*****
Hello, hello!
I thought that some of you out there would like to know what I've been doing this summer. It's been a bit of a different summer for me, mainly because any plans I made for the summer were shot down like a B-27 bomber over Dresden. You see, I had to actually get a job! I'm not kidding, like a real nine-to-five-wage-slave job. And let me tell you that a man with my qualifications (that would be none, other than I can type) have slim pickings. I also wasn't planning on being home the whole summer, but we won't go there because that is still a sore point.
So I went looking for incredibly well-paying (and totally unrealisitcally expected) temp work. I became a temp, which is a step up from professional actor, as they are almost the same thing. But I got hooked up with an agency and they got me jobs. And let me tell you, these jobs are the most interesting things I possibly have ever done. And I would like to share some of the "greatest hits" of what I've been doing.
And so begins what I like to call...
How I Spent My Summer Vacation...Or...How Did I Fall So Far So Fast
The First Job: I got to play video games for the Air Force. Not even stupid cheesy games, but like really cool spaceship war simulators (you can actually buy the game, it's called "Allegiance". Mucho fun, I can tell you). It was a psychological experiment about somethin-er-other...I really didn' t care, I was getting paid to play video games! That is the dream of any young man who grew up playing Nintendo! There were two teams of people playing against each other and this is the only job where I have been given the opportunity to shoot down some incredibly underqualified and unprepared older Hispanic women. And let me tell you...I whooped their @$$! I had more kills than anyone else on the project, mainly because I believed in using the guns on my spaceship rather than running into people with my spaceship. I was doing awesome, handing out electronic carnage left and right...and the ringer squad of Air Force officers came in and unleashed a stream of violent death upon me (and everyone else too) the likes the world has never seen. They killed me something like forty times in the span of two hours. Now, I admit I was humbled by men who are trained to do this for a living, but at least...I kicked the crap out of those little Mexican ladies!
My Number Two Job...I Call It...Number Two: Now this was the truly interesting job. We all remember those incredibly boring standardized tests that we all had to take to get out of high school. Well, I'm grading them (at least, at the time of this writing). I read the answers to a test that was taken this past Spring by all 8th and 10th graders in the state of Massachusetts
and give them a score on what they did correct. The organization I work for is called The Psychological Corporation, and it's a division of Harcourt Brace. We refer to ourselves as "Psy-Co). It is the weirdest, most colorful group of people you will ever find. The "scorers" make up the largest percentage of people in the building and include any number of teachers (ex or current), at least one former mayor, one retired two star general, and (at least temporarily) a professional actor. It also has a large percentage or incredibly fat people. We sit all day at computers and read papers from the kids. I've spent so much time sitting I think I'm getting bed sores on my butt.
We score on a 4 point scale, called a Rubric. You may remember Rubric from his cube. A 4 is the best (and rare) and a 0 is lowest. There are also distinctions for things like blanks, refusals to answer the questions, and the truly incomprehensible. We try and figure out if it's a boy or a girl by their handwriting and content (If it has to do with anything violent or gory, it's probably a boy. Favorite topic of the children: The Donner Party. Don't ask me why).
The children..-hell the state of Massachusetts hates this test. There are protests at the capital as we speak. But you see, I have the inside track: I've read the answers and let me tell you, fear for the fate of Massachusetts. The children there are overwhelmingly dumb. Now you don't have to take my word for it, I've compiled a list of the truly awesome answers that I read over this summer.
Let me preface this by saying that easily half of the tests I read are blank or complaints about how awful the test is and how it is unfair to them because it doesn't test them on anything they were taught. This test is also going to be a requirement for graduation starting next year and I love reading the answers that say, "I don ned this tess 2 grajewate!" They write down song lyrics (from Slipknot to Will Smith), make doodles about how much "so-and-so loves such-and-such 4ever", and have insulted my mother on at least two occasions. One child did a really good drawing of the entire "Knights Who Say Nee" scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I've had children write in ficitonal languages (I believe that one child wrote in Dwarvish). There is a distinction between those who make good educated guesses, however misguided. And then there are answers that come from some other place in the universe, a very dumb place.
