Eye Candy #435 - "Cobra"

Cobra:  Easily one of Sylvester Stallone's career low points, this tepid thriller manages to be both boring and stupid at the same time.  Stallone is Marion Cobretti, nicknamed "Cobra", who is a rule-breaking cop in the same vein as Dirty Harry.  He finds himself on witness protection detail after a young model (Brigitte Nielsen) is attacked by a group of violent cultists whose main function is apparently to murder helpless innocents and stand around their hideout, banging hammers together (seriously).   In fact, they have to be easily the world’s dumbest cult, as evidenced in the final shoot-out where they are literally leaping into Cobra’s field of fire.  They are led by perpetual film villain Brian Thompson, he of the prodigious chin.  Directed by George Cosmatos with all the flare of a car accident and slathered in a 80’s pop-heavy soundtrack, which of course includes the Miami Sound Machine, who had a song on every movie soundtrack in 1986, this film fails to generate suspense, credulity, or entertainment.  And for those that say, "what did you expect?" , you can go in knowing a film is bad and still be unpleasantly surprised that it's worse.  Woodchuck sez, "Skip it."

Eye Candy #434 - "Convoy"

Convoy:  I'm a Sam Peckinpah fan, and this has been a gaping hole in my viewing of his oeuvre, and what a big, sloppy wet kiss to teamsters it is. Born in the same era that gave us "Smokey and the Bandit" and "The Dukes of Hazzard", when all things Whiskey Tango were in vogue for reasons that completely escape me, "Convoy" is based on a novelty country song about truckers fighting cops (or "bears" in the parlance of the times). I'm sure Hollywood has had worse source material, but not by far. Peckinpah regular Kris Kristofferson is Rubber Duck, a trucker who runs afoul of the corrupt sheriff Lyle (Ernest Borgnine) and goes on the lam with some of his trucker buddies across New Mexico, becoming a folk hero along the way as his fellow truckers rally to his cause. Think Billy the Kid with 18 wheelers and without all the murder. Ali McGraw is here as his love interest, sporting what could politely be described as an afro. Dumb, dumb, dumb, with no value but kitsch, yes, this is a romantic ode to truckers, those who populate highway greasy spoons where everything on the menu is fried and the restrooms smell perpetually of urine. Peckinpah tries his best with what little he has to work with, but his slide to career dissolution continues unabated here. A novelty movie for a novelty song that plays like a time capsule so future generations can see that we survived the 1970's in spite of ourselves. Not as bad as The Osterman Weekend, but...still bad. Woodchuck sez, "Peckinpah completists only. Everyone else should skip it."

Eye Candy #433 - "Green Zone"

Green Zone:  Mis-marketed at the time of release (the ad guys would have you believe it was “Bourne Lite” from the same star and director of those films), “Green Zone” was “inspired” by the book “Imperial Life in the Emerald City”, an expose on the background workings of pre-/post-invasion Iraq justification, with the film lifting characters from real-life individuals involved. It is a thriller involving various American functionaries, within the military and without, in cahoots about faked WMD data used as the basis for the invasion of Iraq, entangled in a vast conspiracy that CWO Roy Miller (Matt Damon), as head of a WMD removal team, find himself strung along by in an effort to hide their malfeasance, personified most strongly by corrupt politician Poundstone (Greg Kinnear). So Miller takes it upon himself to gather the information to expose the truth, even if it puts him in harm’s way from both sides of the conflict. While I found the film middle-of-the-road in terms of quality (it’s watchable, but not great), I do worry that some people will take it as gospel truth even if events portrayed in the film don’t correlate to something real. Richard “Monty” Gonzales, the character upon which Roy Miller is based, has set this firmly as a work of fiction to be enjoyed as an action film rather than a polemic. This film also did lousy at the box office because Americans don’t want to go see movies that make the bulk of them on screen look callous, stupid, or criminal. And the “Green Zone” provides VERY few reputable Americans to rally behind – most are depicted relaxing poolside, enjoying parties, and leading indolent lives while outside the Green Zone, the gunfights rage. Woodchuck sez, “Fine for what it’s not.”

