Eye Candy #117 - "Ator - The Fighting Eagle"

Ator - The Fighting Eagle: A movie so cheap and lousy, it makes “Hawk the Slayer” look GREAT. It’s Conan without the literary merit. It’s Deathstalker without the nudity. It’s Beastmaster without the ferrets. And yet…easily one of the worst films ever made. “The Blonde Wonder” Miles O’Keeffe is Ator (pronounced “Awh-Tor”) who is the son of Taurin and fated to overthrow the 1,000 year-rule of the Kingdom of Spiders. Hearing this prophecy, the High Priest of Spiders (a black bearded fellow wearing WAY too much gold eye shadow) declares that any child bearing the sign of Taurin should be killed. So not only is he like Conan, he’s like Jesus, too! Ator is successfully hidden from the Spiders in the bull rushes, er, I mean, with a nice family and grows to manhood, all the while falling in love with the woman he thinks is his sister. When the soldiers of the Spiders attack, killing Ator’s parents and kidnapping his sister/bride-to-be, he hits the road to get her back, with the help of various companions and his pet bear (who is inexplicably painted vaguely like a skunk). They encounter a tribe of women that wants Ator to impregnate them, a cave full of blind swordsmen, a shadow creature that is obviously someone backlit off camera (sooooo cheesy), and a spider so fake you can see the wires on the legs. It’s so alike in plot to Conan, it’s painful (right down to the blond swordswoman, and I use that term extremely loosely). O’Keeffe looks ridiculous in his fringed leathers and teased hair that would be more appropriate on members of the band Warrant. The dialogue is terrible. The special effects are anything but. This is irredeemable hooey. Even my dog left the room while I was watching this one. Woodchuck sez, “AVOID.”