Eye Candy #403 - "Robin Hood" (2010)

Robin Hood: Set as a prequel to the standard Robin Hood fare most of us are familiar with, this one plays like a cross between "The Taming of the Shrew" and "The Prisoner of Zenda". The action takes place prior to Robin being branded an outlaw by King John and moving with his merry men into Sherwood Forest. Robin Longstride (Russell Crowe) is an archer in the service of Richard the Lionhearted (Danny Huston), who finds himself taking on the identity of Sir Robert Loxley, as Richard's return from the Crusades falls apart. He vows to take the sword of the dying knight back to his home in Nottingham. Soon Richard's brother John (Oscar Isaac, who is played almost for laughs) is crowned king, and the evil Godfrey (Mark Strong in the Guy of Gisbourne type role) manipulates him to allow the French to invade England. Meanwhile, Robin finds himself playing the part of Robert Loxley, helping revitalize the Nottingham community at the request of Walter Loxley (Max Von Sydow), Robert's elderly father, as well as play-acting husband to Robert's widow Lady Marian (Cate Blanchett), who comes to fall in love with him. Lots of arrow-shooting abounds. The usual gang of supporting characters is here (Will Scarlet, Allan a'Dayle, Little John, and Friar Tuck). This film is all over the place – one moment it wants to be this polemic about freedom and liberty, the other it's all about goofy drinking songs, but it lacks the gravitas do the former and real humor to do the latter. The initial battle scene is tight and well-shot, and the final battle scene is about as sloppy an edit as you can get. Oh, we get derring-do, but with a side plot about the Magna Carta shoe-horned in for good measure. It is interesting to note that all 3 of Robin's main companions are played by either Americans or Canadians (which is interesting in the fact that it in most current Hollywood films, it NEVER HAPPENS). I'm tempted to call this "Robin Hood - Prince of Spittle" as many times as actors, mid proclamation, have a wad of spittle fly out of their mouths. Directed by Ridley Scott, who is about as reliable a director as you can get in Hollywood these days, we get a competent film, just not a terribly compelling one, nor do I think this is an improvement over previous versions that featured either stronger overall production values (the Errol Flynn version) or stronger characters/dialogue (the Kevin Costner version). Heck, I even liked the Disney version more. A bright note – the chemistry between Marian and Robin is very good, but I didn't go see the movie for it to be a rom-com. Big flashy summer fare that won’t stick with you. Woodchuck sez, "Middle of the road."

Eye Candy #402 - "The Road"

The Road:   Based on Cormac McCarthy’s Pulitzer Prize-winning novel, “The Road” seems determined to give us the grimiest view of post-apocalyptic America yet.  A man (Viggo Mortensen) and his son (Kodi Smit-McPhee) are making their way across the shattered American landscape after an unidentified event has killed off all animals and most of the plant life and mankind, and clouded the sky with ash.  Their destination is the sea, heading south with the hope that their situation and the climate would improve, but along the way they have to dodge other survivors, many of whom have turned to cannibalism to survive, roving the countryside in gangs.  Charlize Theron co-stars in flashback as the man’s deceased wife, with Robert Duvall and Guy Pearce in small supporting roles.  The movie is grim to the point of despair - until the waning few seconds before the credits, there is literally no hope.  We only get the dying embers of what could be called “humanity“, with a complete breakdown in law and order, so the film is a showcase of “okay, how can we make things worse?”  Viggo and McPhee are very good together, though the character of the man can be a bit too much to bear at times - he gets naked at the drop of a hat, and has an insatiable curiosity to open things (hatches, trap doors) that shouldn’t necessarily be opened so willy-nilly.  The film is violent and graphic, particularly when it comes to dealing with any of the cannibals.  But for all that, it’s very watchable and well-made.  But if you are looking for a feel-good movie on a Friday night, this is not that movie.  Woodchuck sez, “Check it out.”

Eye Candy #401 - "Golgo 13 - The Professional"

Golgo 13-The Professional:  Treading that fine line between softcore pornography and 80’s action schmaltz, this is the first of two animated films based on Duke Togo, the assassin codenamed Golgo 13 who is renowned for killing people with impossible shots made with his custom M-16.  He’s the kind of guy that will listen to his fixer talk about his next assignment all while banging some hot chick in the sauna.   Oh yeah, he’s a man’s man.  I have a fondness for Golgo 13, having once had an old Nintendo game based on the character that I remember being unbelievably hard for my 13 year old self.  I also remember he beds some chicks in it, too, so bully for him.    In the film, he assassinates the son of a powerful industrialist who then proceeds to make Duke’s life all manner of unpleasantness in his quest for revenge.  The animation, for the early 1980’s, is great.  Copious amounts of female nudity and granted it’s just a cartoon, but those are still breastesses.   And apparently every woman in Golgo’s world is at least a C-cup.  We also get profanity, rape, graphic violence, decapitation by grenade, as well as some of the earliest use of CGI in an animated film (granted it looks to be just slightly better than Dire Straits‘ “Money For Nothing“ video, but it‘s a start).  Fun for fans of the genre, but not for kids.  Woodchuck sez, “Ah, nostalgia…”