Now I scored six different questions, all in the social studies category. I've divided the comments up by responses to the question (at least for the first four), and then a section of random crap I can' t justify even to myself. Remember: EVERYTHING THAT FOLLOWS IS COMPLETELY TRUE! And now...
QUESTION 1: In 1946, Winston Churchill delivered a speech in Fulton, Missouri that included the following comment: "From Stetting in the Baltic to Trieste in the Adriatic, an iron curtain has descended across the continent." Explain what Churchill meant by the term "iron curtain"
THE ANSWERS:
· Winston Churchill was a vampire and had iron curtains over his windows to keep the sun out because, as you know, sunlight destroys true vampires.
· Winston Churchill had an iron curtain on his wall and when he pulled it down, it went across a map of Europe, so it was "descending across the continent."
· There is a curtain in Fulton, Missouri.
· Churchill went to Church on a Hill.
· The countries of Baltic and Adriatic were at war with one another.
· The Iron Curtain is an old wooden battleship, the U.S.S. Constitution
· The Iron Curtain came down at the end of the show, letting the audience know the show was over and it was time to applaud. (I lost it after I read this answer; Sad thing is is that I know this kid is an actor!)
QUESTION 2: In 1956, Nikita Khruschev, the premier of the Soviet Union said, "About the capitalist states, it doesn't depend on whether or not we exist. Whether you like it or not, history is on our side. We will bury you." Identify and explain two events that prove Khruschev wrong.
THE ANSWERS:
· Of course they couldn't bury them, because there were too many bodies after World War 2; they had to cremate a lot of them.
· Nikita Khruschev was head of the Soviet Onion
· "Nikita Khruschev, when she said..." (got this one a lot)
QUESTION 3: Listed below are empire and countries that increased their wealth and power through their control of a specific natural resource: Inca Empire Spanish Empire British Empire Middle Eastern Countries. Choose one of the following and identify a specific resource controlled by the empire and explain.
THE ANSWERS:
· The British dominated the world through control of the marshmallow. (This answer was accompanied by a drawing detailed how this worked)
· The British dominated the world through control of the coconut. They made money selling the shells and meats
· The Spanish dominated the world through control of the burrito (now know as the Taco Bell Theory of World Domination)
· The Spanish dominated the world through control of the taco. ("tacos, people love tacos")
· The Mideast countries control the world's supply of camels
· The Spanish empire controlled the world's supply of bulls. (they also said that "bulls were important")
· Oil comes from a mine
· Spain traded seasons and spices (parsley, sage, rosemary, and...autumn)
· Incans used bones and awows
QUESTION 4: From the 1300s to the early 1600s, the Renaissance in Europe brought significant changes in these areas: painting, architecture, science and technology, literature. Pick two areas and explain two changes that occurred within each area.
THE ANSWERS:
· Leonardo diCaprio painted the Monet Lisa (oh, the pain, the pain!)
· Famous painters of the time included Michael Angelo, Leonardo...*ahem* Angelo, Vhan Gogr (this is the Vietnamese spelling), and Luis the Mexican Person
· Shakespeare wrote his most famous work, the Renaissance Italy/Roman Empire/Time Travel Romance tragedy, Romeo and Juliet Caesar (I don't think this one is in the first folio...)\
· Karl Marx started the Protestant Reformation
· Martin Luther nailed some stuff (sometimes we get "Martin Luther got nailed." Take that any way you want it)
· The stealth catapault was invented (I can't make this stuff up)
· Leonardo daVinci was a "Renaissance Man" (AARRGGHHH!)
· Computers and cell phones were invented in the Renaissance
· Flying Dutchesses were used to make churches taller
· In the Renaissance, buildings were built up and down (as opposed to what: side to side?)
· In the Renaissance, buildings were built in a circumference shape.
