Eye Candy #556 - "Captain America" (1990)

Captain America (1990):  So low-budget, it’s almost physically painful, with plot-holes you could drive a Sherman through, this was the first attempt at a Captain America major motion picture (there were two previous Cap TV movies starring Reb Brown and various cartoon appearances; I‘m not even going to mention the Turkish film “3 Dev Adam” where he teamed with masked Mexican wrestler Santo to fight an evil Spider-man).  And like many things that came out of the late 80’s-early 90’s, it’s shabbier and cheaper than it has any right to be, with lots of changes to Cap canon that are unnecessary and make no sense.  I’m loathe to use the words ’delightfully campy’ because there was nothing delightful about it.  Matt Salinger, son of JD (I’m pretty sure that’s the only reason he gets acting work) is Steve Rogers, a young man selected for Project Rebirth, an experiment to create a super-soldier.  It works and he becomes Captain America.  However, during a mission in World War 2, he fights his fascist counterpart, the Italian Red Skull (RS is GERMAN in the comic book; the reason for the change is completely inexplicable; he is played here by Scott Paulin), and is strapped to a rocket that crashes in the arctic, resulting in Cap being frozen in ice for 50 years.  Thawed out, he darn near immediately comes to the attention of the Red Skull who tries to have him killed (in some very dumb ways; for example, as Cap struggles through the woods of Canada back to civilization, the Red Skull sends his daughter and several dirt bikes so they can futilely chase Cap through the woods) .  We even get a whole doofy “man out of time” montage set to “Memories of You” by Southside Johnny and the Asbury Jukes, as Cap is bewildered by all manner of contemporary American society.   The Red Skull kidnaps the current president, President Kimball (Ronny Cox), an environmental do-gooder whose efforts hamper the Red Skull’s effort to take over the American military industrial complex.  Steve and his lady-friend Sharon, the daughter of Steve’s one true love from World War 2,  vow to get him back.  Ned Beatty, Darrin McGavin Bill Mumy, and Michael Nouri are all slumming here, as is Kim Gillingham as both Steve’s love interests Bernie and her daughter Sharon (and she’s pretty much awful as both).  At least director Albert Pyun is consistent, in the sense that he’s never directed anything that was any good. I’m fairly certain I’m dumber as a human being for having watched this.  Thankfully, it’s blessedly short.  Woodchuck sez, “Complete crapola.”