Eye Candy #483 - "Jonah Hex"

Jonah Hex:  It’s an interesting contrast to see how well Warner Bros. took one of its little-known comic book properties (“Red”), expanded it somewhat,  and made an entertaining film out of it, and then how they took this comic property (with a longer history) and totally screwed the pooch.  This is a loud, gimmicky mish-mash of ideas, only the barest handful of which are related to the original property.  It’s “Crank” with spurs, which shouldn’t come as a surprise considering this was written by Messrs. Neveldine and Taylor, who gave us both “Crank” films.  The film leads off with gatling guns strapped to the sides of horses, for Pete‘s sake.  If the western and steampunk genres had a torrid tequila-fueled night together, “Jonah Hex” would more than likely be their ridiculous spawn.  Jonah Hex (Josh Brolin) is a former Confederate soldier and current bounty hunter, notable for the horrible scarring on his face (the origin of which is changed in the film) and his ability to talk to the dead (something he’s never done in the comic book).  He is “drafted” into service by the military in post-civil war America to hunt down the man responsible for his scarification, Quentin Turnbull (portrayed by John Malkovich), who got his hands on a chemical “super weapon” designed by Eli “Cotton Gin” Whitney that he aims to use to overthrow the government.  Megan Fox co-stars (barely) as prostitute Lilah, Hex‘ ‘love interest‘.  I’m trying to figure out how so many “name” actors got in this picture: Malkovich, Brolin, Michael Fassbender, Aidan Quinn, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Michael Shannon, Lance Reddick, Wes Bentley.  Didn’t any of you read the script?  This is a talent pool deserving of a better film.  This is also about as far removed from director Jimmy Hayward’s previous directing effort, “Horton Hears a Who”, as can be (its lack of success is also in contrast to “Horton”).  Loud, dumb, and goofy.  I also could have done without the fairly monotonous score by heavy metal group Mastodon.  Woodchuck sez, “At least it’s short.”