AND NOW SOME RANDOM NOTES ON SUBJECTS THESE PEOPLE APPARENTLY KNOW NOTHING ABOUT...
· There are four Great Lakes: Lake Superior, Lake Hudson, Lake Oregon, and Lake Erosion
· There are apparently over thirty correct spellings of the word 'Appalachian', including Application, Alps, Annapolis, Apple Ancient, and AepAlachian.
· The Greek Pentathlon was a temple constructed for Athena atop the Necropolis.
· The Parthenon was built for the Greek god Parthenon
· Mommies were buried in pyramids
· The Mayans built a famous pyramid temple called "Chicken Itza"
· Saxajawa was the indian who helped Luis and Clark (Lois and Clark or Louise and Clark) get across the Louisiana Purchase after it was purchased by Abraham Lincoln for sixteen dollar. (As with Appalachian, there are many spellings for Sacajawea)
· China was afraid of being invaded by Mongo!
· At a Greek temple, a profit sat in a room filled with gas
· The Oragonal Trail led settlers west in the 1800s
· The Andy's Mountain range is in western America
· The Nile River, Himalayas, and Sahara desert are all located in the American west.
· A series of droughts in the Midwest led to the Cotton Bowl
· There is a new weather phenomenon in the American Southwest known as "dry humidity"
· The Great Wall of China is a forcefield
· The Great Wall of China goes through the Appalachian mountains
· The Great Wall of China, also known as the Berlin Wall, was built to keep the Germans out of China
· The "Great Big Wall of China" is in China
· The Great Wall of China was built to separate East and West China.
· The Rocky Mountains are rocky
· The Grand Canyon is grand
· The Great Wall of China is great
· Mountains are located in (get this)...Mountain ranges
· The Great Plains in America were originally sand and deserts. It wasn't until later that they became the "fruited plain".
· Romans built the Roman Empire State Building
· The aqueduct is actually a really large damn
· Barriers to Western Expansion in the America in the 1800s were the Sound Barrier, Light Barrier, and Speed Barrier
· The Rockies stretch as far as Iowa and the Appalachians go all the way to Nebraska
TOTALLY RANDOM OFF-TOPIC AMUSING THINGS THAT I RECEIVED IN LIEU OF AN ANSWER...
· What sexual position makes ugly children? I don't know, go ask your ma!
· How bout them Red Sox?
· You made me break my banana
· I have chosen the Ryan Kelly I-don't-give-a-f**k empire. Everybody tokes up and grows buds and every night there is a rave and you can get all the drugs you want (Good for Ryan)
· Is it time for Matlock?
· A message to Pioneers: America, get over it!
And finally, my favorite answer of all time. If you can decipher the complete message this child is trying to communicate, than you are a greater man than I (or woman or whatever):
They would exprens desrts in oulumy. They sode exprens motens land rit ner clufuy.
So...............I don't know about you, but I'm afraid. I have to grade these things for ten hours a day and my standards have dropped a boy's testicles during puberty. I give credit for everything now. Did they write legibly? They get a point. Do they live in Massachusetts? I give a point. Did they spell 'Churchill' as one word? They get a point. Did they do the test in pencil? I give a point. I also give credit if they stump me or provide information that is above and beyond the call of duty. If the kid can spell 'Masaccio,' 'Caravaggio,' 'chiaroscuro,' or 'Leehwenwouk' correctly they automatically give a 4. I had one kid describe in detail the course of the Colorado River, and he did well. I feel dumber some days when I leave, and always thankful. I can't help but feel depressed by the answers I read, because some of the answers I get honest attempts to answer to question.
*****
So that has been my summer for the past month or so. I have no desire to be a teacher after reading these questions and have respect for those that must deal with these children on a regular basis.
That's all for now. If any are interested, I also have written about my adventures in Yellowstone National Park and it is very funny (or so I'm told; if you want to know, ask either Scott McGee or Rich Shumate). If you want it, let me know, and I'll fire it off to you.