Eye Candy #400 - "Justice League - Crisis on Two Earths"

Justice League-Crisis on Two Earths:  This animated stand-alone film is based on the graphic novel “Earth 2” and other classic Justice League stories from DC Comics.  The Earth-2 of the title is a place reversed from our own earth - good is evil, right is wrong.  The Justice League is mirrored the evil Crime Syndicate, a group of super-powered criminals who rule the world.  Lex Luthor, instead of being a diabolical villain, is Earth-2’s greatest superhero.  He flees his world to Earth-1 to recruit the help to save his planet from the Crime Syndicate before they unleash a weapon that could destroy the multiverse.  Much more straightforward than the graphic novel (the “physics” of the graphic novel about what can or can’t happen on each world are completely gone, which is unfortunate as that was one of the neater things about the story), the animation here is smooth.  The voice talent includes name actors like James Woods (Owlman),  Mark Harmon (Superman), Chris Noth (Luthor), William Baldwin, and Gina Torres, though I wish Kevin Conroy was here as Batman.  A pleasant enough time-waster though I think the casual viewer wouldn't enjoy it as much as someone with a higher than normal interest in comic books (they may miss all the minor characters).  Woodchuck sez, "Worth a look."

Eye Candy #399 - "Daybreakers"

Daybreakers:  A slight sci-fiy/horror movie about a near future world where the bulk of humanity has been turned into vampires by a virus.  They harvest blood from the remaining population (some 5%), but the supply of blood is running out, leading to nasty consequences for vampires as apparently drinking your own blood is a big no-no.  Edward Dalton (Ethan Hawke) is a vampire scientist tasked with finding a blood substitute by his boss, Charles Bromley (Sam Neill), before the bulk of the vampire population mutates into what they call “subsiders” (vampires that drink their own blood and turn animalistic).  Along the way, Edward meets a group of surviving humans that have a found a cure for vampirism, which puts him at odds with Bromley who really isn’t all that interested in curing vampires as much as making them immortal consumers of his products.  Willem Dafoe co-stars as a human that successfully changed back from vampirism.  While most vampire pop culture (and holee crap if there isn’t a lot of it) attempts to paint vampires as sexy and erotic, this time around we get the unsexy version - vampires as cube rats, subway commuters, normal joes who just want a little more blood in their coffee in the morning.  Light on exposition (you get no explanation how the original virus worked or how specifically the cure works other than it hurts A LOT).   Nothing noteworthy here, and it relies too heavily on cliché (how is a souped-up muscle car into the Australian sunset NOT a “Mad Max” reference?).  Looks and feels “Matrix-y” (everything has a vaguely green, vaguely fluorescent tinge).    I can see somewhat why this sat on the shelf for years before being released. Woodchuck sez, “Nothing new to see here.”

Eye Candy #398 - "Legion"

Legion:  This movie is maligned probably more than it deserves.  It had a great preview - creepy old lady turns into a creepy monster and tries to kill people in a diner.  That’s a pretty good hook.  And I’ve certainly witnessed worse films that made more money.  It’s an intriguing premise - God grows tired of mankind and sends his angels to scourge the earth.  Archangel Michael (Paul Bettany) falls from grace to save a young unwed mother and her unborn child who child is the savior of mankind because he still has faith in mankind.  Unfortunately it degenerates from there into fairly pedestrian territory, as the mother of the child is a waitress at a remote gas station a la Stuckeys.  She and the other people who happen to be there (Dennis Quaid, Charles Dutton, Lucas Black, Tyrese Gibson, and Kate Walsh, so the talent pool here is fairly deep for a movie of this kind) fight back against the angel monsters, so it degenerates into a “siege” picture.  Like “Maximum Overdrive”.  Like “Feast”.  Like the “Alien” movies.  Like “Zulu”.  Like "Home Alone".  Like dozens of other films. So then it becomes how you stage the siege that determines how successful the film is.  And unfortunately there is nothing here unique or special to separate it from the herd.   They introduce some disturbing villains…and then immediately kill them.  And there isn’t a whole lot of ‘splaining going on either about the “rules” of this world - apparently you can kill angelic creatures with bullets.  That’s awful shortsighted of God.  I even thought that Kevin Durand as the villain Gabriel would be a huge disappointment, but I was wrong, as he did alright as the conflicted Gabriel.  I didn’t dislike the movie, but it’s definitely middle of the pack.  Woodchuck sez, “You may like it, you may not.”

