Eye Candy #442 - "Repo Men"

Repo Men:  Very derivative story here (it’s almost identical to the 2008 release “Repo! The Genetic Opera”), about a future world where you can buy new organs to replace your own, but if you fall behind on payments, repo men will come to collect your organs from you.  Jude Law is Remy, a repo man with a failing home life, a dead end job, and few prospects.  He and his best friend, Jake (Forest Whittaker), compete against one another to see who can reclaim the most organs, but after a failed reclamation attempt, Remy finds himself on the opposite end of the stick, stuck with a new organ that he can’t afford and the repo men are after him for non-payment.  Alice Braga and Liev Schreiber are here in support. At almost 2 hours long, this film tries to straddle the line between black comedy and action thriller, but really doesn’t commit well enough to either to do them well.  And the film feels interminable.   I was watching the clock at the hour-20 minute mark.  Also, none of the characters are sympathetic enough for you to care about them.  Remy does some horrible things to people before becoming a target himself, but the film does a lousy job convincing you to root for him as his actions are driven by self-interest for the entire film.  Also, the ending is a big cop-out, though if you pay attention to the dialogue earlier in the film, you can see it coming a mile away, which is unfortunate as it negates the last 20 minutes of the film, including some graphic surgery scenes that seem to do nothing more than drag out of the length of the film (hey, director - we get it, you’re cutting things out of people.  Fine.  You don’t need to show every incision).  So, disappointing flick.  You should go watch “Repo!” instead - at least it’s visually more interesting.  Woodchuck sez, “Meh.”

Eye Candy #441 - "Clash of the Titans" (2010)

Clash of the Titans (2010):  I remember watching the original version of this film back when I was a wee lad.  Even had the kraken toy (the playability of which was somewhat limited outside of ‘I need a giant evil monster right now!’).  This also means I know going in that if I want classic Greek mythology, I’m better off with Bulfinch than “CotT”.  That also being said, I know that the original wasn’t high water mark for great film either.  Same general tropes are here - Perseus, son of Zeus and a mortal woman, goes on a quest to save the city of Argos (Joppa in the original) from the revenge of the gods, specifically its destruction at the hands of the kraken monster and the sacrifice of a beautiful princess.   Along the way he encounters monsters, giant scorpions, medusa, harpies, gods, and other general unpleasantness.  There are several changes from the original script, including some brand new characters like the djinn, events taking place out of order, and the almost complete exclusion of the mechanical owl Bubo.  Also, all the Ray Harryhausen stop-motion goodness from the first film is replaced by oodles of CGI, which makes me think of “Lord of the Rings“ and not classical Greece.   Hollywood IT Boy Sam Worthington is Perseus, and he has a fairly solid supporting cast including Mads Mikkelsen, Gemma Arterton, Liam Neeson, Ralph Fiennes, and Liam Cunningham, amongst others.  Danny Huston also appears in a throwaway role as Poseidon, relegated to the back burner as Fiennes’ Hades is front and center.  Louis Leterrier, who gave us the 2nd good “Hulk” film and the 2nd awful “Transporter” film, directs, and it’s obvious he’s a fan of the original.  I won’t call this a resurrection of the swords-and-sandals genre, as it seems a little too polished, a little too clean compared to the cheese and low budgets of the movies that fit that description.  Still, it’s fine for what it is.  Woodchuck sez, “You may like this.”

Eye Candy #440 - "Easy Rider"

Easy Rider:  A dated road movie about two hippies (Dennis Hopper and Peter Fonda) that travel cross country from Los Angeles to New Orleans, the embodiment of freedom riding around on their motorcycles and encountering various situations and individuals along the way.   It’s like Cheech and Chong, but with a message.   A celebration of counter-culture of the 1960’s, including free love, drug use, the music, and general profligacy, while everything not counter-culture and anyone over 30 is portrayed as racist, violent, and/or homophobic.  So, a fairly one-sided world view.  They are heroes because they “think” they stand for something, beset by people who don’t understand them, yet they display just as much ignorance and hypocrisy about those they don’t understand.  Well-made, sure, and I can see how this was so popular in the 1960’s.  The problem is, 40 years on, the sentiment doesn’t hold up under close scrutiny.  A lot of this film is idealistic hype, about two free spirit stumblebums trying to find the “real America”, when they are actually two drug dealers funding their trip with their ill-gotten gains from a cocaine shipment they facilitated (so indeed, they are capitalists).   Still, worth a look as it did break the Hollywood mold during its time.  Woodchuck sez, “Check it out.”

