Eye Candy #525 - "Shanghai Surprise"

Shanghai Surprise:  How can you know what’s really good unless you watch what’s really bad?  Legendary as one of the worst films of all time, “Shanghai Surprise” was a vanity project starring then-It Girl Madonna and her beau Sean Penn as a wide-eyed missionary and ne’er-do-well thrust together in pre-World War Shanghai, searching for a cache of lost opium that belonged an opium king now deceased named Faraday (Paul Freeman, more on him in a moment).  On their trail are various Chinese no-good-niks who want the trove for themselves.   This film has lots of problems, casting first.  Penn and Madonna completely lack chemistry on screen, and Penn is hardly a dashing leading man in the Harrison Ford/pulp mold (he’s also inexplicably very tan).  The plot is meandering and dull.  And inexplicably, even though pop queen Madonna is the star,  the bland soundtrack is furnished by George Harrison instead.  Mostly this film just doesn’t live up to what it tries to be - it’s not funny when it attempts to be comedic, it’s not thrilling when it tries to be thrilling, and for an “adventure”, it’s almost terminally boring.  And I’m agog as to how Paul Freeman, who has starred in some great films (“Raiders of the Lost Ark”, “Hot Fuzz”) also starred in some of the worst (this film and “Mighty Morphin Power Rangers - The Movie”).   The film was so poorly received on its release, director Jim Goddard hid out on British television for over a decade and out of the cinema.  This one is as bad as its hype.   Woodchuck sez, “Skip it.”

Eye Candy #524 - "Murder by Decree"

Murder by Decree: One of a small handful of films that cross Sherlock Holmes with Jack the Ripper, this time with Christopher Plummer as an urbane Mr. Holmes and James Mason as his older, trusted assistant, Dr. Watson, trying to decipher who the Ripper is and why he is murdering the soiled doves of West End, a conspiracy that may involve the government and the crown itself.   The supporting cast includes David Hemmings, Genevieve Bujold, Donald Sutherland, and John Gielgud. Directed by Bob Clark (who gave us “Porky’s” among other films), this period murder mystery is solid, if a little dated (it hasn’t aged well visually) and is based on the same conspiracy theory that the like-minded “From Hell” was based on.  Plummer and Mason have good chemistry together.  It’s a tad on the long side, but still worth a look.  Woodchuck sez, “Check it out.”

Eye Candy #523 - "Chain Reaction"

Chain Reaction:  A post-“Speed”, pre-”Matrix” offering from Keanu Reeves, about the invention of bubble fusion by a team of researchers from the University of Chicago and the shadowy government types trying to capture and control the information, up to and including eliminating those involved.  Their experiments involving bombarding water with sonoluminescence to cause fusion…and that’s about as deep as the explanation of the science involved gets in the film, because it all takes a backseat to a couple of really big explosions and a pair of fleeing scientists, played by Keanu Reeves and a very young Rachel Weisz (she was 25 at the time and looks like the least convincing, worldly physicist since Denise Richards in “The World is Not Enough“), trying to find out the truth.  Morgan Freeman plays a CIA spook-type responsible for helping fund the bubble fusion project in the first place, and Brian Cox plays a murderous cohort of his.   Fred Ward and Kevin Dunn are FBI agents trying to sort out what went wrong and who’s responsible.  Director Andrew Davis knows how to craft a good thriller.  He gave us “The Fugitive” and “Under Siege”, so the man knows what he’s doing, but here, even though the film is slicker than snot and the set pieces work,  the script has numerous plot holes and gives you no reason to care about the people involved, as stuff starts blowing up almost immediately.   Freeman has the meatiest part (and it’s against type for him) and he fares the best.  But you know next to nothing about Reeves and Weisz’ characters, making it hard to root for them.  There‘s a strong emotional detachment.   And Keanu Reeves has the 3rd most painful-looking run in all of film, after Sylvester Stallone and Dolph Lundgren.  Woodchuck sez, “Disappointing effort.”