Eye Candy #432 - "Inception"

Inception:  I enjoy movies that get me thinking long after they are over.    "Inception" is such a film.   In the world of corporate espionage, there are operatives who can infiltrate your dreams and steal your secrets.  This is called 'extraction'.  But the converse also exists - the ability to place ideas into someone’s head to help steer their behavior.  This is the much riskier 'inception'.  Leonardo Dicaprio is Cobb, who leads a team of such thieves, all of whom have different skills like cons in a grift.  They are played by Ellen Page, Dileep Rao, Joseph Gordon-Leavitt, and Tom Hardy, who threatens to steal every scene he's in.  They take an 'inception' job targeting the son and heir (Cillian Murphy) of a dying energy magnate (Pete Postelthwaite) at the behest of the mysterious Saito (Ken Watanabe).   The heist involves establishing various levels of dreams within dreams within dreams, to con the mark into getting (or in this case, taking) what they want.  The problem is Cobb, who has been in this game longer than anyone, has become their worst liability.  Technically above par all the way around, from the score on up.  Nothing I can find fault with.  Acting is solid as can be.   And in a film all about timing, the pacing of the film is superb.  I mean, how many movies can have a car chase, a mountaintop gunfight, and a Matrix-y hotel hallway brawl all staged simultaneously?   Well, you get that here.  It's funny to say, but this is a brisk 2 hours and 22 minutes here, and doesn't really show signs of slowing down until the last 15-20 minutes (which could afford to be tightened up a bit).  It's a feast for the eyes, sure, but the action is balanced out by the emotional arc of Cobb's personal journey and the philosophical and intellectual implications of what they are doing as they navigate the various levels of dream strata.  Director Christopher Nolan, who is as close to a "sure thing" when it comes to his output, has crafted a film wholly different from his previous body of work, that is engrossing, stimulating, and even worth debating.  Woodchuck sez, "Check it out."

Eye Candy #431 - "Mystery Team"

Mystery Team:  I was up to my eyeballs in Encyclopedia Brown and the Hardy Boys in my formative years.  This comedy apes that genre, transporting those same kind of know-it-all boy detectives to the present day, like people lost in time.  The Mystery Team is 3 boy-men who refuse to grow-up: Jason, the master of disguise...whose disguises are dated and lame; Duncan, boy genius...who really just memorized a bunch of trivia; and Charlie, the “strongest kid in town”...who is skinny as a rake and dumber than box of rocks.  In their younger days, they were local heroes.  Except now they are all 18-year-olds carrying on like they are twelve, trying to sleuth out various injustices in the neighborhood while riding around on their bicycles, as society has sadly passed them by and gotten a whole lot more cynical.  They find themselves investigating a real crime - a double murder, and are soon way out of their very naïve depths.  I laughed out loud A LOT at this.  Frank and Joe Hardy are rolling over in their graves.  Or they would be, if they were real.  Woodchuck sez, "Check it out."

Eye Candy #430 - "The Book of Eli"

The Book of Eli:  Another grimy post-apocalyptic vision of America.  Thirty years after a war responsible for environmental catastrophe, Eli (Denzel Washington) makes his way across the United States, carrying with him the only extant copy of the King James Bible, driven by what he believes is the word of God.  Along the way, he has to fight marauders and bandits, eventually coming to a ramshackle town ruled by Carnegie (Gary Oldman), who is in search of a copy of the Bible as well, to use as a tool to increase his power base.  As Eli won’t willingly part with it, Carnegie tries various methods to “acquire” it, including trying to kill Eli and whoring out the daughter of his mistress, Solara (played by Mila Kunis, nicely against type).  Solara ends up bonding with Eli instead and helps him complete his quest to get to the west coast where he believes the book will be safe.  Ray Stevenson and Michael Gambon are here in almost worthless roles that give neither much to do.  This is only the fourth theatrical feature for Allen and Albert Hughes (of “Menace II Society” fame).  Some nicely staged action set pieces here, including a gunfight at a farmhouse where the camera swoops in and out of the house as the bullets whiz by and the fight scenes where Eli faces off against various bandits.  Still, not nearly as profound as it desires to be and as with many apocalyptic future stories, light on background exposition.  Still for a time waster, it works.  I’d give this 3 ½ stars out of 5.  Watch it on a double bill with "The Road" and get real depressed.  Woodchuck sez, “You may like this.”