Eye Candy #439 - "The Expendables"

The Expendables:  Let me first say that I enjoyed the film.  Let me follow that by saying, in terms of plot and dialogue, this film is absolutely bankrupt.  More a novelty film than anything, various old school action stars (Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis, Schwarzenegger, Dolph Lundgren) and a host of young turks (Jason Statham, Jet Li) bring to the screen the tale of a team of mercenaries who use all their murderous might to help topple a corrupt government on a tiny island in the Gulf of Mexico, Vilena, population 6000 and change, a la various action movies from the 1970‘s through the 1990‘s.  And you would think from the carnage displayed they killed a 1/3rd of the population in the course of their “liberation”, all because Barney (Stallone’s character) would rather fight for ‘something’ instead of just money.  There are a few effective vignettes, mostly involving the staggeringly graphic violence (people being blown in half, heads cut off with a knife swipe, that sort of thing), but the parts don’t add up to a successful whole.  Stallone, at 64, is almost painful to watch while running and unfortunately he does a lot of it.   There are logic holes you can drive a C-130 through, and much of the violence is gratuitous and for its own sake (the set-up for a large explosion at the end is literally a minutes long vignette of our stalwart heroes running around slapping explosives on things…which isn’t all that exciting).    And did the generale, the puppet ruler of Vilena, spend all his ill-gotten gains on candles, because his home has more candles than church.  I can’t tell if it’s an homage or a send-up of the genre.  Nearly mindless, but that doesn’t mean it’s not entertaining from time to time.  Woodchuck sez, “Might be your cup of tea.”

Eye Candy #438 - "The Other Guys"

The Other Guys:  I’m usually a sucker for Will Ferrell, but I know that for every gem (“Talladega Nights”), there is a misfire (“A Night at the Roxbury”).  And try as I might to have liked this film, this one is definitely a lesser effort.  This time around, we get his spin on buddy cop movies.  He and Mark Wahlberg are mismatched partners in the NYPD.  He’s a pencil-pusher that avoids danger and Marky-Mark is a disgraced cop with a temper looking for redemption. After the resident hero cops (played by Samuel L. Jackson and The Rock) die in the line of duty, it’s up to the…less spectacular cops to fill in the gaps and our stalwart heroes find themselves involved in financial malfeasance that reeks of Bernie Madoff involving a Wall Street power broker played by Steve Coogan.  Eva Mendes, Ray Stevenson, and Michael Keaton are here in support.   And while there are some funny bits (the lion-tuna exchange, for example), they don’t save the overall lethargic feeling of the whole picture.  Ferrell tries way too hard (too much improv misfiring here), Wahlberg is underdeveloped, and the film takes some weird deviations that make no sense (the whole bit about bribery or being a pimp, for examples).  Mendes and Keaton, however, steal every scene they are in (Keaton damn near steals the picture as their police captain who moonlights at Bed, Bath, and Beyond).  From the same director as “Talladega Nights”, but not nearly as good as “Talladega Nights”.  Lower your expectations.  Woodchuck sez, “It‘s a let-down”.

Eye Candy #437 - "Ishtar"

Ishtar:   Oh yes.  That’s right.  I gave “Ishtar 3 stars”.  Why?  Because it’s not nearly as bad we have been led to believe.  Sure, it’s a cautionary tale for movie studios about how not to produce a film (three egomaniacs ripping the thing apart and blowing up the budget)?  But unwatchable?  Not hardly.  If this movie had been released today straight to DVD, it would probably do very well.  Warren Beatty and Dustin Hoffman star as two idiotic jingle writers with minimal talent and a catalog of wildly mediocre-to-downright-bad original songs that land a singing gig in Morocco.  Then, in true bumbling fashion, they find themselves recruited by both the CIA as well as rebels in north Africa.   Sure, the film has its flaws: not all the jokes land, Hoffman‘s wardrobe is ATROCIOUS (who told him that headbands should be worn constantly); but once you realize that the musical numbers are intentionally bad and the singing intentionally crappy, it makes it a lot easier to take and enjoy.  Indeed, you may even laugh.  Beatty is great as the dimmer of the two singers, playing against type.  There are some funny set pieces, particularly when the singers are being shadowed by poorly disguised operatives from at least 4 different countries.  Woodchuck sez, “Not bad.  Really.”