Eye Candy #522 - "The Last Dragon"

The Last Dragon:  Much-loved and fondly remembered, while at the same time, a giant steaming pile of filmmaking, Motown Record’s Berry Gordy produced this blaxploitation/chop-socky/kiddie flick about young “Bruce” Leroy Green (Taimak, in his acting debut; it’s said that he learned acting while on set…and it absolutely shows), who has to fight Sho Nuff, the Shogun of Harlem, and evil businessman Eddie Arkaddian, to save his friends as well as his lady love Laura Charles (played by Vanity).    Dopey in the extreme, aimed at children but with a surprising amount of profanity, and a soundtrack that is quantifiably dreadful (it’s like you’re listening to the death of R&B, murdered by synthesizers and schlock), I can absolutely understand the appeal of “The Last Dragon” in the year of its release, just like I can understand the appeal of “Breakin’ 2 - Electric Boogaloo” - you just had to be there to get it.  It will completely escape you otherwise because, minus the nostalgia, it’s a terrible, terrible film.  The acting is wooden when it’s not over-the-top, the plot is hokey, the fights aren’t bad, but can‘t carry the film. Have I mentioned how much the soundtrack sucked yet?  I mean, DEBARGE is the high note, people, and it only goes downhill from there.  Woodchuck sez, “Total hooey.”

Eye Candy #521 - "Unstoppable"

Unstoppable:  Runaway train pictures are darn near as old as film itself (see also: Buster Keaton‘s “The General”).   This film, inspired loosely by true events, is about the heroics of two train workers and their attempt to stop a runaway train barreling through the Pennsylvania countryside with a load of toxic chemicals.  Our two leads are played by Chris Pine and Denzel Washington, as newbie and veteran rail workers that are thrown together by chance (that much is actually true; the two railmen that stopped the real train had the same experience gap).  They are good together, but their characters are largely undeveloped (they are mostly stereotypes shoe-horned into a union-done-us-wrong subplot).  Rosario Dawson plays the rail yardmaster tasked with stopping the train before it derails causing catastrophic damage.  Director Tony Scott pulls out all the stops to jazz up a fairly plain visual (a train running straight on tracks isn’t inherently exciting), shooting it with a music video type flair:  lots of choppy editing as Scott uses up his jump cut quotient for the year with shots of people anxiously staring at the train.   Fine as a popcorn time-waster, but absolutely mindless and easily one of Tony Scott’s lesser efforts (compared to say the superior “Man on Fire” or “Enemy of the State”), though not nearly as bad as “Domino“.  And the ending feels tacked on and unnecessary.  Woodchuck sez, “Worth a look.”

Eye Candy #520 - "The Tourist"

The Tourist:  An almost too slick little romantic thriller from director Florian Henckel von Donnersmark (his name is my name, too…), who gave us the brilliant, Oscar-winning “The Lives of Others“, about an unwitting American schmoe (Johnny Depp) who finds himself swept up in international intrigue by a British mystery woman (Angelina Jolie) who picks him up on a train in France.  Soon various thugs and intelligence agencies are chasing after him for reasons he doesn’t know, culminating in a chase around Venice for money he doesn‘t have stolen by a person he isn‘t.  Paul Bettany is here in support as a shadowy government type, as well as 1980‘s evil guy stalwart Steven Berkoff, who looks like hell.  Fine for what it is, but it’s as shallow as a kiddie pool.  The stars are good together, and quite frankly, the plot is a no-brainer - what red-blooded male would turn down an invitation from a Jolie-esque beauty in Venice, especially if they too are a schlub?  I’m a schlub and I would.  Feels very much like “Knight and Day”, another recent romantic thriller involving espionage (that one had more explosions and derring-do), but there‘s just nothing here to make it stick with you.  It‘s utterly forgettable.   This was nominated for several Golden Globes, but award worthy?  I think not.  Woodchuck sez, “Not all it’s cracked up to be.”