Eye Candy #429 - "An American Haunting"

An American Haunting: The problem with a scary movie is that you have to make it scary at some point in the film. I thought this movie could not be as bad as I was led to believe by the various reviews available since the movie came out. Well, this time the reviews were right.  Supposedly based on a true incident, where the death of a person was blamed on the supernatural, we’ve got a ghost story about a poltergeist of some sort that tortures a young girl in an early American settlement. The ghost beats her up, almost rapes her, and is just generally unpleasant.  The problem is the film isn’t really scary (except for a little dead girl who shows up from time to time). We get over-use of the “camera monster” style filming (perfected by Sam Raimi in the “Evil Dead” films). And the explanation of the film is severely lacking (at just short of 90 minutes, it wraps up way too quickly to be any kind of satisfying).   Donald Sutherland and Sissy Spacek play the parents of the girl tortured by the ghost, but Sutherland has such a ridiculous Southern accent I can’t bear to hear him speak.  Spacek tries but isn’t given much to do except look frantic…all the time.  This film isn’t worth your time.  Woodchuck sez, “Skip it.”

Eye Candy #428 - "The Grudge 2"

The Grudge 2: Everyone's favorite evil Japanese curse lady who kills Americans is back! And this time she's getting out of the tatami room and coming to America! To say that hijinx ensue would be a gross understatement.  The director has gone out of his way to make the ghost even creepier than before, and we've got new and interesting ways for the evil ghost lady to show up and kill you (like through the hood of a sweatshirt, or a tray of developing fluid). This is one of those movies where you think the ghost is hidden in every shot (and who knows it may be), but I'm interested to see that if you ran the movie slo-mo if the ghost would show up more often, doing her little croaky sound. It's like "Where’s Waldo?"...except Waldo gets to kill you.  And she even comes to America to destroy the lives of more Americans where they‘re from!   The cast is B-list or lesser. We've got Sarah Michelle Gellar back briefly. Ambur Tamblyn is Gellar's sister, sent to Japan to find her sister. The only other person I recognized was Jennifer Beals as a housewife who falls under the sway of the evil Japanese lady when she comes to Chicago.  This movie was plenty disturbing, but the most uncomfortable scene involved vomiting a jug of milk (it went on just a little too long so as to get me completely nauseous).  Not as good as the original, but still wigged me out.  Woodchuck sez, "Check it out."

Eye Candy #427 - "The Black Dahlia"

Black Dahlia: Based on the real events surrounding the death of aspiring actress Elizabeth Short in Los Angeles in the 50's (her bisected corpse was found in an abandoned lot and no killer was ever caught for the crime). James Ellroy, who also gave us the book upon which the fantastic "LA Confidential" was based, has imagined a scenario to explain what happened to Ms. Smart (portrayed in the film by Mia Kirschner).  The movie starts with the discovery of Ms. Smart's body. Detectives Lee Blanchard (Aaron Eckhart) and Bucky Bleichert (Josh Hartnett), LAPD's golden boys "Mr. Fire and Mr. Ice", are assigned to the case to determine who did what to Ms. Smart. They are about as close as partners can be, even loving the same woman. It leads the two on a trail of seediness through the underbelly of LA, including stag films and lesbian bars. And with the way Ellroy's books are, not everyone is who they say they are and not everyone makes it to the final scene alive.  Directed by Brian De Palma, this is almost the most plodding "thriller" I’ve ever seen.  Clocking in at just over 2 hours, this film lacks all the energy of "LA Confidential". And the reveal seems so bizarre and macabre (and also incomplete and underwhelming) that once it arrives, you wonder why the hell you hung around for it in the first place.  Casting is part of the problem - Eckhart is the better actor, Eckhart got the smaller part. Hartnett is fairly wooden and Hilary Swank is very over-the-top.  Kirschner is best as an appealing young person swept up in something she couldn't possibly understand. But that doesn't salvage the whole movie. The film gets overwhelmed by its noir.  Woodchuck sez, "Skip it."