Eye Candy #397 - "Doomwatch"

Doomwatch:  Based on the BBC show of the same, this feature film is a continuation of their adventures to save the world from pollution and ecological disasters.  Doomwatch is the name or the organization, with DOOM easily being the worst department acronym ever (it stands for Department for the Observation and Measurement of Scientific Work, instead of, y‘know, DOOM!!!).  Ian Bannen is Dr. Del Shaw, sent to the small island off the British coast to check on the effects of an oil spill.  He instead finds an insular community with a darker secret to hide, as they have been exposed to other chemicals causing rampant acromegly and deformities in the population.  Part eco-thriller and part science procedural, the plot involves around finding the cause of the deformities and saving the populace (whether they want to be saved or not).  Not a horror movie as some describe it, it feels like a glorified TV movie and hasn’t aged well (the general cavalier attitude about the disposal of nuclear waste being one tip-off to its datedness).  And it is yet more proof, along with the “Wicker Man”, that you should never go to an island off the British coast - there are freaky people out there.  Woodchuck sez, “Middle of the road.”

Eye Candy #396 - "Triangle"

Triangle:  Not a straight horror movie, and with sci-fi undertones, “Triangle” isn’t a “check your brain at the door” thriller, due its fairly intricate structure based loosely on the myth of Sisyphus.  Jess (Emma George) is the single mother of an autistic child.  Overwhelmed by taking care of her special needs child, she joins some friends on their boat for a day of sailing.  However, they are caught in a very strange storm that overturns the sailboat and forces them to seek shelter on passing freighter that is unoccupied but not derelict.  Suddenly, she’s surrounded by murder and bodies and things are not as they seem nor do the rules of physics appear to be working correctly.  I won’t ruin the hook here, but it’s interesting enough to keep you engaged how it plays out, though the kicker is very Sisyphus-like (the repetition of tasks as punishment).  So it‘s like “Groundhog Day“, but with murder and spookiness, not a “haunted ship“ movie.  Reminded me a lot of “Memento” for some reason (the plots aren’t similar, though). The accents on the all Australian cast as Americans are fairly solid (gee, remember when Americans used to play Americans in film?).  Some gore (not a lot; gunshot wounds, that sort of thing).  Entertaining time-waster.  Woodchuck sez, “Worth a look.”

Eye Candy #395 - "Scooby-Doo"

Scooby-Doo:  I'm a huge Scooby-Doo fan. HUGE.  I love the classic 60's and 70's cartoons. When I first heard about this movie, I thought "hey! this could be fun!" I was wrong. The problem is this film's script embraces the same flaws of the later cartoons - it abandons mysteries with human protagonist (the classic reveals, I'm talking about here: "Golly gee! It's Mr. Withers!")and leaps into the realm of fantasy, with creatures that are really creatures, and an antagonist that, while I despise the character for what it did to the cartoon, is just unbelievable, ridiculous, and dumb. The cast gives it a shot and Lillard makes a great Shaggy. Prinze is micast but Gellar is spot-on, as is Cardinelli as Velma. But the CGI Scooby is seriously lacking and Rowan Atkinson shouldn't wonder why his career is on the decline when he decides to appears in movies like this. This film should have been more "Scooby Doo Where are You?" than "The Adventures of Scooby and Scrappy Doo".

Eye Candy #394 - "Caddyshack 2"

Caddyshack 2:  I'm one of that weird generation that actually saw "Caddyshack 2" long before I saw "Caddyshack", so I really didn't know how good it could be, seeing as at the time Randy Quaid and his antics in "CH2" completely blew my 12 year old mind out of the water. He was the funniest thing I'd ever seen in my life. Now that I'm older, while I still have a hard time divorcing myself from liking this movie, even as lousy as it is, it is obviously way WAY inferior to the original. It's a perfect example of a sequel that couldn't possibly live up to the original (which may be why Chevy Chase fairly phoned in his miniscule addition to this film). Still, in my 12-year-old mind, this movie is the greatest movie of all time.

