, but with better special effects (particularly make-up) than you would expect, with a little gore, some animated sequences to help flesh out the background that I think worked well, and acted by a cast of veritable unknowns.  Having read Lovecraft, I found the dialogue entertaining and the general premise funny (some of Lovecraft’s stories lend themselves easily to camp).   Only complaint - the ending was awful abrupt. Unpretentious fun, I enjoyed it. Woodchuck sez, “Check it out.”

Eye Candy #557 - "Captain America - The First Avenger" (2011)

Captain America - The First Avenger: The latest of Marvel Comics’ movie franchise launches (after Spider-man, X-Men, the Punisher, the Hulk, Iron Man, and now Thor), their third superhero film this summer, and their last film lead-in to next summer’s “Avengers” movie (for which this film has a big teaser at the end), this film introduces one of Marvel’s oldest heroes, Steve Rogers aka Captain America (played by Chris Evans), a skinny kid from Brooklyn that finds himself the recipient of super powers due to a government experiment to create super soldiers during World War 2, run by Professor Erskine (played by Stanley Tucci) and Colonel Philips (played by Tommy Lee Jones) .  He uses his powers to fight the Red Skull, his Nazi counterpart (played by Hugo Weaving), alongside his sidekick Bucky (Sebastian Stan) and the Howling Commandoes, while fumbling at  romance with agent Peggy Carter (Hayley Atwell).   This film is a little different than most of Marvel’s output because 1.) it’s played more seriously than say, “Thor”; and 2.) it’s all in flashback, so the exposition that is so often shoe-horned into a comic book movie IS the whole enchilada here, with the film focusing on Cap‘s creation and exploits during World War 2 up to his eventual disappearance in the Great White North.  This leads into his more contemporary “man out of time” exploits for any sequels and the “Avengers” film.  Sure, there are some changes from canon (the “demise” of Bucky and Cap is different), but it’s also faithful to more minutiae as well (such as the inclusion of the Commandoes, though their membership has been tweaked to include other Marvel WW2 characters such as John Falsworth and Jim Morita).  The acting is uniformly good, with Stanley Tucci the clear stand-out as Erskine - he adds great depth to a character that in the comic book is essentially just a plot device and owns every scene he‘s in.  Evans restrains his Glib Factor and does well in the lead role (the CGI “skinnying” effects aren’t believable all the time, but for the most part it was okay).  Weaving’s make-up as the Red Skull was very good (compared to previous versions), very Jack Kirbyesque with large block teeth.  Director Joe Johntson (“Jumanji”, “Hidalgo”) does a good job moving the plot along here, covering a lot of ground in just a hair over 2 hours.   Compared to the other 2 superhero movies I’ve seen this summer (Thor, GL), this was better than both.  I'm a Cap fan from way back and I left happy.  Woodchuck sez, “Check it out.”

Eye Candy #556 - "Captain America" (1990)

Captain America (1990):  So low-budget, it’s almost physically painful, with plot-holes you could drive a Sherman through, this was the first attempt at a Captain America major motion picture (there were two previous Cap TV movies starring Reb Brown and various cartoon appearances; I‘m not even going to mention the Turkish film “3 Dev Adam” where he teamed with masked Mexican wrestler Santo to fight an evil Spider-man).  And like many things that came out of the late 80’s-early 90’s, it’s shabbier and cheaper than it has any right to be, with lots of changes to Cap canon that are unnecessary and make no sense.  I’m loathe to use the words ’delightfully campy’ because there was nothing delightful about it.  Matt Salinger, son of JD (I’m pretty sure that’s the only reason he gets acting work) is Steve Rogers, a young man selected for Project Rebirth, an experiment to create a super-soldier.  It works and he becomes Captain America.  However, during a mission in World War 2, he fights his fascist counterpart, the Italian Red Skull (RS is GERMAN in the comic book; the reason for the change is completely inexplicable; he is played here by Scott Paulin), and is strapped to a rocket that crashes in the arctic, resulting in Cap being frozen in ice for 50 years.  Thawed out, he darn near immediately comes to the attention of the Red Skull who tries to have him killed (in some very dumb ways; for example, as Cap struggles through the woods of Canada back to civilization, the Red Skull sends his daughter and several dirt bikes so they can futilely chase Cap through the woods) .  We even get a whole doofy “man out of time” montage set to “Memories of You” by Southside Johnny and the Asbury Jukes, as Cap is bewildered by all manner of contemporary American society.   The Red Skull kidnaps the current president, President Kimball (Ronny Cox), an environmental do-gooder whose efforts hamper the Red Skull’s effort to take over the American military industrial complex.  Steve and his lady-friend Sharon, the daughter of Steve’s one true love from World War 2,  vow to get him back.  Ned Beatty, Darrin McGavin Bill Mumy, and Michael Nouri are all slumming here, as is Kim Gillingham as both Steve’s love interests Bernie and her daughter Sharon (and she’s pretty much awful as both).  At least director Albert Pyun is consistent, in the sense that he’s never directed anything that was any good. I’m fairly certain I’m dumber as a human being for having watched this.  Thankfully, it’s blessedly short.  Woodchuck sez, “Complete crapola.”