Eye Candy #426 - "Smokin' Aces 2 - Assassin's Ball"

Smokin’ Ace 2 - Assassin’s Ball:  I was never taken with the original film, even though I am a fan of director Joe Carnahan.  I thought it was an incoherent mess.  “Smokin’ Ace 2” is more of the same, multiplied by a factor of 10, where the director has slathered over the holes in his wafer-thin derivative plot with cartoonish violence (not to mention the title makes NO SENSE now as “Aces” Israel from the first film is nowhere to be had) in an effort to make an “art movie“ (his words from one of the documentaries on the disc, not mine).   This is a prequel to the first film, involving some of the same assassins (since they were wiped out in the first one, a sequel isn’t really in the cards), including additional members of the bullet-catching Tremor family.  A government paper-pusher (Tom Berenger) is targeted for extermination so the FBI has to keep him alive while a collection of exotic assassins descend on an FBI safe house located in a bunker under a jazz bar.  Squib mayhem abounds, as the “The Usual Suspects”-ish plot ensues.  Violent for its own sake, gory (why shoot someone once when you can shoot them six times or in the face?), with low-quality special effects (not unexpected for a direct-to-video release), and just all-around dumb.    The only good thing is getting to watch the incredibly hawt Martha Higareda as one of the assassins.  Otherwise, this is almost completely worthless. Director P.J. Pesce’s non-career directing worthless sequels (he did give us “Sniper 3”, “From Dusk Til Dawn 3”, and that worthless “Lost Boys” sequel) continues apace.  Woodchuck sez, “Skip it.”

Eye Candy #425 - "OSS 117 - Cairo, Nest of Spies"

OSS 117 - Cairo, Nest of Spies:  A very broad French spoof of Bond-type spy movies, involving the titular agent OSS 117, Hubert Bonisseur de la Bath (played by Jean Dujardin), who in addition to be sexist and wildly politically incorrect, is dumber than a post.  He is sent to Cairo, which is a nest of spies, to investigate the death of fellow agent Jack Jefferson with whom he has a history (shown in flashback, it’s more than little homoerotic).  Immediately he is a fish out of water and knee deep in international intrigue, involving the Soviets, Nazis, and Muslim extremists, in addition to pissing off everyone around him, including punching a muezzin that was calling people to prayer because he interrupted his sleep.  Dujardin brings the appropriate levels of slick and silly to Hubert.  And the film works hard to get you to laugh, throwing in a high number of jokes, most of which don’t hit, but they don’t give up trying and some do hit the mark and it gets better as it goes along.  There is also a sequel.  I enjoyed it for what it was.  Woodchuck sez, “Might be up your alley.”

Eye Candy #424 - "Predators"