Eye Candy #393 - "Fool's Gold"

Fool’s Gold:  A romantic comedy/adventure yarn about a treasure hunter in the Florida Keys (played by Matthew McConaughey) who juggles wooing his newly-divorced ex-wife (Kate Hudson) and finding a sunken treasure galleon full of gold and silver with the help of obligatory rich guy (Donald Sutherland), all while dodging some local criminal types (led by the decidedly unthreatening Kevin Hart from “Soul Plane”, playing a character named Bigg Bunny). A fairly pedestrian exercise that isn’t quite successful in either the adventure or romance departments. Sure, it's slick, but I was expecting more. But then again, I feel that way about a lot of director Andy Tennant's films - they are put together well, but lack a certain something that puts them over the top. Woodchuck sez, "May be your cup of tea."

Eye Candy #392 - "Justice League - The New Frontier"

Justice League - The New Frontier:  I wouldn't say that this is necessarily the most accessible DC/Justice League animated movie, mostly because it does that which comic book fans appreciate - it stays fairly close to the source material and references the minutae (Dr. Erdel, for example, who is responsible for the arrival of the Martian Manhunter) that may go completely over a "newbie's" head. The Justice League, Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, and the Flash, struggle to find their place in society after the Korean War. I've only read the comic upon which this is based sparingly (I read the first part with the Losers on Dinosaur Island, which they only reference very briefly in this movie), but for a re-imagining to the 1950's, it was entertaining. The animation was solid and the voice talent was well-cast. Woodchuck sez, "Comic fans should definitely check it out. All others may enjoy it as well."

Eye Candy #391 - "The Keeper" (SEAGAL! #7)

The Keeper:  Another cinematic gem from Steven Seagal, this time around he’s an ex-cop from Los Angeles, Rolland Salinger, who was wounded by his old partner over drug money (his partner wanted to take it, Seagal didn’t).  Unable to work on the force any more, he travels to New Mexico at the request of an old friend, Connor Wells (Steph Duvall),  to guard his daughter Nikita (Liezl Carstens) after an attempt is made on her life.  Soon, Rolland runs afoul of the local mob who want Well’s property for their own, as well as Nikita’s boxer boyfriend.  Rolland starts making holes in bad guys like tooth decay makes holes in teeth.  Better than most as Seagal isn’t over-dubbed, isn‘t wildly overweight, and the plot doesn’t stray to far from his fairly proven formula (i.e. no vampires or weird pseudo sci-fi nonsense).  Woodchuck sez, “Watchable.”

Eye Candy #390 - "Bloody Mary" (2006)

Bloody Mary: Low budget, low talent, all the lows you can imagine.  A film trashy enough to have one of the characters strip in the first 2 minutes, but only trashy enough to barely show it  We also get some male nudity from the rear and who goes to see a horror movie because of male nudity?  Developed around the urban legend of the same name (people reciting the name “bloody Mary” while looking into a mirror, and Bloody Mary, like the boogeyman, coming for them), we have a group of nurses as a psychiatric hospital whose hazing ritual involves calling up Bloody Mary in the abandoned basement.  The sister of one of the victims investigates.  When I say the acting is bad here, I’ve seen a lot of bad acting in my day.  Some of the people in this film were absolutely TERRIBLE.   At the top of the bad heap is Danni Ravden, as Jenna, the “mean nurse“ and head of the hazing, who can’t act her way out of a paper bag…so she just takes her top off instead.  I can’t say enough bad things about this film to truly illustrate how terrible it is.  “Indie horror thriller” doesn’t always have to mean “utter garbage”, but in this case, it is.   Woodchuck sez,  “Completely avoid.  You‘ll thank me later.”

Eye Candy #389 - "Sting - Moment of Truth"

Sting - Moment of Truth:  These wrestling bio videos are interesting in the sense that it’s usually uncensored commentary by the wrestler and his peers about their time in the business (at least the WWE variety are, and they are the most widespread).  This DVD is completely different from that.  Rather than focus on interviews with Sting and his peers, we get a dramatization of Sting’s life, starring some really lousy amateur actors, from his pre-wrestling days up to his time in the WCW, along with weird metaphorical vignettes about his internal struggles with fame and stardom and the challenges of life on the road, all of which are laughably bad.  The focus of Sting’s is his once-casual then conversion to religion (the Promise Keepers get a shout out) and his woe-is-me personal life.  Tell you what Sting, you’re a multimillionaire, you have fans all over the world, and you want us to feel sorry for you putting the business before your family?  Sorry.  You want a personal story to empathize with, listen to Jake “The Snake” Roberts.  Until then, you’ve got nothing to complain about.  If you have to create fictional drama in your film to keep people engaged, perhaps your life really isn’t all that interesting.  Plus his disdain for the peripheral wrestling community (particularly the media and fans) is palpable.  The only matches shown are from his later crow-face WCW days.  Not compelling, nor does it make you want to track down more footage of the Stinger.   Woodchuck sez, “Easily the worst of these I’ve seen.”