Eye Candy #555 - "Skyline"

Skyline:  This film has been much maligned (a friend even called me after watching it to tell me it was the worst film he‘d seen in his life; he obviously hasn‘t watched all the crap I have), though I can’t honestly tell why - I’ve certainly watched worse films in my time on this planet.  Directed by the Brothers Strause (they also directed “Aliens vs. Predator-Requiem”, which I enjoyed), “Skyline” has got to be the one-millionth film about aliens invading our world, starting in sunny southern California (specifically Marina Del Rey).  Jarrod (Eric Balfour, who is pretty awful in anything he’s in) and Elaine (Scottie Thompson) are a young couple that travel to southern California to visit his friend Terry (Donald Faison, who can’t pick movie scripts for crap) at his swank condo on the marina.  Shortly after their arrival, giant balls of blue energy begin to fall all over the greater Los Angeles metro area, entrancing those that view them.  And if you got stunned by the light, you disappear, taken up by the aliens.  And shortly after that, alien space ships begin to break cloud cover, harvesting humanity hither and thither, moving around like leftover production designs from the “Matrix“ films.  Jarrod, Elaine, and the rest of the human survivors in Terry’s building try to escape but find themselves trapped by the aliens, who are harvesting brains (you would think if aliens came all this way to harvest human brains, they would start some other place than the intellectually destitute expanse of southern California).  Humanity seems defenseless, even going so far as to nuke the alien mothership to no avail.  Eventually, their party of survivors is whittled down and Jarrod and Elaine find themselves at the mercy of the aliens, leading into one of the cheesiest endings in the history of film.  This film is all about special effects, and indeed, some of them are quite good.  They aren’t buttressed by an even mildly coherent script, unfortunately, which means it’s all an exercise in style over substance. Shot for cheap (about $10 million), with a miniscule cast C-D-F list actors, It’s not godawful, it’s just not really any good.  It’s watchable, you just keep rooting for the aliens.  Of the recent invasion pics, “Battle: Los Angeles” is better, but “Monsters” trumps both of those.  Woodchuck sez, “Not very good.”

Eye Candy #554 - "Cedar Rapids"

Cedar Rapids:  First let me say, this hits close to home because I’m certain beyond a shadow of a doubt…that I work with these people.  Ed Helms is Tim Lippe, a nebbish insurance salesman sent by his boss to his first insurance convention in Cedar Rapids after their top-sales guy dies by auto-erotic asphyxiation.  His company is in the running for a Two-Diamond Award, bestowed on the insurance agency that displays, amongst other things, moral fortitude, and it‘s up to Tim to bring the award home because he‘s all his boss (played by Stephen Root) has.   A naive neophyte, Lippe makes new friends, some of whom aren’t the best influences, including the boisterous Dean (John C. Reilly) and Joan (Anne Heche), who seduces him.  On top of that, his illusions about the convention, its award, and Tim himself come crashing down on him, as well.  Alia Shawkat, Kurtwood Smith, Sigourney Weaver, and Isiah Whitlock Jr. (doing a very funny riff on “The Wire”, which he starred in) are here in support.   I can attest that, indeed, wild stuff does happen at often becoming heavily intoxicated.  Maybe not as much crack smoking as happens in “Cedar Rapids”, but it’s definitely a ‘what happens in town/city X, stays in town/city X” vibe.  The cast has good chemistry together, there are a few laughs, though not as many as the trailer would have you believe.  And like director Miguel Arteta’s other films like “Youth in Revolt”, it’s got good bits, but it’s not a great picture.  Woodchuck sez, “Worth a look”.

