Eye Candy #114 - "Crank High Voltage"

Crank High Voltage: I had nothing but terrible things to say about the first “Crank” movie. It was loud, dumb, and stupid. So you are probably wondering why I would rent the sequel to such a craptacular film. Easy answer - I make bad decisions. But I tell you what…I enjoyed the 2nd “Crank” a whole lot more than the first. Jason Statham is back as Chev Chelios, who died at the end of “Crank” after falling a mile from a helicopter. “Crank High Voltage” picks up 10 seconds after the original, with Chev kidnapped by Chinese triads who take his heart and replace it with an artificial one. So Chelios is back on the warpath, having disappeared in the custody of the triads for 3 months, trying to figure out who has his heart and why. And this of course entails the obligatory running across Los Angeles, along with multiple electrocutions, full body Tourette’s, Corey Haim, a black gay motorcycle gang, strippers with guns, a disembodied head, oozing breast implants, sex under horses, nipple severing, vicious beatings, car crashes, people hit by cars, doing inappropriate sexual things in public…it’s like Chelios is some kind of demented Wile E. Coyote and Los Angeles is his drugged-up Disneyland. The usual gang is here including Amy Smart and Dwight Yoakum, but we also get Bai Ling as a malaprop-spouting Asian hooker (her best line, “You are my shiny lunchbox!”), the aforementioned Haim, several musical cameos, and David Carradine made up to look like Lo Pan as aged Triad boss Poo Dong, which sounds like an entry in the Urban Dictionary. This is literally one of the most ridiculous films I have ever watched. It’s graphic, goofy, profane, violent, outlandish, and I laughed out loud at the sheer absurdity displayed on screen. The directors/screenwriters have abandoned all pretense of coherence. To watch this, so should you. Woodchuck sez, “Yeah. Just…yeah. I feel a little dirty now.”