Wubba wubba,
Craig Hart
Sparky the Woodchuck
"Your Voice of Sanity"
I thought that some of you out there would like to know what I've been doing this summer. It's been a bit of a different summer for me, mainly because any plans I made for the summer were shot down like a B-27 bomber over Dresden. You see, I had to actually get a job! I'm not kidding, like a real nine-to-five-wage-slave job. And let me tell you that a man with my qualifications (that would be none, other than I can type) have slim pickings. I also wasn't planning on being home the whole summer, but we won't go there because that is still a sore point.
So I went looking for incredibly well-paying (and totally unrealisitcally expected) temp work. I became a temp, which is a step up from professional actor, as they are almost the same thing. But I got hooked up with an agency and they got me jobs. And let me tell you, these jobs are the most interesting things I possibly have ever done. And I would like to share some of the "greatest hits" of what I've been doing.
And so begins what I like to call...
How I Spent My Summer Vacation...Or...How Did I Fall So Far So Fast
The First Job: I got to play video games for the Air Force. Not even stupid cheesy games, but like really cool spaceship war simulators (you can actually buy the game, it's called "Allegiance". Mucho fun, I can tell you). It was a psychological experiment about somethin-er-other...I really didn' t care, I was getting paid to play video games! That is the dream of any young man who grew up playing Nintendo! There were two teams of people playing against each other and this is the only job where I have been given the opportunity to shoot down some incredibly underqualified and unprepared older Hispanic women. And let me tell you...I whooped their @$$! I had more kills than anyone else on the project, mainly because I believed in using the guns on my spaceship rather than running into people with my spaceship. I was doing awesome, handing out electronic carnage left and right...and the ringer squad of Air Force officers came in and unleashed a stream of violent death upon me (and everyone else too) the likes the world has never seen. They killed me something like forty times in the span of two hours. Now, I admit I was humbled by men who are trained to do this for a living, but at least...I kicked the crap out of those little Mexican ladies!
My Number Two Job...I Call It...Number Two: Now this was the truly interesting job. We all remember those incredibly boring standardized tests that we all had to take to get out of high school. Well, I'm grading them (at least, at the time of this writing). I read the answers to a test that was taken this past Spring by all 8th and 10th graders in the state of Massachusetts
and give them a score on what they did correct. The organization I work for is called The Psychological Corporation, and it's a division of Harcourt Brace. We refer to ourselves as "Psy-Co). It is the weirdest, most colorful group of people you will ever find. The "scorers" make up the largest percentage of people in the building and include any number of teachers (ex or current), at least one former mayor, one retired two star general, and (at least temporarily) a professional actor. It also has a large percentage or incredibly fat people. We sit all day at computers and read papers from the kids. I've spent so much time sitting I think I'm getting bed sores on my butt.
We score on a 4 point scale, called a Rubric. You may remember Rubric from his cube. A 4 is the best (and rare) and a 0 is lowest. There are also distinctions for things like blanks, refusals to answer the questions, and the truly incomprehensible. We try and figure out if it's a boy or a girl by their handwriting and content (If it has to do with anything violent or gory, it's probably a boy. Favorite topic of the children: The Donner Party. Don't ask me why).
The children..-hell the state of Massachusetts hates this test. There are protests at the capital as we speak. But you see, I have the inside track: I've read the answers and let me tell you, fear for the fate of Massachusetts. The children there are overwhelmingly dumb. Now you don't have to take my word for it, I've compiled a list of the truly awesome answers that I read over this summer.
Let me preface this by saying that easily half of the tests I read are blank or complaints about how awful the test is and how it is unfair to them because it doesn't test them on anything they were taught. This test is also going to be a requirement for graduation starting next year and I love reading the answers that say, "I don ned this tess 2 grajewate!" They write down song lyrics (from Slipknot to Will Smith), make doodles about how much "so-and-so loves such-and-such 4ever", and have insulted my mother on at least two occasions. One child did a really good drawing of the entire "Knights Who Say Nee" scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I've had children write in ficitonal languages (I believe that one child wrote in Dwarvish). There is a distinction between those who make good educated guesses, however misguided. And then there are answers that come from some other place in the universe, a very dumb place.