Eye Candy #519 - "Pentathlon"

Pentathlon:  Everyone once in a while, you end up watching a film that is so bad, you need a shower once it’s over.  “Pentathlon” is that movie.  Arguably the biggest turd in the field of turds that is Dolph Lundgren’s career, this 1994 entry has D as Eric Broger, East Germany’s greatest hope in the Olympic pentathon (running, shooting, riding, swimming, fencing).  His sadistic coach/Stasi officer Meuller (David Soul) prepares Broger to win gold, but after medaling, Broger defects to the United States mere months before the Berlin Wall comes down.  Broger ends up out of the sport, deep in the bottle, and working as a fry cook at a Southern style diner owned by Creese (T.C. from “Magnum PI“).  Meuller has hooked up with the neo-Nazi movement and hatches a plot to assassinate the German ambassador in Los Angeles at a peace rally, but not before beating Broger‘s father to death.  Meanwhile, Broger, with Creese‘s help, gets himself back in shape so he can participate in the 1996 Games in Atlanta.  Broger‘s old flame Julia also re-enters his life.  Meuller refuses to go through with his assassination until he settles scores with Broger first.  Chaos, understandably ensues.  There is NOTHING good about this movie.  Lundgren is cast in a part that would be ideal for a man 15 years younger (he plays Broger like a goofy teenager) , and he, in typical fashion, is terrible.  He also has the second most-painful-to-watch run, after Sylvester Stallone.  But David Soul’s performance is so bad, you can hear his career roll over, vomit, and then die.  He plays his character like William Shatner with a vague German accent.  This was directed by Bruce Malmuth, who gave us the brilliant “Nighthawks” several years earlier.  This movie is the antithesis of that movie - a thriller without thrills, vitality, or sense.  Woodchuck sez, “Completely avoid.”

Eye Candy #518 - "Seraphim Falls"

Seraphim Falls:  Two-thirds of a decent western, with Liam Neeson and Pierce Brosnan portraying the hunter and the hunted, as Neeson chases Brosnan across the American west for revenge, before it all degenerates in overly metaphorical slop in the last third involving the devil, amongst other mystical characters.  The film drops you right into the action and for the first hour, keeps the tension high and the pace brisk, as Brosnan evades Neeson and his small posse, including the always watchable Michael Wincott, through snow-covered woods and high desert.  You have to wait until the 2nd reel to finally get some back-story as to who did what to whom and why Neeson is chasing Brosnan (nothing terribly originally there).  We also get Tom Noonan, Wes Studi, Xander Berkeley, and Angelica Huston, amongst other notable character actors, here in support.  This film just feels like the screenwriter ran out of ideas towards the end (or maybe got really high).    Brosnan is good cast against type.  Neeson has done better.  Nothing remarkable here.  Woodchuck sez, “Meh.”

Eye Candy #517 - "My Soul to Take"

My Soul To Take:  An unsatisfying horror entry both written and directed by Wes Craven, this film is a jumbled mess from the first shot.  16 years ago, the town of Riverton, Connecticut was plagued by a serial killer, The Ripper, who is a man with dissociative identity disorder.  He has seven distinct identities inhabiting one body, one of which is murderous.   After the police capture him, he escapes in dramatic fashion.  At the same moment, seven children are born simultaneously, each rumored to contain one of the Ripper’s seven “souls”, with the expectation that one of them is the murderous one.  The children grow up to be various Hollywood teen stereotypes, including Token Asian, and Amusing Minority with Disability, and on their sixteenth birthday, The Ripper returns to Riverton, knocking them off one-by-one in gory fashion.  It’s up to “Bug”, one of the seven and the son of the original Ripper, to find out what’s going on and save the day…unless of course he’s the killer.  Convoluted, chock full of unsympathetic, undeveloped characters, it commits the double crime of being boring and implausible, with a lame ending that doesn’t really resolve anything.  Wes Craven has directed some of my favorite movies, like “Scream” and “Scream 2”, but this one was nothing but disappointing.  Woodchuck sez, “Skip it.”