Eye Candy #553 - "[REC] 2"

[REC] 2: A direct sequel to the first “[REC]” movie (about an apartment building in Spain overrun by an infection that acts like super rabies, but has ‘religious’ origins as a Vatican experiment involving demonic possession gone awry, shot from the perspective of a Spanish news crew; imagine a building overrun by rabid Linda Blairs trying to eat you), this film picks up minutes after the first one, with a small SWAT squad, along with a doctor from the Ministry of Health, entering the building which has been quarantined and sealed off from the general public.  Their primary goal is to find the source of the infection.  However, once inside, they find out what they are really up against.  In addition to dealing with the rabid victims of the infection that don‘t stay down when they take a shotgun load to the chest, they also have to contend with a group of teenagers amongst other civilians that snuck into the building and are now trapped as well.  Shot in the same POV style as the first, with the focus switching from camera to camera as the action progresses  (the police have helmet cams, the teenagers have a video camera, as well as a third camera they find from the original news crew), it’s less jerky than the original for the most part.  The film  is equal parts claustrophobic and frenetic.  It hits the ground running, and doesn’t stop for 85 minutes.  It does kind of feel like the “Aliens” of the series (of which there are four planned now), but that doesn't mean it's not a well-done film.  Woodchuck sez, “Check it out.”

Eye Candy #552 - "Horrible Bosses"

Horrible Bosses:  Really just a re-working of “9 to 5” minus Dolly Parton’s breasteses, with Jason Bateman, Jason Sudeikis, and Charles the male equivalents of Tomlin, Parton, and Fonda, as they cope with their respective bad bosses, played by Kevin Spacey as a corporate shark of the highest order, Colin Farrell as the cokehead jerk-son of the late owner, and Jennifer Aniston, the over-sexed dentist who keeps propositioning her dental assistant for sex.  They hatch a plot for each to kill the other’s boss, and hilarity ensues because quite frankly, all three of them are idiots.  Hilarity ensues.  Loud, silly, and profane (one of the characters is named Motherf**ker Jones; Aniston’s dirty talk is a wonder to be hold, and those aren’t the only off-color moment in the picture), this film is anchored by several GREAT performances, particularly Bateman, Aniston (acting nicely against type; I‘d let her sexually harass me any day), and Spacey.  But the rest of the cast is great as well, including Jamie Foxx in a small role.  I laughed a lot.  Director Seth Gordon also gave us the fantastic “The King of Kong” documentary from a few years back.  Woodchuck sez, “Check it out.”

Eye Candy #551 - "The Lincoln Lawyer"

The Lincoln Lawyer:  Based on the book of the same name by author Michael Connelly,  Matthew McConaughey is Mickey Haller, a criminal defense attorney whose clients range from drug-dealing biker gangs to prostitutes and accused murderers.  He’s a slick huckster who wheels, deals, and scams the system from the back of his Lincoln town car (he lost his license prior to the film and has to be chauffeured around, hence the title).  A bail bondsman acquaintance throws Haller a bone, dropping the case of a rich young man (Ryan Phillippe) accused of assaulting a prostitute into his lap.  Seeing dollar signs, Haller gets to work, but soon finds out he may be out of his depth, and that his affinity for taking cases from low-rent losers has compromised his own sense of innocence and justice, opening him up to manipulation by individuals who may in fact be truly evil.  Marisa Tomei, William H. Macy, and Josh Lucas are here in support, along with an older, pudgier MICHAEL PARE, who I’m pretty sure hasn’t had a theatrical release in over a decade.  McConaughey is great as Haller, a great role as a flawed, conflicted lawyer, and his supporting cast is excellent.  The screenplay is well put together, though it may have one climax too many.  It reminds me of the better Grisham legal thrillers like “The Firm“ (which is something we haven‘t seen in a while since Hollywood ran the Grisham train into the ground; here‘s hoping they don‘t do that to Connelly‘s oeuvre as well).  Only the second motion picture from director Brad Furman, this is a winner.  Woodchuck sez, “Check it out.”