Now I scored six different questions, all in the social studies category. I've divided the comments up by responses to the question (at least for the first four), and then a section of random crap I can' t justify even to myself. Remember: EVERYTHING THAT FOLLOWS IS COMPLETELY TRUE! And now...
QUESTION 1: In 1946, Winston Churchill delivered a speech in Fulton, Missouri that included the following comment: "From Stetting in the Baltic to Trieste in the Adriatic, an iron curtain has descended across the continent." Explain what Churchill meant by the term "iron curtain"
THE ANSWERS:
· Winston Churchill was a vampire and had iron curtains over his windows to keep the sun out because, as you know, sunlight destroys true vampires.
· Winston Churchill had an iron curtain on his wall and when he pulled it down, it went across a map of Europe, so it was "descending across the continent."
· There is a curtain in Fulton, Missouri.
· Churchill went to Church on a Hill.
· The countries of Baltic and Adriatic were at war with one another.
· The Iron Curtain is an old wooden battleship, the U.S.S. Constitution
· The Iron Curtain came down at the end of the show, letting the audience know the show was over and it was time to applaud. (I lost it after I read this answer; Sad thing is is that I know this kid is an actor!)
QUESTION 2: In 1956, Nikita Khruschev, the premier of the Soviet Union said, "About the capitalist states, it doesn't depend on whether or not we exist. Whether you like it or not, history is on our side. We will bury you." Identify and explain two events that prove Khruschev wrong.
THE ANSWERS:
· Of course they couldn't bury them, because there were too many bodies after World War 2; they had to cremate a lot of them.
· Nikita Khruschev was head of the Soviet Onion
· "Nikita Khruschev, when she said..." (got this one a lot)
QUESTION 3: Listed below are empire and countries that increased their wealth and power through their control of a specific natural resource: Inca Empire Spanish Empire British Empire Middle Eastern Countries. Choose one of the following and identify a specific resource controlled by the empire and explain.
THE ANSWERS:
· The British dominated the world through control of the marshmallow. (This answer was accompanied by a drawing detailed how this worked)
· The British dominated the world through control of the coconut. They made money selling the shells and meats
· The Spanish dominated the world through control of the burrito (now know as the Taco Bell Theory of World Domination)
· The Spanish dominated the world through control of the taco. ("tacos, people love tacos")
· The Mideast countries control the world's supply of camels
· The Spanish empire controlled the world's supply of bulls. (they also said that "bulls were important")
· Oil comes from a mine
· Spain traded seasons and spices (parsley, sage, rosemary, and...autumn)
· Incans used bones and awows
QUESTION 4: From the 1300s to the early 1600s, the Renaissance in Europe brought significant changes in these areas: painting, architecture, science and technology, literature. Pick two areas and explain two changes that occurred within each area.
THE ANSWERS:
· Leonardo diCaprio painted the Monet Lisa (oh, the pain, the pain!)
· Famous painters of the time included Michael Angelo, Leonardo...*ahem* Angelo, Vhan Gogr (this is the Vietnamese spelling), and Luis the Mexican Person
· Shakespeare wrote his most famous work, the Renaissance Italy/Roman Empire/Time Travel Romance tragedy, Romeo and Juliet Caesar (I don't think this one is in the first folio...)\
· Karl Marx started the Protestant Reformation
· Martin Luther nailed some stuff (sometimes we get "Martin Luther got nailed." Take that any way you want it)
· The stealth catapault was invented (I can't make this stuff up)
· Leonardo daVinci was a "Renaissance Man" (AARRGGHHH!)
· Computers and cell phones were invented in the Renaissance
· Flying Dutchesses were used to make churches taller
· In the Renaissance, buildings were built up and down (as opposed to what: side to side?)
· In the Renaissance, buildings were built in a circumference shape.
AND NOW SOME RANDOM NOTES ON SUBJECTS THESE PEOPLE APPARENTLY KNOW NOTHING ABOUT...
