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Hi There!
When I finished writing the Missive from Uncle Sparky, I found I had way too much left over “information” (put those in the largest quotes imaginable) to not share with everyone. I also realized that in this job, I’m getting crapped on by children half a country away who hold me responsible for something I had nothing to do with (as I said before, it is a hard test). Oh well, here we go again. I’ve broken them in convenient sections for your viewing of the mind-boggling and somewhat unintelligible. Please refer to the previous email for the questions that these answers are for.
What You Don’t Know About the Renaissance Can Kill You:
· Michaelangelo was a roofer
· Michaelangelo painted the cellar of the Sistine Chapel (and what a lovely cellar it is)
· On the topic of Sistine Chapel, various spellings include Sex Teen (isn’t this a website or something), Sixteenth, Cystine, Chistine, and (strangely enough) the Byzantine Cathedral
· Inventors of the Renaissance: Thomas Edison, Einstein, Henry Ford, the Wright Brothers, Alexander Graham Bell, Bill Gates
· Inventions of the Renaissance include markers, cell phones, caller ID, fire, light bulb, latex house paint, fireworks, steam engine, cotton gin, and…CATS.
· Before the Ren., painting was very “shapey”
· “Literature is found in bathrooms or in books”
· Most students think that the Leaning Tower of Pisa was built at an angle
· The Statue of Liberty was built during the Ren.
· Hieroglyphs were the primary artform of the Ren.
· In the Renaissance, “they would know things they didn’t know and not know things they did.” WHAT?!
· Shakespeare wrote A Christmas Carol
· Macbeth is a sonnet
· Yes, I have had children refer to the “Lening Tower of Pizza” (and immediately cried tears of despair)
· Painters of the Renaissance: Pacaso, Monay, Mone’, Maenot, Napoleon, Mozart, and Grandma Moses (I don’t make ‘em up, I just relate ‘em)
· Famous writers of the Ren. Are: Langston Hughes, Devante (the bastard child of Cervantes and Dante)
· Scientists learned how to split the atom in the Renaissance
· “Many great artists exploded during that time.” (I LOVE THIS ANSWER! I can just see painters blowing up right and left in Rome)
· Renaissance painters used crayons or they fingerpainted
· The Renaissauce is good on spaghetti.” (true answer)
· Renaissance means “Re-Enlightenment”
· Jazz Age occurred during the Renaissance
· Da Vinci had a blue period
· “The popular sculpture is the guy with no arms and he is naked” (Uhh, that would be “David de Milo”?)
· Leoarndo (their spelling not mine) painted the Monica Lisa, the enigmatic smiling White House intern
· Galileo used his telescope to look into space and know “that we are not alone” (And the X-Files theme begins to play…)
· One student mentioned the Greek philosophers Spoctiles, Planto, and Arieastales. He then proceeded to butcher everything he ever knew about anything.
· Literature: “There was no more talking like “thou shalt not taketh I.” It’s more like “you cannot take me.”
· “Advances in literature helped people to not be so dumb.” (except for this child)
· The nude paintings of the Renaissance led directly to the large pornography industry of today
· There is a Gothic cathedral called “Notre Damn”
· “The Renaissance is like a box of chocolates. You never know what changes were to occur.” (This was signed Barney the Dinosaur)
· This is an answer I received: “I am going to choose literature and painting. I like literature it’s a good thing people all over the world is a literature. Painting is also good thing when though it gets boring not is the painting is really good.”
Favorite Renaissance Answers of All Time:
· Michaelangelo took a long time painting the Sistine Chapel. The pope would come in and say, “Michangelo, are you done yet?” And Michaelangelo would say, “No!” (this is a direct quotation from an answer)
· Leonardo da Vinci’s most famous work was…SUPPERTIME WITH JESUS! (I fell out of my chair laughing at this one)
Nikita Khruschev is turning in his grave:
· Events that led to the downfall of the Soviet Union: The Revolutionary War, The Civil War, Napoleon, The French and Indian War, Noah’s Ark, and the Pelopennesian War
· The Soviet Union was a bunch of Russian teamsters
· “Khruschev sounds like kirchife” (I love it when the example is spelled wrong)
Random Brain Farts:
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· The 10th Grade View of Cloning: “One Sheep is now Two Sheep” (succinct, to the point)
· Europe is a nation
· Hitler wrote Ma Kumpff (that 2nd f is very important)
· Hitler shot Archduke Francis Ferdinand
· JFK sailed down the Mississippi River to make the Louisiana Purchase
· The Bill of Rights and the Ten Commandments are interchangeable (“Thou shalt have the right to bears arms, and thou shalt have the right NOT to covet thy neighbor’s wife”)
· “Sulieman the Magnificent was magnificent and I think she was a man.”
Totally Random Answers That Make Little or No Sense:
· “B**w a Goat!”
· “My father’s an architect, go ask him!”
· “To resolve this conflict, we held a tag-team chocolate pudding tickle fight”
· “Remember food stamps used to be like paper (like money) but now you have your own EBI card. It is kind of like a credit card but for food.”
· “Got to Ebay myself some stocks” (?????)
· “The past is past and the future is yet to come.”
· “Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow”
· “The Great Invasion of my underwear”
· “Ditto”
· “The question is poorly formatted and to be politically correct, this is homosexual” ( I believe the question was about the fall of Communism)
· “If you can’t dazzle them with answers, baffle them with…times up! Got to go!”
Notes From the Underground:
· Things that drive me nuts: Kids using letters and numbers instead of the word. For example, ‘4ever’ or use of the letter ‘R’ for the word ‘are’
· If it wasn’t for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, most children in America, not just Massachusetts, would not know the names of Leonardo, Raphael, Donatello, and Michaelangelo (“Leonardo da Vinci? Isn’t he the one with the sword?”)
· Things I now give credit for: they identify Nikita Khruschev as a man; the last names of either Galileo, Michaelangelo, or Dante; use of the word ‘basilica’; use of the words ‘existentialism’ or ‘transcendentalism’ even if they are out of context
I finish this job in two days and cannot wait for it to be over. Hope you enjoy the new list. Some of them are…well, some of them are…oh, just forget it…
Remember these children are out in the free world, you may not even recognize them. You have been warned.
Wubba wubba
Uncle Sparky
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