Red Sonja: Conan-derivative sword-and-sorcery flick (think more “the Destroyer” than “The Barbarian”, which is apt given that director Richard Fleischer directed the poo-fest that is “Conan the Destroyer“), with Brigitte Nielsen as Red Sonja, limited actress and swordswoman extraordinaire, on a quest for revenge and a mystical talisman that was stolen by an evil queen (played by Conan alum, Sandahl Bergman), all while wearing a really fake wig. Tagging along is Lord Kalidor, played by another Conan alum, Arnold Schwarzenegger himself, who serves mainly as "plot device to move the goofy story along” and "thinly-veiled Conan homage". Really anemic action set pieces and swordfights ensue. But hey! We get some sweet, sweet Sven-Ole Thoreson (another Conan alum, though he had a much bigger part in “Barbarian” than here) as well as Paul Smith and Ernie Reyes in support because what fantasy story doesn’t need a really irritating child actor? Even one who can ninja-kick you in the face. Character actor Ronald Lacey is also here, proving yet again that he was completely incapable of capitalizing on his success from “Raiders of the Lost Ark” (see also “Sword of the Valiant“). Ennio Morricone is slumming around to provide the score. Really quite terrible, though not as bad as “Gor” and “Hawk the Slayer“. Arnold Schwarzenegger says he shows this movie to his children as punishment. I agree with his assessment. Woodchuck sez, “Skip it.”
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