Eye Candy #516 - "Faster"

Faster:  Overblown quasi-noir script that just screams to be rewritten by Richard Stark, this is an old-fashioned revenge picture with contemporary trappings (which isn’t surprising, seeing as the two screenwriters also gave us the muddled, crappy quasi-noir “The Salton Sea“; this film is also set in that same dusty, Joshua-tree laden waste of eastern California).  ‘Driver’ (The Rock) gets out of prison after serving 8 years.  Immediately after leaving prison, he picks up his Chevelle SS and begins to hunt down and kill the men responsible for the murder of his brother years earlier after a bank heist gone wrong.    ‘Cop’ (played by Billy Bob Thornton; yes that is his character’s name) is a washed-up cop with substance abuse problems who finds himself on the Driver’s case.  ‘Killer’ (also his character’s name), a millionaire playboy who moonlights as a hitman,  is hired to kill the Driver.  Carla Gugino, Tom Berenger,  Maggie Grace, amongst others, are here in support.    Not close to what has become standard Dwayne Johnson fare - gone are the feel good message and kiddie appeal.   And in their place, we get graphic violence and The Rock barely speaks for the duration of the picture.  You don’t root for him as we know next to nothing about him.  The subtitle of the film should have been, “Unlikable People Doing Bad Things to One Another”.  But unfortunately, just being against his standard type isn’t enough to make this movie any good.   Another dull film from director George Tillman.  Woodchuck sez, “Skip it.”.

Eye Candy #515 - "Never Let Me Go"

Never Let Me Go:  Based on the book of the same name, this is another bleak dystopian view of the future, though not as pronounced as most (I.e. none of the usual sci-fi trappings).  And while the premise is “science fiction”, it doesn’t feel like a “sci-fi picture”.  Very similar plot-wise as 2005‘s “The Island” (which came across mostly as a retread of “Logan‘s Run“), this film is a better constructed and acted film, about a present era where human beings have been grown since the 1950’s for the sole purpose of harvesting organs to sustain the health of the rest of humanity.  Andrew Garfield, Keira Knightly, and Carey Mulligan are Tommy, Ruth, and Kathy, three products of the system, trying to live life when it has been proscribed fatally for them by a society that considers them “things“ rather than beings, regardless of any proof to the contrary.  And rather than devolve into some simplistic chase picture as they try to avoid their fate, “Never Let Me Go” takes great pains to establish the humanity of the trio, as they love, lose, and hope, with a palpable emotional punch for the viewer.  So if you were expecting an edge-of-your-seat thriller, you will be disappointed.  Only the second feature film of director Mark Romanek (who gave us the equally good “One Hour Photo”).  Woodchuck sez, “Me likey.”

Eye Candy #514 - "Jackass 3-D"

Jackass 3-D:  If I have one guilty, shameful pleasure in life, it’s that I enjoy watching the various creations of the guys from “Jackass“.  I can’t help myself.  I see someone get unexpectedly hit in the groin, I laugh.  This time around, the gang has ratcheted up the human effluence factor (lots of poo, lots of vomit, and various other gross fluids), but still manages to stage some very funny gags that, while I know they come with a disclaimer, I’d like to give a whirl.  The usual gang of idiots is here - Johnny Knoxville, Bam Margera, Steve-O, Wee Man, et al., as they play tetherball with bees, put a full portajohn on bungee cranes, shoot each other with paintball guns, disastrously fail at various ramp jumps, and attacked by various animals, all in the name of good fun,   As with the previous movies, the guys go international, though it’s not quite as pronounced as dressing up as panda bears and running around the streets of Tokyo as they did in a previous film.  Got some full frontal male nudity here, as well (and as expected), so not for children, not for people who relish good taste, and not for those with weak stomachs.  For the rest you, there is bound to be something that they do that you’ll laugh at, even if you feel a little dirty while you do it.  Woodchuck sez, “Check it out…with reservations.”