Eye Candy #388 - "The Ostermann Weekend"

The Ostermann Weekend:  Sam Peckinpah's final film and it's darned near incoherent. Sure, we get some of the Peckinpah artistic flourishes, but it's obviously a half-hearted effort based on a script worth about a quarter-effort. Even the scriptwriter said his version of the script shouldn't have been used. Compared to "The Wild Bunch" and "The Getaway", it's as if "The Osterman Weekend" was done by a completely different director. It's lethargic to a fault, full of characters you don't care a whit about because you're given no reason to care about. And no one really cares about bad things happening to people that its hard to empathize and sympathize with. This film, like the older films in Peckinpah's oeuvre ("Cross of Iron", "Convoy"), lack the overall vitality and spark of his earlier films, showing the dissipating effects of a dissipated life on the once-great director.

Eye Candy #387 - "Expelled - No Intelligence Allowed"

Expelled-No Intelligence Allowed: I’m not a religious person.  I don’t celebrate a faith, don’t go to church, don’t own any of “holy books”, and don’t care much for organized religion.  But I like Ben Stein, so I decided to check this out.  And I found a well-constructed documentary that is bound to piss a bunch of people off (for the wrong reasons) and embolden a bunch of people (for the wrong reasons).  Ben Stein, a well-known conservative (just as Michael Moore is a well-known liberal),  decides to take on the scientific stigma attached to Intelligent Design (the idea that certain features of the universe are best explained by intelligent causation; this is not to be confused with creationism, which means that God is responsible as opposed to any other force, nor does Stein ever use the word), by finding scientists that were attacked, fired, punished for furthering ID in their work as well as evolutionary proponents such as well-known author Richard Dawkins (a devout atheist) and way-left scientist PZ Myers (a man who on his blog says “question everything“…except apparently ID).   His focus is on scientific freedom, freedom of inquiry, and the breakdown in dialogue on this subject and indeed the overt suppression in some quarters of it (not that ID is inherently right).  He even catches admitting that they did this to their peers.  What Stein does in his effort is find ID defenders that aren’t all crackpots, that are degreed and eloquent,  while at the same time finding evolutionary defenders who are rabid, spiteful hypocrites who refer to those that disagree with them as “stupid“ by default (Stein catches several of them lying on camera referencing their treatment of their peers) who are about as far removed from straight, rational evaluation as you can get and rely heavily on the word ‘creationism‘ to make their point.  And to have some of them deny the complexity of life and dismiss any attempt to say “there is causation here of some kind, any kind, and not a random one-in-a-quadrillion chance that all 250 essential proteins lined up in just the right order” while at the same time putting forth that theories that life developed on crystals or because of aliens is the side of the debate you don’t hear about in the paper (hey, you guys with the alien theory?  That‘s actually an example of INTELLIGENT DESIGN).  He even finds some of them calling for the replacement of religion with more and more science until religion is gone, and then draws comparisons between that stance and comparable stances of Soviets under Stalin, and Germany under Hitler, who also took strong stances against religion up to and including the mass murder of particular religious and ethnic groups.  He lets Dawkins ramble on long enough for Dawkins to make himself look like a fool (and a hypocrite).  This movie is going to rile the “shut up, you’re an idiot, this is science” crowd that only knows what they’ve been taught and told and if you took that away from them, that which they spent so much of their lives buttressing, their work, careers, study, and passion would be made meaningless (their personal stake is too high, which is the worst kind of scientist to have; they can‘t afford to be wrong).  I’m sure Darwin must have felt the same thing when he first published in the 1860’s, as his work flew in the face of convention as well (Dawkins seems to think that Darwin‘s inclusion of references to “the Creator“ in “On the Origin of Species“ to be an almost immediate capitulation to critics; at least one Darwin biographer disagrees).  Sure, this movie has been panned by certain groups…they just happen to be the same groups that he singles out as problematic in his film and they behave exactly as he describes by painting the film with terms like ‘propaganda‘, ‘religious nonsense‘, and ‘conspiracy theory-rant‘ (the USA Today “review“ doesn‘t even read like it was written by someone who got more than 5 minutes into the movie).  Those painting this as a religious polemic must have watched a different movie.  Woodchuck sez, “If someone doesn’t think you should see a movie because it doesn‘t say what they want it to say, it’s probably a good idea you should check it out.  And I‘m sure this review will piss some people off too.”

