Eye Candy #209 - "Cutthroat Island"

Cutthroat Island: Supposedly the star vehicle that was going to shoot Geena Davis to action star greatness (I‘m sure, just like “Fair Game“ was supposed to shoot Cindy Crawford to greatness), it actually showed how utterly inappropriate she was to play the swashbuckling daughter in a family of fratricidal pirates, 3 of whom have pieces to a treasure map.  Geena partners with a thief (played by Matthew Modine, also someone that wouldn’t or shouldn’t be mistaken for an action star) to get to Cutthroat Island to find the treasure.  Directed by Renny Harlin, and obviously a vanity project for his lady fair, what should have been a narrative is instead a never-ending series of action set pieces and loud special effects, coupled with terrible acting and dialogue (Frank Langella tries his best, but some of the lines he has to deliver are AWFUL) that goes on for far too long.  It’s everything “Pirates of the Caribbean” was not.  I’m usually a fan of Harlin’s work, but not of this.  The subsequent “Long Kiss Goodnight” was a much better action foray for Davis and Harlin as it was built entirely around the conceit that Davis was supposed to be a suburban housewife who didn’t remember she was an assassin…because no one believed that Davis was to begin with, so Harlin had to make his case.  “Cutthroat Island” gives you no such chance.  Woodchuck sez, “Watch ‘Long Kiss Goodnight’ instead.”