Predators:  8 strangers, a combination of criminals and soldiers including an IDF sniper, a Mexican cartel thug, a death row inmate, and a member of Spetznaz, find themselves stranded in a jungle with no recollection of how they got there.  Before long, they realize are on the receiving end of that familiar little 3-dot laser cannon and other assorted beasties.  The humans are soon on the run for their lives against a group of Predators that use the planet as a game preserve, kidnapping humans to hunt there.  The humans follow alpha male Adrien Brody in a (failing) effort to stay alive and leave the planet.  Produced by Robert Rodriguez, this is definitely more of a straight sequel to the original (which was a GREAT flick) and an improvement over “Predator 2” (which always seemed to me to be very much a loud trashy 90’s action flick; not that I didn’t enjoy it, but definitely a step down from the original).  While it’s not a team of folks with the panache of Dutch and company (nor do they have as many good one-liners), they do a passable job building them up as worthy “game” before the inevitable bloodletting and some of the violence is cleverly staged in ways we haven‘t seen in any of the 4 “Predator“ movies to date.  Lawrence Fishburne also has a nice small role against type, as a human survivor who has long since bought a ticket on the Crazy Train.  It feels longer than its 106 minutes and could use some tightening up.  Director Nimrod Antal definitely likes his monster action movies, as there are vague “Aliens” overtones throughout (some shared lines and visual similarities).  Good stuff here.  I’d give it 3½-4 stars out of 5.  Woodchuck sez, “Check it out.”

Eye Candy #423 - "Blazing Saddles"

Blazing Saddles:  Not only the Best of Mel Brooks' movies, but also one of the greatest comedies of all time and it is INFINITELY quotable. There are so many good laughs, if you don't anything funny in this movie, you're probably dead. Or lobotomized. Or in a medically-induced coma. The cast is top-notch - Cleavon Little as Sheriff Bart, Gene Wilder as the Waco Kid, Harvey Korman as Hedley Lamarr (quite simply the greatest screen villain other than Darth Vader), Madeline Kahn, Slim Pickens...there isn't a weak link in the bunch. Perfectly cast, perfectly paced, with enough toilet humor to balance out the sex jokes and both of those to counteract the playful stab at racism, "Blazing Saddles" is a better Western than most Westerns. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't hear a quote from this movie. It's the perfect spoof movie and makes all others pale by comparison.  Woodchuck sez, "Check it out."

Eye Candy #422 - "Jackass 2"

Jackass 2: “Jackass” is one of those guilty pleasures in life, because frankly there is nothing funnier on the planet than a guy getting hit in the nuts in new and unexpected ways. I thought for sure that Johnny Knoxville had abandoned his “Jackass” roots to be taken seriously (as seriously as someone who made a name for himself getting fruit thrown at him by jai alai players) as an actor.  The usual gang of idiots is back, including Bam Margera, Ryan Dunn, Wee Man, Chris Pontius, and Steve-O, et al. And this time around, we get such memorable skits as “Fart Helmet”, “Human Fishing Lure”, “Fire Hose Rodeo”, as well as various items strapped to rocket boosters, impromptu bullfighting, and at least one member of the cast drinking horse semen. There some laugh-out loud funny moments (for some reason, most of them involving Wee Man; maybe I just enjoy midgets getting the hell kicked out of them). I can’t begin to describe in detail some of the stuff that happens, but it is a mightily entertaining waste of 90 minutes. But if you don't like poop, puke, or gratuitous male nudity (of not particularly attractive men) then you may...want to watch anything else.  Woodchuck sez, “Check it out.”

Eye Candy #420 - "Snakes on a Plane"

Snakes on a Plane: Sure, the title is cute. The problem is they billed this movie as some kind of action comedy and it’s about as mean-spirited as it comes with a high body count.  So it’s a horror comedy without a punch line.  I know why Samuel L. Jackson’s in it. He read the title and decided to be a part of the picture. I have no idea why Juliana Marguiles is in this movie, but she should kick her agent in the junk.  In addition to being devoid of laughs, the script, about snakes released on an airplane to kill a witness in the least efficient manner,  is BAD. I know, I know, that’s how it sold itself.  Samuel L. Jackson’s first line, “Do what I say if you want to live” is regurgitated every time someone can’t write a good introductory line to an action picture.  Woodchuck sez, “Skip it.”