Eye Candy #386 - "Nanking"

Nanking: This film is a documentary based in part on the book "The Rape of Nanking" by the late Iris Chang about the Japanese attack and pillage of the city of Nanking, China, in 1937. The disputed death toll is between 75,000-250,000 depending on who you listen to. While that number is large in its own right, what makes Nanking a tragedy was the time it took (a mere 6 weeks; if the Germans killed Jews as efficiently as the Japanese did Chinese in Nanking, to the tune of 6,000 a day, the death toll for the Holocaust would have been much, much greater) and the brutality involved. There was widespread rape of women and girls, torture and murder of civilians, the mass bayoneting, shooting, and immolation of unarmed Chinese POWs, and at least one documented beheading contest between two Japanese officers. The film is a combination of actors portraying the parts of several Westerners in Nanking at the time (some of whom were responsible for saving the lives of thousands of Chinese), Japanese soldiers, and Chinese civilians. There are also interviews with Chinese survivors, as well as film reel footage of victims taken at the time, most of which is horrific (if you have ever wanted to see the survivor of an attempted beheading, this film has it). Woodchuck sez, "Well made and worth watching."

Eye Candy #385 - "Kiss of the Dragon"

Kiss of the Dragon:  While I enjoy the occasional Jet Li flick, this particular movie is worth watching if just to see Tcheky Karyo's supremely entertaining villain turn. We're talking Alan Rickman-Hans Gruber type greatness here. Over-the-top, in-your-face, and other hyphenated phrases apply. He was obviously having a good time and it helps you ignore the somewhat silly plotholes you could drive a Peugeot through.

Eye Candy #384 - "Balls of Fury"

Balls of Fury:  A movie so dumb, it doesn't attempt to hide it. If you ever wanted to know what Thomas Lennon and Ben Garant did with the money they made writing the screenplay for "Night at the Museum", well now you know: they spent it on "Balls of Fury". Or the two naked people in "Reno 911", take your pick. The only thing this movie is missing is Asian heavy character actor Al Leong. Don't know much about the lead Dan Fogler but apparently he won a Tony Award (!!!). How does your career move from Tony Award...to "Balls of Fury" without you firing your agent?

Eye Candy #383 - "Gallipoli"

Gallipoli:  Not to be confused with the Peter Weir film of the same name, this documentary covers the Battle of Gallipoli during WW1, involving British, Australian, French, and Turkish soldiers, using correspondence and eyewitness accounts from both sides at the absolute hell on earth these soldiers went through for 10 months, as the Allies tried to break the Turks, to gain a naval supply route to their ally Russia.  Violent, brutal, wasteful, at times utterly stupid, at other times utterly heroic, the insanity of war just isn’t done justice by film - we can’t possibly see and feel what they felt at that time, and have no comprehension of life under those conditions, from swarms of flies so thick it was difficult to eat, to battles with lopsided casualities figures where one side would lose 500 and the other would lose 10,000.  Of trench warfare, where the trenches were all of 15 yards apart.  Men drowning in latrines that were too deep to escape from.  Really, horrific stuff, but worth noting so it can never happen again.  The documentary itself isn’t anything to write home about, but the information is.  It’d make a nice double bill with the Peter Weir-directed drama of the same name.  Woodchuck sez, “Check it out.”

Eye Candy #382 - "Farce of the Penguins"

Farce of the Penguins:  It's a hard sell, spoofing a documentary. In fact, it's darn idiotic. Do you think that the same crowd that embraced "March of the Penguins" is going to suddenly give in to its Bob Saget fetish and embrace "Farce". Unnecessarily crude, desperately unfunny, and utterly mindless as a film, I can only hope that they got the penguin footage cheap.

Eye Candy #381 - "My Name is Bruce"

My Name is Bruce: the absolute epitome of a vanity project, Bruce Campbell wrote, directed, and starred as… Bruce Campbell, B-actor to the stars, who finds himself kidnapped to the town of Gold Lick, California, to fight the Chinese God of War and Bean Curd named Guan Di.  Schticking himself (and not really that well, as his scripts are usually better than the one here), it’s all Bruce Campbell, all the time.  The production values rate just somewhere just over “TV Movie of the Week”.  Woodchuck sez, “Disappointing.”