From the Archives - "The Temple of Boom #1"

This was posted previously in various other places, but I'm posting these here now for continuity's sake

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As we approach my one year anniversary of taking on some honest-to-God responsibility in my life (i.e. keeping a creature that's something other than a plant alive for longer than six months), I thought it would be fun to reflect on some of my experiences with Boomer, my corgi, in the first year of his existence on this planet.

I read several dog books before I got Boomer, thinking that it may help prepare me for challenges and questions that may arise. But it turns out all that book reading was a waste of time (with the exception of one book, by the monks of New Skete monastery; I found their advice very practical and wouldn't have made it through my first night with Boomer; He was howling like a coyote in my bedroom and wouldn't lie down. I read the New Skete book, followed their advice, and out like a light he went). In fact, I'm positive the books specifically about Corgis read like travel books where the author just makes stuff up about the place they "traveled" to. For example, one particularly worthless book I read (by some snooty lady) said that Corgis need to be bathed 1-2 times A YEAR. To date, my dog has taken enough baths for 30-40 years and he's a year old. Why? Because he's about six inches off the ground at his highest, he can't HELP but get into stuff. Look at your own feet – they are closest to the ground and get dirty just by being in contact with it. A Corgi…is like a giant foot. With teeth and ears.

I'm not assisted by the fact that Boomer LOVES to roll in mysterious, neat-smelling substances, some of which I can safely identify as excrement and others I can't safely identify as anything (and I probably wouldn't want to know anyway). He's rolled in stuff that's made me gag. Or that the fact he attracts water like a shammy cloth. Even if I kept Boomer indoors all day every day, he would STILL get dirty (he's like a little boy – if he's awake, he's going to end up dirty. Why? Because he's a little boy). So I'm "atypically" bathing my dog, apparently.

Also, Corgis bark. Some of them bark a lot. Some have no inside voice. And that describes Boomer. He barks LOUD. Granted, this is mostly confined to the dog park. Typically he will get in the face of another dog or dogs and just bark-bark-bark-bark-bark, with a volume that greatly exceeds the necessary volume (when you are three inches from another dog, you don't need to bark at it like it's sitting across the Grand Canyon from you). Boomer doesn't understand this. I know he's not deaf because he can follow some rudimentary commands, when I say "Go to your box", he does his darnedest to not go to his box because he knows what "your box" means. I should get one of the anti-barking collars, but I haven't brought myself to do it. He rarely barks at home (as opposed to my neighbor dog who barks…whenever he's awake).

In addition to all that, Boomer sheds LIKE A FIEND. I vacuum my apartment weekly and when I'm done, you would think I had sucked up a ferret at some point in the cleaning. If there was a Locks for Love for dogs, we'd donate by the bushel BIWEEKLY. The worthless Corgi book told me that Corgis shed two times a year (I don't know if this coincides with the two baths or not).. I've determined those two times are "Right now" and "Shortly". Thank goodness Boomer doesn't mind being brushed. And thank goodness I'm not incapacitated by dog dander.

All that being said, screw the snooty corgi dog book lady. She never raised a Boomer.

More to come…

Eye Candy #436 - "Salt"

Salt:  A little action thriller that hearkens back to the good ol’ days (read as “The 1980’s”), where there was a Soviet sleeper agent in every suburb and behind every picket fence.  Angelina Jolie is Evelyn Salt who, during one eventful interrogation with a Russian defector, is exposed as a Russian double agent planted in the United States as a child as part of a Soviet initiative to undermine the United States.  She then goes on the lam to clear her name…or does she?  One big chase picture, with various government agents chasing Salt all over New York City, Washington DC, and other locales, with Jolie whooping a lot of butt and jumping from credulity-stretching action set piece to credulity-stretching action set piece (and changing her hairstyle all the while).   Sure, there is nothing new here (it reminded me of “No Way Out”), but it’s entertaining enough for what it is.  I like some of the work of director Philip Noyce (some of it‘s crap), and while this isn’t as good as “The Quiet American”, it’s certainly summer popcorn flick appropriate.  Woodchuck sez, “Fun time-waster.”