Eye Candy #205 - "10,000 B.C."

10,000 B.C.:  Having not read Roland Emmerich’s brain, I don’t know quite what his purpose was in putting together this film together, a muddled film destined for a quick turnaround to DVD.  Supposedly set in human prehistory though it would have been better served to completely jettison that and stick to straight sword-and-sorcery a la "Conan the Barbarian" or "The Scorpion King", it follows a mammoth hunter D’leh, who is out to rescue the love of his life Evolet, who was kidnapped by slavers from the cold northern lands in which the hunters live.  He sets out with his tribe’s strongest hunter Tic’Tic, to bring Evolet home.  His journey takes him from the northern wastes to deserts and (apparently) Egypt, where the pyramids are being built.  Along the way, he assembles a group of disaffected warriors, many of whom believe that D’leh is fulfilling a prophecy of overthrowing the Temple God (who may be an otherworldly being).   This is Emmerich’s first picture since 2004’s “The Day After Tomorrow”, and it almost falls completely flat on its face.  He anchors the film star-power on unknowns, some of whom are TERRIBLE actors.   The plot is also full of ideas that are worth greater development (for example, who built the pyramids when and why, which is just BARELY hinted at in the film, though it grounds the last half of the action in the film and seems like it was cribbed directly from Emmerich's earlier "Stargate").  Emmerich has never been known to make brainteasers, or challenge anyone to think while watching his films, but “10,000 BC” smells more like “Moon 44” than “Independence Day”.  Woodchuck sez, “Only if you are really, really bored.”