· There are four Great Lakes: Lake Superior, Lake Hudson, Lake Oregon, and Lake Erosion
· There are apparently over thirty correct spellings of the word 'Appalachian', including Application, Alps, Annapolis, Apple Ancient, and AepAlachian.
· The Greek Pentathlon was a temple constructed for Athena atop the Necropolis.
· The Parthenon was built for the Greek god Parthenon
· Mommies were buried in pyramids
· The Mayans built a famous pyramid temple called "Chicken Itza"
· Saxajawa was the indian who helped Luis and Clark (Lois and Clark or Louise and Clark) get across the Louisiana Purchase after it was purchased by Abraham Lincoln for sixteen dollar. (As with Appalachian, there are many spellings for Sacajawea)
· China was afraid of being invaded by Mongo!
· At a Greek temple, a profit sat in a room filled with gas
· The Oragonal Trail led settlers west in the 1800s
· The Andy's Mountain range is in western America
· The Nile River, Himalayas, and Sahara desert are all located in the American west.
· A series of droughts in the Midwest led to the Cotton Bowl
· There is a new weather phenomenon in the American Southwest known as "dry humidity"
· The Great Wall of China is a forcefield
· The Great Wall of China goes through the Appalachian mountains
· The Great Wall of China, also known as the Berlin Wall, was built to keep the Germans out of China
· The "Great Big Wall of China" is in China
· The Great Wall of China was built to separate East and West China.
· The Rocky Mountains are rocky
· The Grand Canyon is grand
· The Great Wall of China is great
· Mountains are located in (get this)...Mountain ranges
· The Great Plains in America were originally sand and deserts. It wasn't until later that they became the "fruited plain".
· Romans built the Roman Empire State Building
· The aqueduct is actually a really large damn
· Barriers to Western Expansion in the America in the 1800s were the Sound Barrier, Light Barrier, and Speed Barrier
· The Rockies stretch as far as Iowa and the Appalachians go all the way to Nebraska
TOTALLY RANDOM OFF-TOPIC AMUSING THINGS THAT I RECEIVED IN LIEU OF AN ANSWER...
· What sexual position makes ugly children? I don't know, go ask your ma!
· How bout them Red Sox?
· You made me break my banana
· I have chosen the Ryan Kelly I-don't-give-a-f**k empire. Everybody tokes up and grows buds and every night there is a rave and you can get all the drugs you want (Good for Ryan)
· Is it time for Matlock?
· A message to Pioneers: America, get over it!
And finally, my favorite answer of all time. If you can decipher the complete message this child is trying to communicate, than you are a greater man than I (or woman or whatever):
They would exprens desrts in oulumy. They sode exprens motens land rit ner clufuy.
So...............I don't know about you, but I'm afraid. I have to grade these things for ten hours a day and my standards have dropped a boy's testicles during puberty. I give credit for everything now. Did they write legibly? They get a point. Do they live in Massachusetts? I give a point. Did they spell 'Churchill' as one word? They get a point. Did they do the test in pencil? I give a point. I also give credit if they stump me or provide information that is above and beyond the call of duty. If the kid can spell 'Masaccio,' 'Caravaggio,' 'chiaroscuro,' or 'Leehwenwouk' correctly they automatically give a 4. I had one kid describe in detail the course of the Colorado River, and he did well. I feel dumber some days when I leave, and always thankful. I can't help but feel depressed by the answers I read, because some of the answers I get honest attempts to answer to question.
*****
So that has been my summer for the past month or so. I have no desire to be a teacher after reading these questions and have respect for those that must deal with these children on a regular basis.
That's all for now. If any are interested, I also have written about my adventures in Yellowstone National Park and it is very funny (or so I'm told; if you want to know, ask either Scott McGee or Rich Shumate). If you want it, let me know, and I'll fire it off to you.
Wubba wubba,
Craig Hart
Sparky the Woodchuck
"Your Voice of Sanity"
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