Eye Candy #414 - "The Spy Next Door"

The Spy Next Door:  The “kid-ding down” of Jackie Chan, as this film is firmly for children.  Chan is Bob Ho, a Chinese secret agent on loan to the CIA, with a double identity as a mild-mannered pen importer living in the ‘burbs.  Retiring from the service, he wants to settle down with his girlfriend Gillian, but first he has to win over her three children.  Hijinks ensue.   A very, very tame action comedy, with minimal comedy and three of the most abrasive screen children you will ever meet.  Played for laughs (even when no real laughs were warranted), with goofy Russian villains who spend more time bumbling about than they do representing any real threat to those involved.   Chan tries hard, but the “Mr. Mom” schtick he’s subjected to is dull and staged with all the vitality of a octogenarian.  Thank goodness we’ve got George Lopez and Billy Ray Cyrus here in support, except neither is really given anything to do.  Who casts an incredibly funny comedian like Lopez and then doesn’t give him ONE GOOD LINE in the entire script? Director Brian Levant can add another snorer to his long list of directorial underachievement (this is the man who gave us “Problem Child 2“).  Worse than any other Chan movie I've seen.  Woodchuck sez, “Disappointing.”