Eye Candy #550 - "Rango"

Rango:   This is literally one of the best animated features I’ve seen in a long time. Reuniting with his original “Pirates” director Gore Verbinski, Johnny Depp is the voice of Rango, a chameleon who finds himself the unlikely savior of a dying western town.  The town of Dirt is running out of water and things are looking desperate.  Rango arrives and bluffs his way into prominence by lying about his exploits and is promptly made sheriff by the mayor.  But Rango is up against forces he doesn’t understand and he may have to become more than just the sum of his tall tales to survive.   Ned Beatty, Bill Nighy, Ray Winstone, Amy Adams, and Abigail Breslin, amongst others, co-star. Full of witty dialogue, chock full of entertaining references from cameos by Hunter S. Thompson, Dr. Gonzo, and Clint Eastwood to aping the vocal stylings of the late Pat Buttram and just about any western you can think of, with more than enough jokes for adults as well as children, I bet grown-ups would enjoy this more than kids.  Not to mention strong voice work and some bravura action set pieces that are extremely well put together,  this is an all-around entertaining film.  Feels longer than its 107 minutes, but it clips right along.  Woodchuck sez, “Check it out.”

Eye Candy #549 - "Insidious"

Insidious:  A young couple (Patrick Wilson and Rose Byrne) with three children moves into a new house.  Soon, their oldest son Dalton begins to see things that aren’t there and falls into a coma without explanation.  The rest of the family begin to see and encounter strange, violent goings-on, including people who appear and disappear, threatening the children. They move houses…but the strange phenomenon don’t stop.  It’s not the house that’s haunted…it’s Dalton, and other “beings” are using Dalton as a door into our world.  And it’s up to his father Josh to enter a nightmarish half-world to bring him back.   From the minds that gave us “Saws” One through Bajillion, James Wan (who directs) and Leigh Whannel (who has a role as one of the pararnormal researchers that helps the family), this genuinely spooky movie has many creepy images and well-staged bits of supernatural goodness all around.    Well done and suitably unnerving, I liked it.  Sure, the basic plot isn’t necessarily anything new - there have been haunted house movies for decades, in particular, those where parents save their children from danger (“Poltergeist“ is probably the closest comparison).   But like the best ones, it does so without gore, showing you just enough to let your mind fill in the holes.  And remember - nothing is scarier than little dead kids.  Woodchuck sez, “Check it out.”  

Eye Candy #548 - "Red Riding Hood"

Red Riding Hood:  This film firmly rides on the coattails of such other recent ‘tweener horror films like “Twilight”, that try and blend horror and romance between young photogenic lovers.  In the town of Daggerford, they are under siege by a werewolf, who appears every 13 years.  Because of the blood moon, the werewolf is capable of passing on his affliction to others with a bite.  Valerie (Amanda Seyfried) is the sister of its latest victim and an object of its desire.  After a failed attempt to kill the beast by the townspeople, a specialist, Father Solomon (Gary Oldman, slumming here, though he does manage to instill more gravitas in the script than it deserves), arrives to hunt the beast down.   All manner of CGI wolfness ensues.  Billy Burke, Virginia Madsen, and Julie Christie are here in support (and most are given very little to do), with all manner of Canadian actors in support, including Syfy regulars Michael Shanks and Paul Hogan.   Feeling like a mish-mash of better films, including “Sleepy Hollow” and “Brotherhood of the Wolf”, RRH never really takes off.  The dialogue is lousy, the plot over-complicated (how many red herrings does one film need?), and quite simply, boring.   Catherine Hardwicke, who also helmed the first “Twilight” movie, directed this film as well.  Woodchuck sez, “Skip it.”