Eye Candy #421 - "Scary Movie 4"

Scary Movie 4: I enjoyed the first “Scary Movie”. I found “Scary Movie 2” to be one of the worst, unfunny comedies in the history of film. I watched “Scary Movie 3” (the first non-Wayans-helmed one) and found some funny parts in the film. So I had hopes that “Scary Movie 4” would be more like 1 & 3. Instead it was more like two.  A mish-mash of film swipes, including “War of the Worlds” (predominantly), “The Grudge”, “Brokeback Mountain”, “Million Dollar Baby”, “Saw”, and “The Village”, amongst others.   Anna Faris, the star of the previous movies, is back as Cindy. She gets a job taking care of an old woman…in a house haunted by the ghost of a dead Japanese boy. She stumbles into the life of Tom Ryan (Craig Bierko, who looks like he’s setting himself up for the role of sitcom dad some day), the Tom Cruise-like hero whose trying to save his family from alien invaders. We’ve also got Charlie Sheen, Bill Pullman (god knows what he’s doing in this film), Leslie Nielsen as the President (I’d vote for Leslie Nielsen…except he’s a Canadian), Carmen Electra, Shaquille O’Neal, Dr. Phil, Michael Madsen, Cloris Leachman, Kevin Hart, and Anthony Anderson. They try hard but the plot is almost too dumb to comprehend.  Woodchuck sez, “Skip it.”

Eye Candy #419 - "American Pie The Naked Mile"

American Pie The Naked Mile: I guess the producers of this series are shooting for National Lampoon-like qualities (not that National Lampoon hasn’t produced quite a few complete crap movies over the years), solely off the power of the name Stiffler.  Which is unfortunate, because without the huge amount of gratuitous nudity (and at least a handful of people who actually look good naked; for some reason the bulk of the actors are Canadian), this film would be utterly, completely worthless.  Woodchuck sez, “Boobs...and that’s it.”

Eye Candy #418 - "Hard Candy"

Hard Candy: Actress Ellen Page (who was only 15 or so when she filmed this) is Hayley Stark, a young girl who meets photographer Jeff Kohlver (Patrick Wilson), who takes pictures of young girls in various states of undress for his portfolio. She meets him online, they meet for coffee, and then she offers to go back to his house to be his latest photographic subject. However, once there, Hayley is revealed to be not nearly the innocent, naïve girl she has pretended to be up to this point.  What follows is over an hour and a half of guy’s worst nightmares – drugging, torture, castration, much of which is incredibly uncomfortable to watch. The pacing is also such that you root alternately for the two different people at different times.  This film was good, a suspenseful drama that is essentially 2 people in one house, though I will admit it is not for all tastes.  Woodchuck sez, “Check it out.”

Eye Candy #417 - "The Glimmer Man" (SEAGAL! #8)

The Glimmer Man:  Stereotypical 1990’s action/buddy cop silliness starring Steven Seagal (back when he was skinny) and Keenan Ivory Wayans (who has never seriously pulled off action star) are partners on the trail of a serial killer called “The Family Man” who *surprise-surprise* breaks into homes, kills families, and displays the bodies in Christian symbolism.  The gimmick here is that Seagal’s character is a former government operative nicknamed “The Glimmer Man” who is a non-violent Buddhist steeped in eastern mysticism (which is nothing like what the term ‘glimmer man‘ used to mean).  Apparently “eastern mysticism” means he spouts cliché after bad cliché in an effort to sound philosophical.  And for being non-violent, he is almost like the Tazmanian Devil when it comes to destruction. Wayans is there purely for sidekick/comedic relief.  Things go bad for “The Glimmer Man” when the serial killer kills targets his ex-wife.  So then Seagal has to take on the mob and various shady government operatives in his pursuit of vengeance.  Flat and unremarkable, with characters that aren’t terribly likable or compelling, it’s as shallow as the kiddie end of the pool.  One of the last Seagal movies to ever receive a theatrical release and it’s no wonder why.  Woodchuck sez, “Skip it.”

