Eye Candy #502 - "Red Sonja"

Red Sonja:  Conan-derivative sword-and-sorcery flick (think more “the Destroyer” than “The Barbarian”, which is apt given that director Richard Fleischer directed the poo-fest that is “Conan the Destroyer“), with Brigitte Nielsen as Red Sonja, limited actress and swordswoman extraordinaire, on a quest for revenge and a mystical talisman that was stolen by an evil queen (played by Conan alum, Sandahl Bergman), all while wearing a really fake wig.  Tagging along is Lord Kalidor, played by another Conan alum, Arnold Schwarzenegger himself, who serves mainly as "plot device to move the goofy story along” and "thinly-veiled Conan homage".  Really anemic action set pieces and swordfights ensue.  But hey!  We get some sweet, sweet Sven-Ole Thoreson (another Conan alum, though he had a much bigger part in “Barbarian” than here) as well as Paul Smith and Ernie Reyes in support because what fantasy story doesn’t need a really irritating child actor?  Even one who can ninja-kick you in the face.  Character actor Ronald Lacey is also here, proving yet again that he was completely incapable of capitalizing on his success from “Raiders of the Lost Ark” (see also “Sword of the Valiant“).  Ennio Morricone is slumming around to provide the score.  Really quite terrible, though not as bad as “Gor” and “Hawk the Slayer“.  Arnold Schwarzenegger says he shows this movie to his children as punishment.  I agree with his assessment.  Woodchuck sez, “Skip it.”

Eye Candy #501 - "True Grit" (2010)

True Grit (2010):  The breadth of the Coen Bros’ genre-hopping is truly unique in film today.  Picaresque musical, romantic comedy, stoner slapstick, gritty crime thriller, film noir, Capraesque fantasy, mobster picture, and now, with “True Grit”, the western.  This is a remake of the John Wayne original, with Jeff Bridges cast as debauched U.S. marshal Rooster Cogburn, who is hired by a precocious teenage girl to hunt down the murderer of her father who fled into Indian territory in the latter half of the 19th century.   Matt Damon is here in support as Texas Ranger LeBeouf, who is in pursuit of the same man.  Josh Brolin is the wanted man, Tom Chaney, and Barry Pepper, under some truly terrible teeth, is outlaw “Lucky” Ned Pepper.  The real standout of the cast, though, is Hailee Stanfield, a relative unknown who does just a great job as the heroine Mattie Ross, weaving her way around the fairly dense, wordy script with aplomb and holding her own on screen.  This film is alternately funny, bleak, riveting, and violent (jarringly so).  Bridges, sporting the least intelligible accent in film since Brad Pitt in “Snatch”, is perfect as the older lawman who is slowly drawn back from dissolution to fight the good fight, at the behest of Mattie.  Damon is fun as LeBeouf.  Other various oddball characters appear as well (this is a Coen Bros.’ movie after all; it‘s expected).   Not a weak link in the bunch.  A beautiful movie to look at, a script that shines, it’s really well done all the way around.  Woodchuck sez, “Another winner from the Coens”.

Eye Candy #500 - "The American"

The American:  George Clooney is Jack, an emotionally distant assassin and armorer who goes to ground in the Abruzzo region of Italy.  While laying low, he takes a job building a custom sniper rifle for a mysterious woman, while romancing a local prostitute. Carla, and befriending the local priest.  Soon, however, Jack’s healthy paranoia isn’t just paranoia, and there are indeed men on the ground in Abruzzo out to kill Jack, all while Jack is finding things to believe in again, as Carla gives him love and a way out of his lifestyle.  Clooney here is very much against type and pretty much the whole show (there are only six speaking parts in the entire movie).  His standard glib jokester is gone, as Jack is a haunted, quiet man, a stone-cold killer that is willing to make the hard decisions like executing those that have gotten close to him and may compromise him without a moment‘s hesitation.  That emotional detachment makes it awful hard to care about him,  like Jack’s own dramatic arc, to the point that Jack’s own realization at the tail-end of the movie comes too late to redeem him dramatically or in the eyes of the audience: he is aloof from start to finish.  Technically fine, with no outstanding flourishes.  The beautiful setting does most of the work for the director.  All he has to do is point and shoot.  This is only the second dramatic film from director Anton Corbijn.  Worth a look, but not any great shakes.  Woodchuck sez, “Might be up your alley.”