Eye Candy #547 - "Super Fly" (1972)

Super Fly:  One of the better examples of the blaxploitation genre, about a New York drug dealer. Youngblood Priest (Ron O’Neal), looking for one last big score so he can leave the life behind.  He has to contend with own partner, dirty cops, two girlfriends, and various other shadowy neighborhood types to do it.  Stylish, with some inventive segments (one in particular showcases Super Fly’s growing drug empire through a montage of still shots run together, demonstrating the mechanics behind drug distribution as well as the users who avail themselves of it), and a great R&B score from Curtis Mayfield.  O’Neal is very strong in the lead, and the film clips right along for a brisk 93 minutes, thanks to first time director Gordon Parks Jr. (his father Gordon Sr. directed “Shaft”).  This film exceeded my expectations.  Woodchuck sez, “Worth a look.”

Eye Candy #546 - "Hobo with a Shotgun"

Hobo with a  Shotgun:  I sincerely wanted to like this movie based on its title and trailer alone.  In this homage to 70’s violent exploitation flicks that began its life as a fake trailer during the “Grindhouse“ films (like “Machete“), Rutger Hauer is a hobo who comes to a city (called “Scum Town”) that is overrun with crime (and by ‘overrun with crime‘, I mean the criminals rule, the cops are dirty, and all manner of bad stuff happens to your average citizen all the time).   He just wants to make enough money to open his own lawn-mowing business.  However, he is overwhelmed by the evil he is surrounded by and decides to go after various no-goodniks, of which there are many to choose from, becoming a vigilante wielding the aforementioned shotgun of the title.  This brings him to the attention of the head criminal boss, The Drake and his two psychotic sons.   The violence is so over-the-top, it‘s comical and silly, and it’s gory almost to a fault - it’s gory to the point of useless excess that doesn‘t serve the plot.  For example, a young woman gets part of her arm destroyed by a lawnmower and then uses the protruding bone to stab someone.  Heads explode, children on a school bus are attacked by a flamethrower.  It seems that the director, first timer Jason Eisener, didn’t realize that he could be visually outrageous but still have an interesting story to tell that supported those self-same visuals.  It's obvious mayhem won out.  Still, there are some nice artistic touches (a good use of color, too).  Woodchuck sez, "This should have been better."

Eye Candy #545 -"13 Assassins"

13 Assassins: Or “This is Not Your Father’s Seven Samurai”.  In the waning days of feudal Japan, a savage noble, Lord Naritsugu, acts with impunity, killing for pleasure, raping whomever he chooses, shoots kids with arrows, he‘s a real swell guy all around.  Shinzaemon, a veteran samurai, is hired by the family of one of his victims to assassinate Naritsugu.  Shinzaemon gathers together 11 other samurai and one peasant (who may be more than he appears) to attack and kill Naritsugu and his entourage while he is in transit in the countryside, turning a small country village into a death trap to ensnare the lord.  But the lord’s entourage, expected by the assassins to be around 70, turns out to be three times as many…but the assassins remain committed to killing all of them. So begins a long running swordfight as the assassins navigate the town and the lord’s soldiers, using swords, slings, arrows, explosives, and anything else they can get their hands on.  As expected, with it being a suicide mission, not all the assassins survive the endeavor.  While it is bloody (lots of slash, impaling, arrows to the chest, at least one visible sword to the throat), it’s not that gory (the CGI sprays of blood are modest at best).  Director Takashi Miike shows atypical restraint with the violence and does a great job with pacing and staging this film, including the bravura battle scene.  With the exception of some blatantly fake cgi cows in the battle scene (they are set on fire and sent stampeding through the lord’s soldiers and they look fake as all get out), I have no complaints about the film.  It’’s supposedly based on a real incident (the “Sakuradamon Incident”), but I find the parallels tenuous at best (in fact, if you exclude the fact that samurai assassinated someone, there are no parallels at all).  Woodchuck sez, “Check it out.”

