Eye Candy #519 - "Pentathlon"

Pentathlon:  Everyone once in a while, you end up watching a film that is so bad, you need a shower once it’s over.  “Pentathlon” is that movie.  Arguably the biggest turd in the field of turds that is Dolph Lundgren’s career, this 1994 entry has D as Eric Broger, East Germany’s greatest hope in the Olympic pentathon (running, shooting, riding, swimming, fencing).  His sadistic coach/Stasi officer Meuller (David Soul) prepares Broger to win gold, but after medaling, Broger defects to the United States mere months before the Berlin Wall comes down.  Broger ends up out of the sport, deep in the bottle, and working as a fry cook at a Southern style diner owned by Creese (T.C. from “Magnum PI“).  Meuller has hooked up with the neo-Nazi movement and hatches a plot to assassinate the German ambassador in Los Angeles at a peace rally, but not before beating Broger‘s father to death.  Meanwhile, Broger, with Creese‘s help, gets himself back in shape so he can participate in the 1996 Games in Atlanta.  Broger‘s old flame Julia also re-enters his life.  Meuller refuses to go through with his assassination until he settles scores with Broger first.  Chaos, understandably ensues.  There is NOTHING good about this movie.  Lundgren is cast in a part that would be ideal for a man 15 years younger (he plays Broger like a goofy teenager) , and he, in typical fashion, is terrible.  He also has the second most-painful-to-watch run, after Sylvester Stallone.  But David Soul’s performance is so bad, you can hear his career roll over, vomit, and then die.  He plays his character like William Shatner with a vague German accent.  This was directed by Bruce Malmuth, who gave us the brilliant “Nighthawks” several years earlier.  This movie is the antithesis of that movie - a thriller without thrills, vitality, or sense.  Woodchuck sez, “Completely avoid.”