Eye Candy #499 - "Takers"

Takers:  This film is certainly slick as all get-out, but it’s also highly derivative of every heist movie you‘ve ever seen, lifting some plot elements directly from other films (the most obvious would be “The Italian Job” remake), while not bringing anything new to the table.  A team of five bank robbers (led by Idris Elba) successfully robs a bank in Los Angeles and find themselves in the crosshairs of a brash police officer (Matt Dillon) who is trying to piece it altogether.  Into the mix enters a former member of the criminal team with a score that is too good to be true involving armored trucks.  Betrayal abounds.  Now does that sound anything like any other movie you’ve seen in the last 20 years?  You can stop nodding your heads.  Paul Walker, Hayden Christiansen, rapper T.I., singer Chris Brown, and Michael Ealy are here in support.   There is not a single remarkable thing about this film.  You never feel like you are watching a new creation, just a series of homages to other more memorable films, like “Heat” or “True Romance”.  It took me a few days to get through this one because it just didn’t hold my interest.  Woodchuck sez, “Skip it.”

Eye Candy #498 - "Red Hill"

Red Hill:  A modern day western set in Australia, complete with spears and horses.  Ryan Kwanten is a young police office, Shane Cooper, who has just taken a position in the small town of Red Hill, population 150 and change located in the a$$ end of nowhere where there are more horses than cars.  His young wife is pregnant with their first child.  On his first day, an aborigine convicted of murdering his wife escapes from prison and heads straight for Red Hill to seek some awfully bloody revenge after 15 long years, with Cooper caught in the middle and out of his depth in the town’s dirty laundry.   Claire van der Boom is here (barely) in support as Cooper’s wife with nothing to do but look pregnant.  Most of the screen time is given over to Tommy Lewis as murderer Jimmy Conway, silently and methodically racking up an impressive body count, with a  little incidental Rose Tattoo thrown in for flavor.  A bleak, dark little film, with good performances from actors largely unknown in the US.  Kwanten is good, but Lewis is the star of the show, the almost mute killer waging war against a small town for reasons that become clearer as they go along.  This isn’t exceptional filmmaking here, but it’s fine for what it is.  Woodchuck sez, “Check it out.”

Eye Candy #497 - "Wild Wild West"

Wild, West West:  I’ve somehow managed to dodge for years watching this gigantic misfire of a film based on the TV show of the same name.  Will Smith, in what may be the worst miscasting of all time, is Jim West, the hero of the original played by Robert Conrad.  He is an Army captain in pursuit of Confederate General “Bloodbath” McGrath (Ted Levine), seeking revenge.  In the course of his pursuit, he runs across US marshal and inventor Artemus Gordon (Kevin Kline) and soon both men are assigned by Ulysses Grant to look into the disappearance of several prominent scientists, all while traveling in a special train loaded with gadgetry.  The villain and McGrath’s boss is revealed to be Dr.  Arliss Loveless (played by Kenneth Branagh, slumming here for reasons unknown), an amputee in a steam powered, gizmo-laden wheelchair.  West and Gordon swing into action to stop Loveless and his steam punk weaponry, including a giant mechanical spider, from killing Grant at Promontory Summit, during the completion of the Transcontinental Railroad.   Salma Hayek is here in support, though her character is as under-developed as her acting is bad.  Thankfully, she’s given very little to do.  Smith and Kline have less chemistry than a six-year-old’s science kit.  The script is bland and lacks any of the wit or charm of the TV show, as “Men in Black” director Barry Sonnenfeld tries to recapture lightning in a bottle and give Will Smith another excuse to neuter rap one more time.  Sonnenfeld apparently forgot how to make a good movie along the way.  This film is worthless.   Woodchuck sez, “Skip it.” 

Eye Candy #496 - "The Social Network"

The Social Network: The brief life and times (to-date) of Mark Zuckerberg, co-founder of Facebook with his three Harvard roommates, and their rise from Harvard-bound hackers to hundred-millionaires (now billionaires), running the largest social interaction tool in the history of the planet.  Jesse Eisenberg is Zuckerberg.  Usually his schtick comes across as a poor man’s Michael Cera, but here he in his element, playing Zuckerberg with an Aspergers-like intensity, driven to succeed despite the consequences and who he might hurt in the process.  Andrew Garfield plays Eduardo Saverin, co-founder of FB, with whom Zuckerberg has a rancorous parting that frames the entire film.  Garfield is equally as good as Eisenberg, like a battle of brain versus soul.  Justin Timberlake is here in support, as Sean Parker, rock-star-programmer slash entrepreneur who was the first President of Facebook, in addition to helping launch Napster.  The dialogue in Aaron Sorkins’ script is SHARP.  There are scripts that dream of using words as deftly as Sorkin has here.  I was also pleasantly surprised by Trent Reznor’s soundtrack.  A very watchable movie, built more for drama than reality (it has to be that way; there is nothing inherently film-sexy about watching people right code).  I kept meaning to turn it off, to finish it the next day, but I stayed through its entirety.  I’ve always liked director David Fincher, but he got me to sit through a two-hour film about the creation of a website.  Fairly certain this film will be lost on anyone without a Facebook profile.   Woodchuck sez, “Check it out.”