Eye Candy #544 - "Sanctum"

Sanctum:  The old adage “swim in caves, die in caves” is alive and well in this film about cave divers trapped deep underground in Papua New Guinea.  Based loosely on the real experiences of screenwriter Andrew Wight (Wight has been trapped in caves, but without the benefit of the body count here), this film also seems to have characters based on real individuals.  For example, Richard Roxburgh plays team leader Frank McGuire, who positively reeks of Bill Stone, a real cave diver known for his audacity as well as his ruthlessness (read “Blind Descent” for more about Stone).  It’s up to McGuire and his estranged son Josh (played by Rhys Wakefield)  to lead the rest of the trapped cavers out before they run out of food, air, and light.  Ioan Gruffud is here as Carl, their American backer.  Technically it’s a well-made film and a good-looking picture.  The cave sets they were able to build and submerge look great.  The plot, however, is nothing to write home about and most of the characters are little more than broad sketches.  And that’s unfortunate because even a cursory exam of the cave diving scene reveals a whole community of colorful characters, just as in mountain climbing circles.   Most of the characters here serve merely as victims-in-waiting for drowning, falling, falling-drowning, and drowning-falling.  And the faux-mysticism of the title (means "sacred place") is dealt with only cursorily.   This is a middle-of-the-road time waster, neither good nor bad.  Woodchuck sez, “If you need to kill 108 minutes.”

Eye Candy #543 - "Spy Hard"

Spy Hard:  I’m writing this review, not because this film is actually worthy of any more of my time, but because I have seldom seen a film so bad.  Leslie Nielsen just didn’t know when not to spoof.  Sure, he gave us “Airplane” and “The Naked Gun”, but he also gave us “Spy Hard”, a woefully pootacular spy spoof.  Nielsen is Dick Steele (get it?), Agent WD-40 (get it?), who is called back into service to fight his old enemy General Rancor (get it?) played by Andy Griffith and save the life of the daugher of an old friend.  Charles Durning, Marcia Gay Harden, Barry Bostwick, and Nicolette Sheridan are all here in support (none of them apparently having read this “script” beforehand), with various obligatory, pointless celebrity cameos like Hulk Hogan, Joyce Brothers, Julie Brown, Mr. T, Ray Charles, Fabio, and Alex Trebek, amongst others (Pat Morita has the only funny bit as Brian, the gay waiter).  Jokes misfire left, right, and center.  In fact, I would argue that there isn’t one genuine laugh in the whole picture.   And the film hasn’t aged well as most of its references are about early 90’s movies like “Pulp Fiction” and “Sister Act“.  Also of note is the director Rick Friedberg who is, you guessed it, father of one of the current purveyors of schlock spoofs, Jason Friedberg (he of the various “_________ Movie” movies, none of which are any good).  Friedberg the Younger and his current partner in hooey, Aaron Seltzer, both contributed to “Spy Hard’s” screenplay, too.  So perhaps bad filmmaking is genetic after all.  Woodchuck sez, “Completely worthless.”

Eye Candy #542 - "Burnt Offerings"

Burnt Offerings:  A different riff on the old scary house sub-genre, this horror film from the 70’s is an okay little film.  Karen Black and Oliver Reed are a married couple looking to rent a house for the summer.  They come across a rundown house run by Roz Allardyce and her brother (played by Eileen Heckart and Burgess Meredith).  The house is a steal financially and comes with only one condition - the Allardyces’ mothers lives on the top floor and they aren’t to disturb her, though they are supposed to leave her a tray of food every day.  Almost immediately all manner of strange goings-on happen as the house begins to magically revitalize at the expense of the health, mental well-being, and lives of those living there.  Think of it as a house that eats people.  Fine for what it is, though explanations are completely absent (for example, a spooky man wearing sunglasses shows up repeatedly, but there is no explanation of who he is in the grander narrative scheme of things) and various little set pieces don’t really add up to a whole lot together.  Reed is about as believable as a father as Jack Nicholson in “The Shining”.  He’s easily the most intense screen father in the history of film.  Could have been better, but is actually very tame.  Woodchuck sez, “Was hoping for more.”