Eye Candy #380 - "Starship Troopers 3 - Marauder"

Starship Troopers 3 - Marauder:  I don’t know if the Starship Troopers property was deserving of a film trilogy, but we got one anyway.  An attempt to return to the bright, loud goofiness of the first SST film, we even get Casper Van Dien reprising his role of Johnny Rico. This time around he’s got some additional name actors in support, including Amanda Donohoe (how far she has fallen) and Jolene Blaylock (who needs to fire her agent, then hire him back and fire him again), as the Federation continues its apparently never ending war against the bugs and their leaders, including the brain bug to end all brain bugs.  It does recapture some of the absurdity of the original film (the black tongue-in-cheek humor), but this film is lethargic (with very little bug-fighting to speak of), relatively low production values, and a plot that is nothing to write home about (and it spends a lot of its time slagging on religion/faith for no real good reason other than its something people can argue about).  A step up from SST 2, but a step down from SST 1.  Woodchuck sez, “For completists.”

Eye Candy #379 - "Starship Troopers 2 - Hero of the Federation"

Starship Troopers 2 - Hero of the Federation: Saw that there was a new ST movie coming out direct-to-video, so I figured I’d get caught up on the gleefully fascist adventures of the bug-hunting mobile infantry.  Made 7 years after the original, the cast is loaded with people who were (at the time) on the cusp of more high profile work: Kelly Carlson (Nip/Tuck), Brian Tee (F&F: Tokyo Drift), Ed Quinn (Eureka), Richard Burgi (Desperate Housewives), amongst others.  We are back to being knee-deep in homicidal alien bug hijinks again.  Gone is the fun sense of humor from the first film, the tongue-in-cheek absurdity of the newscasts, etc.  But since this was made for about 5% of the original, it feels like a Sci-Fi Channel production.  This time around, an infantry unit is holed up in an outpost surrounded by bugs, waiting for evac.  However, not everything or everyone is as it seems, a la “Alien“ and “Invasion of the Body Snatchers“.  Swerving more into horror than sci-fi, it’s only partly successful. This was directed by Phil Tippett, an Oscar-winning visual effects artist.  Not a flaming pile, but certainly a step down from Parts 1 and 3.  Woodchuck sez, “Worse movies exist, but not in this series.”

Eye Candy #378 - "The Princess and the Frog"

The Princess and the Frog:  Anytime anyone automatically attaches some sort of racial milestone to an animated film, particularly in the 21st century, I just cringe.  Why?  Because it’s a CARTOON, and people who base their self-image on animated characters are equally as shallow as people that over-identify the blue people from Avatar or hobbits.   Nor can you truly display racial attitudes when you paint one group as almost entirely greedy or foolish (all the White people portrayed in the film are HUGE caricatures).  Me, I prefer scripts with well-rounded characters who are more than the sum of their skin color.  Now, all that being said, I was interested in this movie because it was a step-back from the full CGI features that are crammed down our throats quarterly, most of which aren’t very good.  And I also like Disney returning to the musical aspect of their films, where characters sing in the context of the story.  I enjoy that.  Those are the Disney films I remember.  This time around we are in New Orleans in the first half of the 20th Century.  Tiana (Anika Noni Rose) , a young African-American woman, works multiple jobs to help realize her dream of opening her own restaurant.  Prince Naveen (Bruno Campos) is visiting foreign royalty who runs afoul of the Samedi- like Dr. Facilier (Keith David), who wants Naveen’s power and turns Naveen into a frog.  While attending her friend’s gala, Tiana kisses Naveen in an effort to help change him back and she too is turned into a frog.  Both escape the city into the bayou to find a way to return to normal, befriending a jazz-loving alligator Louie and a family of fireflies led by Raymond, all while learning who they are and what they want, most of which has is Disney boilerplate.  The animation is smooth, the musical numbers better than average, without being exceptional.  And I like their choices in voice talent (Bruno Campos does sound a lot like Diedrich Bader) and Keith David acquits himself the best out of the bunch, and the film has some fairly dark moments (evil shadow creatures, and such).  Entertaining, but not iconic.  Woodchuck sez, “Good, not great.”

Eye Candy #377 - "American Ninja 3 - Blood Hunt"

American Ninja 3 - Blood Hunt:  The Crap Train keeps right on-arolling.  The second of 4 sequels, we don’t get Michael Dudikoff this time around, though we do get Steve James back as Curtis Jackson.  This time around, the American Ninja is portrayed by David Bradley, as Shawn Davidson.  Both men go to Tirania for a martial arts competition, held by its corrupt government.  Shawn’s father died as a result of the machinations of General Andreas, the leader of Tirania, and his business partner The Cobra (keeping with our animal-named baddies).  And almost immediately upon touchdown, the ninjas pop out of the woodwork, as they kidnap Davidson’s mentor Izumo.  Ridiculous action set pieces ensue.  Bradley is a better martial artist than Dudikoff ever was, and a marginally better actor.  James at least seems to not be taking himself so seriously.  The now-standard anemic fight scenes and ludicrous plot points (Davidson manages to overcome a viral toxin he’s infected with by “total control over body and mind”).  I don’t know if I can stomach another one of these, but there are two more in the series.  Woodchuck sez, “Still pretty much crap.”