Eye Candy #495 - "Piranha 3-D"

Piranha 3-D:  Equal parts gory and goofy, this film is not for the squeamish, not for children, and not very good.  An earthquake at the Havasu-like Lake Victoria unleashes a horde of flesh-eating prehistoric piranhas that run wild on the vacationing hedonist college kids there.  Pornstar cameos and female nudity abound.  Once things go pear-shaped, it’s up to the local sheriff, played by Elizabeth Shue, and several sidekicks, including Ving Rhames, to save the hedonists and the day.  Jerry O’Connell is here in support as a “Girls Gone Wild” type director.   The plot here is so shallow, I couldn’t go into detail if I tried as there is no detail to go into - the film exists solely to showcase the obviously CGI’d fish, but they lack any creativity in terms of the death scenes, as the piranhas just nom-nom-nom everyone to death, which is fine the first time, but loses its luster after the 15th or 16th iteration.  The only redeeming feature is several minutes of better than average softcore porn, as two of them female leads swim naked together…before they both die horribly at the hands of the fish.  This is a horror comedy with all of one laugh.  Woodchuck sez, “Skip it.”

Eye Candy #494 - "Knight and Day"

Knight and Day:  Unjustly maligned upon its release, more for Tom Cruise’s weird slide into mid-life than the quality of the film, much the same way that Mel Gibson movies now carry the same stigma of him being a racist misogynist antisemite, this film is actually a fun little mishmash of action thriller and rom-com that doesn‘t take itself too seriously.   On the way back to her sister’s wedding in Boston, June Havens (Cameron Diaz) accidentally runs into Roy Miller (Tom Cruise) at the Wichita airport and soon finds herself, through no fault of her own, well over her head in espionage derring-do as Miller drags her along on his mission to save the inventor of a new revolutionary power source from those who would take it, including traitors within his own organization and various and sundry undesirable third parties like arms dealers.  We get bullets flying, things blowing up, chop-socky hijinks, and a fight in an airplane cabin that uses seems to use every part of the cabin as a weapon.   And in between there is enough glib dialogue to carry it along, not that there is much downtime between action set pieces.  Paul Dano and Peter Sarsgaard are here in support.  Cruise and Diaz are good together, though their romantic relationship doesn’t ring true, but really how can it when the films requires a huge suspension of disbelief just to keep the plot rolling along.  It feels like watching a spy-themed comic book of the more ridiculous variety, with every salient plot point telegraphed from way, way out.  Great filmmaking this is not (an over-reliance on various characters getting “drugged” to help speed along the plot by showing you just snippets of what is happening gets old when it’s used over and over again), but it’s certainly slick as all get out and a fairly pleasant time-waster.  Woodchuck sez, “Worth a look“.

Eye Candy #493 - "Black Swan"

Black Swan:  Director Darren Aronofsky is nothing if not thought-provoking.  This time around we get the story of a repressed young ballet dancer who wins the lead role in a revisionist production of “Swan Lake” and crumbles under pressures both real and imagined.  And while the movie is ostensibly about ballet, it is *not* a “ballet movie”, but rather comes across as a more gyno-centric version of “Jacob’s Ladder”, as the main character grapples with what is real and what isn’t.  Natalie Portman is Nina, the one of the most repressed female characters committed to film since “Carrie”, both sexually and psychological, who lives in a small apartment with her smothering mother (portrayed by Barbara Hershey, who you almost expect to hear rail about “dirty pillows!”) who strives to keep Nina from growing up (Nina‘s bedroom is a pink nightmare filled with stuffed animals, even though Nina is over 21).  When a new dancer arrives in the company, Lily (portrayed by Mila Kunis), Nina‘s fragile psyche begins to warp, with Aronofsky’s disturbing images abounding as reality and fantasy blend together.  Vincent Cassel is here in support.  Good performances all the way around, particularly Portman and Kunis (glad to see Kunis getting to stretch her dramatic chops more and more).  The cinematography successfully conveys a feeling of claustrophobia, portraying the small world of Nina (her apartment, the ballet studio, with outside shots done very closely).  Not for all tastes, sure, but another winner from Aronofsky.  Woodchuck sez, “Check it out.”