Eye Candy #194 - "The Messengers"

The Messengers:  Directed by Oxide and Danny Pang (who also did “Bangkok Dangerous”), this tepid horror movie does adhere to at least one of Sparky’s Rules of Film - “Nothing is creepier than little dead kids”.  Jess Solomon (Kristen Stewart, who has all the acting range of a turnip; “Glower for me, Kristen, glower!”) and her family move to a decrepit farm in North Dakota for a fresh start (growing sunflowers no less).  So after their arrival (like say, IMMEDIATELY) strange goings-on begin to occur involving crows, a little dead boy, a woman, grasping hands, a door that opens and closes of its own volition, and all general manner of creepiness.  The ghosties begin to harm Jess (there are 3 of them) and Jess and family let the story of ghostly revenge play out (since none of them actually do ANYTHING to help further the plot; they are professional victims).  The cast is a little higher quality than usual with Dylan McDermott and Penelope Ann Miller as Jess’ parents and John Corbett as farmhand John Burwell.  Absolutely a time-waster in every sense of the word, with some truly terrible dialogue (given that screenwriters Stuart Beattie and Todd Farmer are more “GI Joe” than “A Beautiful Mind”, this isn’t surprising).  The significance of the title is never delved into (like who exactly are the messengers?  The crows?  The ghosts? Who knows?  Who cares?).  Woodchuck sez, “Skip it.”