Eye Candy 376 - "The Slammin' Salmon"

The Slammin’ Salmon:  Whoever said this was the best Broken Lizard film yet has apparently never seen just about anything else they’ve done.  This is a middling effort at best, almost a complete waste of time at worst.  The film is about one night in the life of a trendy Miami restaurant, The Slammin’ Salmon, owned by ex-boxer and all around nincompoop Cleon “Slammin’” Salmon (played by Michael Clarke Duncan; think George Foreman here, but belligerent).   He’s run up a debt to some yakuza, and needs the restaurant to clear $20k for the night to appease them. The Broken Lizards gang are all waiters who have to help the restaurant reach that goal, over-selling food and alcohol all the way while dealing with various foibles like horrible burns, lousy customers, while some of them are drunk, stoned, or off their meds.  Not anywhere near as entertaining as either “Super Troopers” or “Beerfest”, with the laughs coming few and far between.  Feels almost more like one of those cheap “American Pie” or “National Lampoon” films.  Woodchuck sez, “Skip it.”

Eye Candy #375 - "Up in the Air"

Up in the Air:  I thought going in that I wasn’t going to enjoy this film.  Wasn’t really in the mood for a drama, but I was pleasantly surprised.  A movie about people with no attachments, who find themselves attached.  George Clooney is Ryan Bingham, a corporate down-sizer hired by companies to let employees go, who is very much in the same vein as other standard Clooney “types“ - confident, smooth, and a little smug.  He spends over 320 days on the road each year, flying here, there, and everywhere.  He’s more comfortable in hotel bars and first class seating.  One night in a hotel bar, he meets Alex (Vera Farmiga), a fellow denizen of the airlines, and they begin a casual/un-casual relationship as their paths crisscross the country for work.  With changes occurring at his home office, he takes a young up-and-comer on the road to show her the ropes of what he does (Anna Kendrick, as Natalie Keener), so that she can see how he operates out in the field as the owner of Bingham’s company (Jason Bateman) gears up to slash travel budgets, pinning the jet-friendly Bingham to the ground in Omaha, doing his job via impersonal video conferences and weblinks.  A very timely movie in this economic climate, and also very appropriate for the fairly cynical world we live in, where the sort of “classical” views of adult relationships seem to be deconstructed down to man‘s need for companionship.  The cast is uniformly good (Farmiga has never been more attractive), with real downsized employees portraying their film counterparts.  It’s got humor, it’s got sadness, it‘s a human story functioning in an essentially inhuman lifestyle.  Woodchuck sez, “Check it out.”

Eye Candy #374 - "American Ninja 2 - The Confrontation"

American Ninja 2 - The Confrontation:  Since no one could reasonably ignore the pageantry and soul-churning pathos of the original, we get more ninja goodness in this film, the first of four sequels, not all of which starred Michael Dudikoff.  Backed an all-synthesizer, all-the-time, all-annoying soundtrack, Dudikoff returns as Joe Armstrong, the American ninja, with Steve James back as his Black sidekick.  This time around, they’ve been flown in to some exotic warm locale (which was apartheid South Africa, hence the accents on many of the cast) to investigate the disappearance of American marines by various and sundry nefarious parties.  It doesn’t help that the commanding Colonel “Wild Bill” has gone native and his men run around in Hawaiian shirts, all of them apparently behaving as if they were permanently on shore leave.  In no time flat, Armstrong finds himself against more ninjas, mixed with a thoroughly ridiculous gene-splicing subplot (GROWING ninjas, so to speak), as he fights the evil businessman Leo…”the Lion“.  Yes, that‘s his criminal nickname.  Some people say this film was better than the first.  I disagree.  In fact, I disagree completely.  I would argue that if such a thing is possible, it is indeed worse than the original, with some truly terrible acting (it’s hard to believe that Dudikoff could get worse but they actually let him speak more this time around), some of the fakest looking “martial arts” ever committed to film, not to mention the sheer sloppiness of the production - there are at least two shots in the film where Dudikoff‘s stand-in is filmed FROM THE FRONT, as if we weren‘t supposed to see that he has a DIFFERENT FACE.  And that’s just in the first 15 minutes.  Woodchuck sez, “Crapola Part 2.”