Eye Candy #416 - "Girl with a Dragon Tattoo"

Girl with the Dragon Tattoo:  I’m a fan of the book on which the film is based, so that may color my judgment a bit.  Disgraced reporter Michael Blomkvist takes a job investigating the 40-year old disappearance of a young woman who is presumed murdered.  The case is complicated by the fact that the family involved provides many suspects as well as by a young anti-social hacker, Lisbeth Salander, who takes a personal interest in his case and helps him determine who the killer really is and what happened to the victim.  It's part “locked room” mystery (the girl disappeared from an island) and part serial killer chase, with the business skulduggery subplot from the novel relegated to almost nothing, an afterthought tagged on before the credits.  The original Swedish title of the book is “Men Who Hate Women” and the film certainly follows that general theme - violence visited upon women, sexually and physically.  The violence throughout is graphic, including rape, torture, murder, immolation, and forced incest, so not for the faint of heart here.  The good news is it’s a well constructed, well-paced film that, at 2-and-a-half hours long, just flies by.  Also, in an age of where serial killer plots have been done to death, this feels fresh somehow.  The film jettisons several of the smaller characters (the staff of "Millenium", the magazine Michael writes for, for example) as well as the real reason that Lisbeth and Michael are separated at the end of the book (don‘t know why on this one as that sets up the 2nd book).  Both leads, Michael Nyquist and Noomi Rapace, are solid, though Rapace may be a tad old for Lisbeth (in my mind, Salander is early 20’s; Rapace is 30 and looks it).  If you like this one, there are two sequels.   Woodchuck sez, “Me likey.”

Eye Candy #415 - "The Wolfman" (2010)

The Wolfman:  This is a remake of the 1941 original of the same name, this time around with Benicio Del Toro in the lead, with Anthony Hopkins, Hugo Weaving and Emily Blunt in support.  Lawrence Talbot (Del Toro) is a stage actor that returns to his family’s estate in Blackmoor.  Seems that something is roaming the woods of Blackmoor at night, eviscerating the locals, including Lawrence‘s brother Ben.  As Lawrence looks into the circumstances surrounding his brother’s death, he soon finds out that it’s a werewolf stalking the countryside and he becomes one of its victims.  The film attempts to be visually very faithful to the original, complete with make-up based on what Lon Chaney Jr. wore, but there are several deviations in the plot that provides for a much different climax.  Special effects by Rick Baker here, who also did “An American Werewolf in London” lo, these many moons ago, are simplified (for Baker), as well as CGI-ed, which tends to give the transformation a visually fake quality.  Del Toro is a very distant Talbot, barely sympathetic (not to mention the “Hamlet” performance shown at the beginning of the film is ATROCIOUS).  Weaving has the best lines.  It’s gory to no real great effect and overlong (just shy of 2 hours).  The film gets better as it goes along, but it’s no great shakes.  Woodchuck sez, “Pretty plain.”

Eye Candy #414 - "The Spy Next Door"

The Spy Next Door:  The “kid-ding down” of Jackie Chan, as this film is firmly for children.  Chan is Bob Ho, a Chinese secret agent on loan to the CIA, with a double identity as a mild-mannered pen importer living in the ‘burbs.  Retiring from the service, he wants to settle down with his girlfriend Gillian, but first he has to win over her three children.  Hijinks ensue.   A very, very tame action comedy, with minimal comedy and three of the most abrasive screen children you will ever meet.  Played for laughs (even when no real laughs were warranted), with goofy Russian villains who spend more time bumbling about than they do representing any real threat to those involved.   Chan tries hard, but the “Mr. Mom” schtick he’s subjected to is dull and staged with all the vitality of a octogenarian.  Thank goodness we’ve got George Lopez and Billy Ray Cyrus here in support, except neither is really given anything to do.  Who casts an incredibly funny comedian like Lopez and then doesn’t give him ONE GOOD LINE in the entire script? Director Brian Levant can add another snorer to his long list of directorial underachievement (this is the man who gave us “Problem Child 2“).  Worse than any other Chan movie I've seen.  Woodchuck sez, “Disappointing.”