Eye Candy #90 - "G.I. Joe The Rise of Cobra"

G.I. Joe The Rise of Cobra: I had the toys, I watched the cartoons, I read the comics, my GI Joe nerdery runs deep. I admit when I saw the original trailer I was not impressed (I have a low Wayans threshold). But then I came to an epiphany - you can’t play GI Joe straight. I mean, c’mon, this was a cartoon where you could safely eject out of your helicopter DIRECTLY into the rotor blades and survive! The good guys were rumbling, bumbling stereotypes and the bad guys were sniveling, vaguely eastern European ne’er-do-wells with names like Destro and Zartan. It was pure 80’s, back when men were men, ninjas were ubiquitous, and democracy would never fail as Evil was too stupid to win. Three words I can think of to describe this film - BIG. DUMB. LOUD. So spin disbelief around, kick him in the seat of his pants, and throw him out the window when he‘s not looking. With an over-elaborate plot that makes Dr. Evil look sparse by comparison, complete with secret bases in exotic locations, masked bad guys, ninjas (of course!), Sienna Miller in skintight black leather (MEE-yow), and many winks for fans along the way, GI Joe is thrust into the 21st century, as a multinational team of operatives protecting the world, usually from the villainy of Cobra, except we don’t really get Cobra here (hence it‘s just a “rise“). The focus of the film is on Duke (Channing Tatum) and Ripcord (the aforementioned Wayans) as they become part of the Joe team, alongside Snake-Eyes, Scarlett, Breaker, et al., with Dennis Quaid hamming his way through Hawk. Gadgets, vehicles, and gizmos abound, just like you would expect any good, glorified toy commercial to do. And as much as this pains me to say it - it’s fun in an absolutely mindless way. There are logic holes in the plot you can drive a HISS tank through, but I didn‘t care! Disclaimer - your nerdery may not be as all-encompassing as mine, and your life is all the more drabber for it. Woodchuck sez, “Check it out.”